A conspiratory silence fills my mind
A hardly mentioned name
Yet it permeates my every move
Power of will is hardly enough
Accomplishing nothing but a delusionary
Sense of completeness

Pretense, my own parody
As played by me to humiliate no one
But myself
This foolish game I play -
[My spirit] being subjected to ever new
Devious plots by my mind -
Permanently scars my soul!
Etched in anguish, memories carved out in pain
Struggling
To maintain my battedred sanity brings relief
While rest is an eupherism for torture

Denying myself the memories
Only worsens the flood of emotion
Drowning me every time
As I struggle to maintain my composure

It's asking to deny the reason for my existence
Because I feel that somewhere, somehow
Our two paths will join at one point
Through some spiritual, yet tangible bond
Which so far had prevented all of my deceitful
Attempts and insignifant conspiracies to
Eradicate her from my heart

Meanwhile I bludgeon pain into a manageable mold
Encysted in layers of hate, permitting time to
Pass as I maintain -
Hidden behind impermeable walls
Of my own bulsh*t!!!