Well I stepped off the bus in Memphis
And stumbled into the first saloon I could find
I bellied-up to the rail and summoned my barkeep
I ordered up tequila, some salt, and a lime

And she said, "Son, you ain't from around here, is you?"
And I said politely, "No, no ma'am I ain't."
She said, "Sonny, let me give you a little bit of friendly Southern advice
We don't use that junk around here for nothing 'cept well maybe, thinning out paint."

And she said "Son, Why don't you just take a look around and tell me what you see?"
Well I saw a lot of white-felt Stetson hats and gatorskin boots
You know and every Southern man who had a lady on his arm was drinking whiskey

So I said, "I do not wish to be out of order ma'am. I am not a tramp or a bum
The dusty Mexican borderlands are where I have just come from
And with all due respect and deference, tequila is my preference."

So she said, "Relax honey, you know I would never treat you wrong."
And then she poured me up 3 fingers of that Old No. 7
She said "Rest assured darlin' if we're drinkin' it down here in Dixie
That's 'cause that's what they're pourin' up in heaven."

And I said, "Ma'am, your hospitality is well-intentioned
Yes I know you mean to treat me well
It's just that where I come from (born and raised in Arizona don't you know), me and my friends be more likely to be found drinking what they serve down in hell."
And she said, "Son, why don't you just take a look around and tell me what you see?"
Well I saw a lot of furrowed brows under them white-felt Stetson hats
And every Southern man who had a lady on his arm was looking kinda angry

So I said, "I do not wish to be out of order gents. I am not a tramp or a bum
The dusty Mexican borderlands are where I have just come from
And with all due respect and deference, tequila is my preference."

So she said, "Hey look you little polecat, you better knock that whiskey back
Before us Southern folks get angry and we come and skin you to the bone
And I ain't exactly sure how that old saying goes, boy, but I do know it underscores the fact
You best be drinking what the Romans drink when you're drinking down in Rome."

And I said "Ma'am, I can see that you just do not understand
And I've been trying to get a proper drink out of this bar now the WHOLE DAMN NIGHT
So kindly set me up that tequila, honey, and let me get it into my blood
And I will take you and your whiskey-sipping, Southern boys up on that there fight."

And she said, "Son, why don't you just take yourself a look around, and tell me what you see?"
Well I saw a lot of grinding teeth, and I saw a lot of clinching fists out there
And every Southern man who once was over there sitting at the bar was up and coming after me

So I said, "I do not wish to be out of order here, gentlemen
I am not a tramp, and I am not a bum
The dusty Mexican borderlands are where I have just come from and with all due respect and deference
Yeah with all due respect and deference
With all due respect and deference...
Gentlemen kindly do not throw me out ass-backward for hankerin'
For a less-civilized spirit. Why don't I just mosey on along
And find my tequila on my waaaaay
Back...west

A Dios rogando y con el mazo dando
Katie bar the door, pass the gunpowder, and praise the Lord
And as I make haste yet slowly to mis amigos
You may deem lowly and unholy
I will tell them what I've learned
Though I've been gulagged and I've been spurned
Si a Roma fueres haz como vieres
Or when in Rome, do as the Romans do
But Memphis, why not try something new
And when the barbarians arrive here at your gate
Treat us not with fear and hate
For we come, not to conquer or be rude
But to raise a glass and say, "Salúd!"