Don't put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington
Don't put your daughter on the stage
The profession is overcrowded
And the struggle's pretty tough
And admitting the fact
She's burning to act
That isn't quite enough
She has nice hands
Give the wretched girl her due
But don't you think her bust is too
Developed for her age?
I repeat, Mrs. Worthington
Sweet Mrs. Worthington
Don't put your daughter on the stage

Regarding yours
Dear Mrs. Worthington
Of Wednesday the twenty-third
Although your baby
May be keen on a stage career
How can I make it clear
This is not a good idea?
For her to hope
Dear Mrs. Worthington
Is, on the face of it, absurd
Her personality
Is not, in reality
Exciting enough
Inviting enough
For this particular sphere
Don't put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington
Don't put your daughter on the stage
She's a bit of an ugly duckling
You must honestly confess
And the width of her seat
Would surely defeat
Her chances of success
It's a loud voice
And though it's not exactly flat
She'll need a little more than that
To earn a living wage
On my knees, Mrs. Worthington
Please, Mrs. Worthington
Don't put your daughter on the stage!

Don't put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington
Don't put your daughter on the stage
Though they said at the school of acting
She was lovely as Peer Gynt
I'm afraid on the whole
An ingénue role
Would emphasize her squint
She's a big girl
And though her teeth are fairly good
She's not the type I ever would
Be eager to engage
No more buts, Mrs. Worthington!
Nuts, Mrs. Worthington!
Don't put your daughter on the stage!