Did I follow each life
Spidering outward to its end
Where a thrown cafeteria chair struck glass
And shattered it
How the wires inside held
And made webs
And like the faces beyond
I could not touch
But stared the patterns down
Looking for meaning
Looking like them
For relief

I am there only in this
And could not complain
I can find relief at any turn
Where all around my whole life
Laid purpose and
No one stood between
No one tied my hands
But there again is that feeling:

Guilt
The deep cold
Sweeping downward
From the lake above
Guilt too
For feeling
Guilt
My breath
Against the glass
A ghost
Guilt
Watching prison guards
Flee violence
They freed
From people
They would not
And because I did not know
And so I did not care
Guilt
Then all this cowering
Didn’t I once feel courage?
Ambling the clearing
To my blind alone
129 miles from Kinross by road
Or comfort only that my
Father knew the woods
No matter what
And could find me
With or without fresh cover
Scouring the landscape
Safety orange
And my skin
Bright white
Like snow and fire
Amid the forest tones
Amid the harsh wind
Amid the echoed howl of wolves
Throughout the marsh I sat
And counted bullets
Just in case
They came for me

But I did not know dying then
And still don’t
Only that I am me now
And it isn’t what I’d thought I’d be
Except for love
The difference is the fear
The guilt I can’t connect them
The courage the cold air I miss here
And isn’t even home now
The vision I have of your face laughing back
While wind battered us
Snow to our knees and somewhere
Deep below either beach or water
Who knows?
But I felt brave again there
Nothing I could or would not do
To keep living with you
While the wolves bayed
And the prison nearby burned
Nothing I would not do
To find us