I dig Modigliani(1)
Jolson doin' "Swanee(2)"
Several maharanee(3) are my intimates, too
I played with Montovani(4)
That's a lot of string to get through
But anyone can see
MY NEW CELEBRITY IS YOU

I've sung with Ethel Merman(5)
Swung with Woody Herman(6)
Played a gig in Germany with Ogerman(7) too
I nodded at a sermon, Billy Graham barely got through
But anyone can see
MY NEW CELEBRITY IS YOU

I'm not a bit
Ashamed of it
A rapier wit
Kept Serge Kousevitsky(8) in line
I'd reprimand
The Dorsey Band
Right on the Stand
'Cause Annie's cousin Fanny was a sweetie(9) of mine

I've golfed with Lee Trevino
Won at the casino
Danced "the Piccolino"(10)
When the movie was new
Spent the night with Dino
Had to sleep with Jerry Lewis too(11)
But anyone can see
MY NEW CELEBRITY IS YOU
I've swooned at Mia Farrow
Angular and narrow
Drove her Pierce Arrow(12) to a Gatsby Review
Tho frozen to the marrow
Who would dream of leaving that queue
But anyone can see
MY NEW CELEBRITY IS YOU

Her husband, Andre Previn
Absolutely heaven
Even Herman Levin(13)
Wants to hire him, too
And as for Lady Bevan(14)...
We were both in labor, that's true
But anyone can see
MY NEW CELEBRITY IS YOU

I played the uke
With Vernon Duke
So well in Dubuque
That Vladimir Dukelsky(15) said, "Gee!"
My fingering a certain string
Was such a big thing
That Fanny's cousin Annie's
Taking lessons from me
I'm quite a fan of Lena
Close to Katrina(17)
Very fond of Gina Lollobrigida(17), too
And as for Pasadena
Everybody there's an old shoe
But anyone can see
MY NEW CELEBRITY IS YOU

I see Muhammed Ali
Clanking goes my trolley(18)
Starred in "Hello Dolly"
When it ran out of blue
And Salvatore Dali
He did a little sketch of me, too
But anyone can see
MY NEW CELEBRITY IS YOU

I've drunk with Willie Harbach(19)
Also Roger Stauback(20)
Wriggled pretty far back
When you start to pursue
And talk about your star back...
Tarkenton(21) can scramble some, too
But anyone can see
MY NEW CELEBRITY IS YOU
You need a pair to give an air
Of fashion and flair
Have Bob and Danny Zarem (22) fly down
The older set'll need a pet
So who do you get...
Well Danny has a granny(23) who's the talk of the town

The incidents may vary
Jack and Mary Benny(24)
Nick and Sister Kenny(25)
Made the scene for me, too
Like little Lottie Lenya(26)
Helped to entertain at chez nous(27)
Where everyone could see
MY NEW CELEBRITY IS YOU

Toast Dick and Barbara Carroll(28)
Dick is for apparel
Barbara plays a barrel
House piano beaucoup(29)
Try paging Charlie Farrell(30)...
He'll do "Seventh Heaven(31)" on cue
But anyone can see
MY NEW CELEBRITY IS YOU

Dear Dick and Betty Dorso(32)
Talks to fit the torso
Who could feature more so-
Phisticated lapels
And when I mention Orso
I refer to Bean and not Welles(33)
Still anyone can see
MY NEW CELEBRITY IS YOU

When Steve McQueen and
Bennie Green(34) and
Geoffrey Beane(35)
Tried handing Joey Bushkin(36) a laugh
Both Mannie Klein(37) and Jule Styne(38)
Were limp on the vine
Till Franny hollered Manny(39)
"That's a nose and a half(40)"

Then there was Louis Nizer(41)
Kay and Georgia Kayser(42)
Lana, Lorna, Liza(43) lining up for a few
Mick Jagger, my advisor
He was there to take a bow, too
But anyone could see
MY NEW CELEBRITY IS YOU

In case you are a wet-so
Or you want to get so
Danny Levisto(44) serves a heavenly brew
But if you hate the Jets
So amble on to Mike's(45) for a few
Where anyone can see
MY NEW CELEBRITY IS YOU

We'll find Minerva Pius(46)
Frederick Delius(47)
Helmut Zacharias(48)
At a table for two
And leaning on the bias
Kloppman(49) might be slightly askew
But anyone can see
MY NEW CELEBRITY IS YOU

Meet Lanny Ross
And Annie Ross(50)
And Harry the Horse(51)
So high in Damon Runyon's(52) esteem
Dig Ed McMahon(53)
And choo choo train
And Shirley MacLaine(54)
When Annie sings with Lanny(55) "The Impossible Dream(56)"

So Scorpio or Taurus
Grab and old thesaurus...
Write yourself a chorus
For your favorite few
These people who adore us...
They're the ones to blow a kiss to
But don't forget cherie
MY NEW CELEBRITY IS YOU
Anyone can see
MY NEW CELEBRITY IS YOU

____________________________
FOOTNOTES:
(1) Modigliani: Amedeo Modigliani, 1884-1920. Italian painter and sculptor

(2) Jolson doin' "Swannee": Al Jolson, 1885-1950. American singer, comedian, actor, and vaudefillian. Famous for singing "Swannee", written with words by Irving Ceasar and music by Ira Gershwin in 1919. Became a big hit for Jolson in 1920 and was the first musical act to appear in a Talkie film, The Jazz Singer, in 1927. Unfortunately it was performed by Jolson in blackface

(3) Maharanee: The wive a a maharajah, a type of ruling prince in pre-Colonial and Colonial India

(4) Montovani: Annunzio Paolo Mantovani, 1905-1980. An Anglo-Italian conductor, composer and light orchestra-styled entertainer with a cascading strings musical signature

(5) Ethel Merman: 1908-1984. An American actress, artist, and singer. Know for her distinctive, powerful voice and leading roles in Annite Get Your Gun, Gypsy, and Hello Dolly!

(6) Woody Herman: 1913-1987. American jazz clarinetist, saxophonist, singer, and big band leader

(7) Ogerman: Claus Ogerman (1930-2016) German arranger, conductor, and composer best know for his work with Billie Holiday, Antonio Carlos Jobim, Frank Sinatra and Diana Krall

(8) Serge Kousevitsky: Russian-born conductor, composer and double-bassist, known for his long tenure as music director fo the Boston Symphony Orchestra from 1923-49

(9) Annie's cousin Fanny was a sweetie of mine: Is a song by Glenn Miller and recorded by the Dorsey brothers Orchestra in 1934 and 35

(10) The Piccolino: Dance tune by and featured in Top Hat (1935) where Fred Astaire danced it with Ginger Rogers

(11) Jerry Lewis too: References that Dino (Dean Martin) was teamed up with Jerry Lewis for many years in a comedy act and radio show

(12) Pierce Arrow: Hi-end sports car manufactured from 1901 to 1938

(13) Herman Levin: Broadway producer known for "My Fair Lady" and "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"

(14) Lady Bevan: Might be Mary Ann Bevan (1874-1933) , an English woman who, after developing acromegaly, toured the sideshow circuit as "the ugliest woman in the world"

(15) Vladimir Dukelsky: Is Vernon Duke (1903-1969) , an American composer/songwriter. Best known for "Taking a Chance on Love"

(16) Lena and Katrina: No idea what this references. Lena might be Lena Horne, and Katrina might refer to a popular 1947 Disney song "Katrina" from The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad, popularized by Bing Crosby

(17) Gina Lollobrigida: Famous Italian actress. Born 1927, still living (93 in 2021) . One of the highest-profile European actresses of the 1950s and early 1960s, a period in which she was an international sex symbol

(18) Clanking goes my trolley: Reference to Judy Garlands hit "The Trolley Song" from the 1944 film "Meet Me In St. Louis"

(19) Willie Harbach: 1917-2017. TV producer, director and author

(20) Roger Stauback: Pro football quaterback for Dallas Cowboys, 1969-1979. Two times Super Bowl champion

(21) Tarkenton: Fran Tarkenton. Pro football quaterback for Minnesota Vikings and New York Giants, 1961-1978

(22) Bob and Danny Zarem: American publicists. Managed publicity for Dustin Hoffman, Cher, Schwarzenegger, Michael Jackson, Diana Ross, Sophia Loren, among others

(23) Danny has a granny: Unknown reference

(24) Jack and Mary Benny: Jack Benny (1894-1974) , commedian, radio and TV star and his wife, Mary (1905-1983)

(25) Nick and Sister Kenny: Sister Kenny was a 1946 biographical film about an Australian bush nurse who helped people with polio. Played by Rosalind Russell. No idea who Nick was. Nick Charles, perhaps? The Thin Man played by William Powell

(26) Lottie Lenya: Singer and wife of songwriter Kurt Weill

(27) Chez nous: French for "our house"

(28) Dick and Barbara Carroll: Barbara might be the jazz pianist (1925-2017)

(29) beaucoup: Great in quantity or amount

(30) Charlie Farrell: 1900-1990. Popular Hollywood leading man of late silent an early talkies films

(31) Seventh Heaven: One of Charlie Farrell's better known silent films from 1927

(32) Dick and Betty Dorso: Richard J. "Dick" Dorso's (1909-2011) lengthy Hollywood career ranged from talent agent to television writer and producer to haberdasher. Represented Artie Shaw, Judy Holliday, Ethel Merman, The Andrews Sisters and Doris Day. Opened the high-end Dorso Boutique with his wife Betty in Beverly Hills in 1969. Betty (1911-2002) . She is the grandmother of Robert Downey Jr

(33) Bean and not Welles: "Orso" is short for Orson, and she's referring to Orson Bean not Orson Welles. Orson Bean (1928-2020) was an American film, television and stage actor and a comedian, writer and producer. Hosted many game shows in the mid-century including To Tell The Truth

(34) Bennie Green: 1923-1977. American jazz trombonist. Played with Earl Hines, Charlie Ventura, and recorded as band leader through the 1950's and 60's

(35) Geoffrey Beane: 1924-2004. New York's most famous fashion designer

(36) Joey Bushkin: 1916-2004. American jazz pianist. Played for Nat "King" Cole, Judy Garland, and Bing Crosby among others

(37) Mannie Klein: 1908-1994. American jazz trumpeter. Played with Paul Whiteman, Jimmy Dorsey, Tommy Dorsey, Benny Goodman and others

(38) Jule Styne: 1905-1994. British-American songwriter and composer of Broadway musicals, including Gypsy, Gentlemen Prefer Blonds, and Funny Girl

(39) Franny hollered Manny: Unknown

(40) "Nose and a half": Possibly a reference to Jimmy Durante

(41) Louis Nizer: Jewish-American trial lawyer. Defended blacklisted individuals during the Red Scare of the 1950s

(42) Kay and Georgia Kayser: Kay Kyser (sic) , 1905-85, was a famous Big Band leader and host of radio music quiz show, Kay Kyser's College of Musical Knowledge, 1939-49. Georgia, née Carroll, 1919-2011, was Kay's wife. She was Daisy Mae in the 1940 RKO Pictures production of "L'il Abner", Betsy Ross in the 1942 film of Yankee Doodle Dandy with James Cagney

(43) Lana, Lorna, Liza: Lana might be Lana Turner. Liza is Liza Minnelli. Lorna is Liza's sister and daughter of Judy Garland, Lorna Luft

(44) Danny Levisto: Unknown

(45) Mike's: Unknown

(46) Minerva Pius: 1903-1979. Russian born American radio, television and film actress. Best know for her portrayal of Pansy Nussbaum on Fred Allen's radio show

(47) Frederick Delius: 1862-1934. English classical composer. One of the earliest to be influenced by African American music

(48) Helmut Zacharias: 1920-2002. German violinist and composer. Sold 14 million records. By the 1950s, he was considered to be one of the best jazz violinists of Europe and was dubbed "The Magic Violinist" and "Germany's Mr. Violin"

(49) Kloppman: Corporation that manufactures polyester fabrics. Correctly spelled "Klopman"

(50) Lanny Ross and Annie Ross: Lancelot "Lanny" Ross, 1906-1988, American singer, pianist and songwriter. Annie Ross, 1930-2020, American jazz singer and part of the trio Lambert, Hendricks and Ross. The two are not related

(51) Harry the Horse: A character in the Broadway musical, Guys and Dolls. Described as "a gambler with a complaining streak and is one of Nathen Detroit's (the lead) primary associates."

(52) Damon Runyon: 1880-1946. American newspaperman and short-story writer. He was known for writing a certain type of "Damon Runyon" character, of which Harry the Horse would have been a type

(53) Ed McMahon: 1923-2009. The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson's co-host from1962 to 1992

(54) Shirley MacLaine: Born 1934. American actress and singer. Featured roles include Alfred Hitchcock's The Trouble With Harry, The Apartment (with Jack Lemon) , Irma la Douce, Sweet Charity, Terms of Endearment, and Postcards from the Edge

(55) Annie sings with Lanny: This, coupled with "the Impossible Dream" probably is a joke since Annie Ross and Lanny Ross were both named Ross but where to far apart in age to have ever sung together, hence, the Impossible Dream

(56) The Impossible Dream: Lead song of the 1965 musical "The Man Of La Mancha," based on Cervantes' Don Quixote. The lyrics is "To dream the impossible dream"