I know it's getting late
And I know we had a date, Lucia
I hate to make you wait
'Cause it would be so great to see ya

And tears fall from my eyes, and I must apologize, Lucia
I'll have to stay at home so I called you on the phone
'Cause I'm stuck here on the throne, with diarrhea

I thought that it was only gas
So I went and let one pass
Then I stood there in a trance
As I filled my brand new pants

My mother brought me soup
But it only made me poop, Lucia
I never should have ate
But it sounded like a great idea

You know it really hurts
When you got the Hershey squirts, Lucia
There's no paper to be seen
So I used People magazine
And it makes me want to scream 'diarrhea'

I love you dear with all my heart
But I can't go on with liquid farts
I wouldn't have to break our date
If only I could constipate
I know you got the hots
But I really got the trots, Lucia
There's no need to scream and shout
'Cause tomorrow we'll go out, I guarantee ya

I know you need your man
So I came up with a plan, Lucia
I'll take a cork and superglue
And pound it in there with my shoe
And then I'll be all through, with diarrhea!