[Verse 1]
With so much drama at the ETA
It’s kind of hard being Hal Incandenza, hey
Because I’m not okay, and something’s wrong
I call my brother Orin and I quote Beatles song
To make a long story short, well my daddy died
He microwaved his head, now I wonder why
There’s a piece of him left, beyond the kitchen
A video in fact, it's history rewritten
Please forgive this apophasis, ‘cause my life’s been stuck in stasis
Concavity is growing and I don’t think I can face it
Be a pro in the show, this I know is my dream
But these cartridges they’re mailing out are not quite what they seem
While my brother keeps on filming, balanced, leaning to the side
Like a Foster Wallace novel, counting footnotes piled high

[Chorus]
('Cause I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby)
To be or not to be it’s honestly ridiculous
(Yeah, I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby)
Meticulous, conspicuous, this drama, yeah I'm sick of it
(Listen to Iron Maiden baby, with me, ooooh)
To be or not to be it’s honestly ridiculous
Addicted to this screen, looks like I'm never getting rid of it

[Verse 2]
Digging in the graveyard, I stuck him with the shovel
And then I watched the moon take the form of the devil
Canadian Wheelchair Assassins on the go
Like a Northport Kerouac terminus I'm home
A legacy from dad to show me that I'm not alone
He freaking took the video and freaking stuck it in his dome
Holographic experiments, my father had hella
Like a 2pac set with Snoop at Coachella
Wait, that's in the future, confusing chronology
Technology, mythology a literary oddity
Postmodern in the cutest of terms
When will Bret Easton Ellis ever relax and learn?
Sure, it's nonlinear, thinking I might go
Ricky Kasso on these fools, American Psycho
[Chorus]
('Cause I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby)
To be or not to be it’s honestly ridiculous
(Yeah, I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby)
Meticulous, conspicuous, this drama, yeah I'm sick of it
(Listen to Iron Maiden baby, with me, ooooh)
To be or not to be it’s honestly ridiculous
Addicted to this screen, looks like I'm never getting rid of it

[Bridge]
At the Enfield, Enfield Tennis Academy
(Oh yeah, dirtbag)
Tennis Academy
At the Enfield, Enfield Tennis Academy
Tennis Academy

At the Enfield, Enfield Tennis Academy
(Oh yeah, dirtbag)
Tennis Academy
At the Enfield, Enfield Tennis Academy
Tennis Academy

[Verse 3]
And now, for the chilling conclusion, of this dense, symbolic tome... in short, it turns Hal's dad made the video to communicate with his son

What would I want my future self to tell me now?
Maintain my mental health? Get through this all somehow?
Will they remember me when I forget?
How I got to this place, quarantined and upset?
It's a fallacy, got that talent see, acting tragically
Ennet House, wow, can they make me malice free?
Honestly, it's been a rough summer G, I promise thee
If I can leave, teenage me you will never see
But what's, it's a message from my pops?
Sent from beyond the grave? That dude never stops!
[Outro]
(Oh yeah, dirtbag)
Meticulous, conspicuous, this drama, yeah I'm sick of it
Addicted to this screen, looks like I'm never getting rid of it

(Oh yeah, dirtbag)
To watch or not to watch it’s honestly ridiculous
Addicted to this screen, looks like I'm never getting rid of it

So that's the story of "Infinite Jest," all 1079 pages... including the many, many pages of footnotes. That's a synopsis. Basically it's Hamlet, right? Retold through the lens of this kid at a tennis academy in Massachusetts, and then we did the "Teenage Dirtbag" chorus because he's a teenager, and that makes sense, and I want to shout out Wheatus for doing this song with me, and also I recommend you read the book and that's all