[Verse 1]
Sitting in a department store
Bribing little kids with peppermint
Sweat on his bulbous nose
Rubber boots and silly velvet clothes
Hey Santa Claus
Steaming like a roast duck
Spitting out of pieces of his bearded fluff
Hey Santa Claus

[Refrain]
Do what you’re told
And mind your dad and mummy
And I’ll put a little puppy ‘neath your tree
Santa Claus my friend
Did you think this job was easy?
You poor old sod, you jolly s.o.b

[Verse 2]
In the first week of December
They’ll come to crush his knees
When the kids are tugging upon his beard
He screams in agony
Schnapps is thick on his dog breath
His belly’s big and round
And he’ll dress up like a rabbit in the spring
Ho ho ho ho
[Bridge]
Fa la la la
Fa la la la la la la la
Fa la la la la la la
Fa la la la

[Verse 3]
Sitting in a Walmart
Giving out canes of peppermint
Spitting out his ho ho hoes
Sticky fingers smearing rented clothes
Hey, Santa Claus
Dying in that hot suit
Ho ho ho ho Santa Claus