A fine romance with no kisses
A fine romance, my friend, this is
We should be like a couple of hot tomatoes
(Tomatoes, dear)
But you're as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes
(Potatoes)

A fine romance, you won't nestle
A fine romance, you won't even wrestle
You've never mussed the crease in my blue serge pants
You never take a chance, this is a fine romance

A fine romance, my good fellow
You take romance, I'll take Jello
You're calmer than the seals in the Arctic Ocean
At least they flap their fins to express emotion

A fine romance, my dear Duchess
Two old fogies, we really need crutches
You're just as hard to land as the Ile de France
(France)
I haven't got a chance, this is a fine romance
(Chance)

A fine romance, my good woman
My strong, aged-in-the-wood woman
You never give those orchids, I send, a glance
They're just like cactus plants, this is a fine romance
(Oh boy)