A fine romance, with no kisses
A fine romance, my friend, this is
We should be like a couple of hot tomatoes
But you're as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes

A fine romance, you won't nestle
A fine romance, you won't wrestle
I've never mussed a crease in your blue serge pants
I never had the chance
This is a fine romance

A fine romance, my good fellow
You take romance. I'll take Jell-o
You're calmer than the seals in the Arctic Ocean
At least they flap their fins to express emotion

A fine romance, with no quarrels
With no insults, and all the morals
You're just as hard to land as the Ile de France
I never get the chance
This is a fine romance

A fine romance, with no kisses
A fine romance, my friend, this is
True love should have the thrills that a healthy crime has
We don't have half the thrills that "The March of Time" has
A fine romance, with no clinches
A fine romance, with no pinches
You never give the orchids I send a glance
No, you like cactus plants
This is a fine romance