[Verse 1]
Hung pictures of patron saints up on my wall
To remind me that I am a fool
Tell me where I came from, what I will always be:
Just a spoiled little kid who went to Catholic school

[Verse 2]
When I am dead, I won't join their ranks
'Cause they are both holy and free
And I'm in Ohio, satanic and chained up
And until the end, that's how it'll be

[Chorus 1]
I said "Make me love myself, so that I might love you"
Don't make me a liar, 'cause I swear to God
When I said it, I thought it was true

[Verse 3]
Saint Calvin told me not to worry about you
But he's got his own things to deal with
There's really just one thing that we have in common:
Neither of us will be missed

[Chorus 2]
Saint Bernard sits at the top of the driveway
You always said how you loved dogs
I don't know if I count, but I'm trying my best
When I'm howling and barking these songs