There must be 5000 ways to die
And each one ends the same way if you try
Your friends all stand around
While they dump you in the ground
And the people who loved you will ask "Why?"
Oh why? Oh why? Oh why?

And the bastard you hated the most
Will stand up and give you a toast
He'll say, "We were such good friends
Especially near the end"
Then he'll feel up your girlfriend in front of your ghost

So get in your car and drive real fast
Up in the attic with a shotgun blast
Take a bath with a clock radio
Vodka, valium, overdose
Have you ever tried?
There must be 5000 ways to die

And if you're very lucky
You'll get your picture in the paper on page three
Twenty-five words will summarize
How you spent your whole damn life
One day, on that page
Next day, into the hamster cage (get it)
So get in your car and drive real fast
Up in the attic with a shotgun blast
Take a bath with a clock radio
Vodka, valium, overdose
All the glamour can be yours with a loaded .44
Have you ever tried?
There must be 5000 ways to die