[Intro]
This is the Ballad of Alferd Packer
An infamous guide in the Old West

[Verse 1]
In the state of Colorado
In the year of seventy-four
They crossed the San Juan Mountains
Growing hungry to the core
Their guide was Alferd Packer
They trusted him too long
For his character was weak
And his appetite was strong

[Chorus]
They called him a murderer, a cannibal, a thief
It just doesn't pay to eat anything but Government-inspected beef

[Verse 2]
Along the Gunnison River
An Indian camp they spied
An Indian chief approached them
To stop them he did try
He warned them of the danger
In the snow that lay around
But the danger was in Packer
For his hunger knew no bound
[Chorus]
Yes, they called him a murderer, a cannibal, a thief
It just doesn't pay to eat anything but Government-inspected beef

[Verse 3]
Two cold months went slowly by
Packer came back alone
"My comrades they all froze to death
I'm starving," he did moan
The Indian chief knew how he lied
He spat upon the ground
For his belly hung out all over his belt
He'd gained some thirty pounds

[Chorus]
They called him a murderer, a cannibal, a thief
It just doesn't pay to eat anything but Government-inspected beef

[Verse 4]
Well, for nine long years he ran away
But finally he was tried
He claimed he didn't kill them
He only ate their hides
That County had six Democrats
Until he did arrive
Well only one lives on today
He ate the other five
[Spoken]
Chorus

[Verse 5]
Eighteen years he stayed in jail
It was a dreadful fate
For he suffered indigestion
Every time he ate
Still, it's hard to blame this hungry guy
Who went searchin' for the mines
For when he ate his friends
He'd never heard of Duncan Hines
For when he ate his friends
He'd never heard of Duncan Hines