If I have a date and I think I'm gonna mount her
I go to the drugstore and head to the counter
I get what I need and I put it in my wallet
It's the same old thing no matter what you call it
A condom
A scrote coat
A manhole cover
A pork cork
A clam dam
A plain ol' rubber
A head shed
A knob swab
A third leg stocking
It's all the same when your bed starts rockin'. Oh my
If you wanna meet me for a little tryst
Put a Coney Island white fish on your shoppin' list
Slip it on when you're getting hot
Then no one has to sleep on the gooey spot
Get a gent tent
A carp tarp
A halt leg trouser
A wood hood
A clap cap
A doogie houser
A wank tank
A root boot
A prophylactic
It'll look real slick in a johnson jacket
Wrap that rascal up in a salami sling
When you hit the sack
You're ready, Jack
To do the nasty thing
Put on a jock sock
A beav sleeve
A canyon coaster
A ball shawl
A spunk trunk
A love gun holster
A meat sheet
A goose noose
A rod partition
Do the math. There's no new addition
I met a young lady in a single's bar
Pretty soon we're getting naked in my car
Now she tells me I'm gonna be a dad
I could kick myself 'cause I wish I had on
A muff moat
A stilt kilt
A large load stopper
A boom balloon
Or a totem pole topper
A wad pod
A wet suit
A gonad girdle
Cause you never know when she might be fertile
Neutralize your schlong with a dong sarong
When you're in bed, use a tickler head
And she'll think you're King Kong
Wear a love glove
A squirt shirt
A gland end gorda
A bone beret
A flesh fedora
Put one on every time you make it
And hope to God that you don't break it!