[MRS JOHNSTONE, sung]
Tell me it's not true
Say it's just a story

[NARRATOR], spoken
So, did you hear the story of the Johnstone twins?
As like each other as two new pins
Of one womb, born on the self same day
How one was kept and one given away
And did you never hear how the Johnstones died
Never knowing that they shared one name
'Til the day they died when a mother cried:
"My own dear sons lie slain!"
And did ya never hear of the mother
So cruel there's a stone in place of her heart?
Then bring her on
And, come, judge for yourselves
How she came to play this part

[MRS JOHNSTONE, sung]
Once, I had a husband
You know the sorta chap
I met 'im at a dance
And how he came on with the chat

[MR JOHNSTONE, spoken]
Are ya dancin'? I think you're a bleedin' cracker!

[MRS JOHNSTONE, sung]
He said me eyes were deep blue pools
Me skin was soft as snow
He told me I was sexier than Marilyn Monroe
And we went dancin'
We went dancin'
Then, of course, I found that I was six weeks overdue

[MR JOHNSTONE, spoken]
What?!

[MRS JOHNSTONE, sung]
We got married at the registry
And then we 'ad a do
We 'ad curly salmon sandwiches
And how the ale did flow
They said the bride was lovelier than Marilyn Monroe
[COMPANY]
And we went dancin'
We went dancin'

[MRS JOHNSTONE]
Then the baby came along
We called him Darren Wayne

[COMPANY]
Aww!

[MRS JOHNSTONE]
Then three months on I found that I was in the club again

[MR JOHNSTONE, spoken]
I've married a bleedin' rabbit!

[MRS JOHNSTONE, sung]
And though I still fancied dancin'
Me 'usband wouldn't go

[MR JOHNSTONE, spoken]
Get lost!

[sung]
[MRS JOHNSTONE]
With a wife he said
Was twice the size of Marilyn Monroe
No more dancin'
No more dancin'
By the time that I was twenty-five
I looked like forty-two
With seven 'ungry mouths to feed
And one more nearly due
Me husband he walked out on me
A month or two ago

[MR JOHNSTONE, spoken]
Ta-ra!

[MRS JOHNSTONE, sung]
For a girl who they say looks a bit like Marilyn Monroe
And they go dancin'
They go dancin'
They go dancin'
They go dancin'