[Verse One]
If it doesn't have a tail it's not a monkey
Even if it has a monkey kinda shape
If it doesn't have doesn't have a tail it's not a monkey
Well maybe we could catch it on the tape
If it doesn't have a tail it's not a monkey if it doesn't have a tail it's not a monkey it's an ape

[Verse Two]
Look!
There it goes!
In the trees
I don't know
I can't tell if it's a monkey or an ape
It's quite simple, Bob
If it doesn't have a tail it's not a monkey if it doesn't have a tail it's not a monkey it's an ape

[Verse Three]
Larry, I'm not sure you've got your logic quite right
The zookeeper lady said it
Who am I to tell her she's wrong?
Sure, but I don't think she meant...
If it doesn't have a tail it's not a monkey if it doesn't have a tail it's not a monkey it's an ape

[Verse Four]
A kite has a tail
It's a monkey
A camera doesn't have a tail
It's an ape
If it doesn't have a tail it's not a monkey if it doesn't have a tail it's not a monkey it's an ape
[Verse Five]
Finally
The time is here
Quick
Take a picture
Is it an ape?
A monkey!
Uh, Larry, that's a cow