[DOOFENSHMIRTZ]
Well, ya got evil, Perry the Platypus
Right here, I say evil in downtown Danville
Why sure, I’m a doctor, got my doctorate off Craigslist, so I’m mighty proud to say it
I consider that the hours I spend with lab tools in my hand are golden
Help me cultivate a sharp brain, and a slight slouch, but a keen eye
Did ya ever go and try to make clones of yourself by combining a tanning bed with a photocopier?
But just as I say it takes judgment, brains, and maturity to be an evil scientist
I say that any doof can try to rule the world without a tragic past, and I say that’s vain
The first big step on the road to domination of mankind, yes I say first
Emotional neglect from your parents, then giant walking robots!
And thе next thing you know, you’re battling aggressivе animal agents in hats
And presenting them with your evil plans and backstories, telling them about your savage youth
Not savage parental abuse, no, but actually being raised by wild ocelots
And this is after your disowning father made you be a lawn gnome?
Make your blood boil, well I should say!
Now Perry the Platypus, let me tell you my scheme
You got one, two, three, four, five, six lasers of destruction
Lasers that can carve giant pits of dirt in each and every person’s backyard
With a capital B and that rhymes with P and that stands for Pool… -inator!

Now all summer long, the tri-state youth have been frittering away
I say the tri-state youth has been frittering!
Frittering away and looking for a way they can cool off with leisure
I’ll shoot lasers at their yard, no mind if it kills their dandelions; they’ll see a huge ditch and think “Now we’re talking!”
They’ll start pumping water to make a swimming pool, but they’ll need chlorine, and they’ll need it from ME! And that’s evil
Yeah, this part’s really really evil
I bought all the chlorine in the city so if they wanna swim cleanly they gotta pay me, make me stinkin’ rich, ‘cause I’m evil! Yes!
I’ll be the shark of the city!
Evil with a capital E and that rhymes with P and that stands for Pool… -inator!
Now I know you may not be seeing the big picture here
I’m gonna be perfectly clear
Would you like to know what I’m gonna spend my money on when I make my monopolistic fortune?
I won’t buy a mansion. I won’t buy sports cars. I won’t buy new –inators or self-destruct buttons
I won’t brag about how rich I am or the flawlessness of my ingenious plan, but what’s better
I’ll go to city hall, sign up to run for mayor
My hard-earned cash will get me campaigning, it’s Heinz time!
I’ll shamelessly run against my brother, favorite of my mother
And beat him to the curb, then cause in an instant
Mass-steria!
[DOOFENSHMIRTZ]
Friends, wads of cash are evil’s plaything – Evil!

[GIRLS]
Oh, we got evil!

[DOOFENSHMIRTZ]
In the Tri-State Area!

[GIRLS]
In the Tri-State Area!
With a capital E and that rhymes with P and that stands for Poolinator

[GIRLS]
That stands for Poolinator!

[DOOFENSHMIRTZ]
We surely got evil!

[GIRLS]
We surely got evil!

[DOOFENSHMIRTZ]
Right here in the city!

[GIRLS]
Right here!
[DOOFENSHMIRTZ]
Just gotta figure out a way to keep Norm busy when I rule

[NORM]
I’m helping my dad being-

[NORM & GIRLS]
Evil, evil, evil, evil…

[DOOFENSHMIRTZ]
Now, Perry the Platypus
In case you still doubt me
Let me give you an idea of my corruption
The minute I was born in Gimmelshtump
Neither one of my parents showed up
My biological father never respected me
I was merely a lawn gnome that he had to feed
I wasn’t allowed to move; I had to make friends with a balloon
My past was such a wreck, certain words haunt me to this day
Words like… like “Only Son”!

[GIRLS]
EVIL! EVIL! EVIL!

[DOOFENSHMIRTZ]
And “baking soda volcano!”
[GIRLS]
EVIL! EVIL! EVIL!

[DOOFENSHMIRTZ]
I’ve got a lot to avenge…

[DOOFENSHMIRTZ]
Ya got evil!

[GIRLS]
Oh, we got evil!

[DOOFENSHMIRTZ]
In the Tri-State Area!

[GIRLS]
In the Tri-State Area!

[DOOFENSHMIRTZ]
With a capital E and that rhymes with P and that stands for Poolinator!

[GIRLS]
That stands for Poolinator!

[DOOFENSHMIRTZ]
Oh, surely I’m evil!

[GIRLS]
Oh surely he’s evil

[DOOFENSHMIRTZ]
I’m a ne’er-do-well ruffian!

[GIRLS]
A bad guy!

[DOOFENSHMIRTZ]
Get ready for Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz to rule!

[GIRLS]
All citizens will bow to evil, evil, evil…

[DOOFENSHMIRTZ]
Oh, we got evil
We got terrible, terrible evil!
My complex scheme is what they call proof of fool

[GIRLS]
Proof of fool!

[DOOFENSHMIRTZ]
Oh yes, we got evil, evil, evil!

[GIRLS]
Oh yes, we got evil here, we got big, big evil…

[DOOFENSHMIRTZ]
Evil with a capital "E"!

[GIRLS]
With a capital "E"!

[DOOFENSHMIRTZ]
Gotta rhyme it with "P"!

[GIRLS]
That rhymes with "P"!

[DOOFENSHMIRTZ]
And that stands for Pool!

[GIRLS]
(That stands for pool!)

[DOOFENSHMIRTZ]
…-inator!

---ALTERNATE ENDING---
[DOOFENSHMIRTZ, spoken]
Ah, what the heck? Kickline!

[DOOFENSHMIRTZ] (GIRLS)
Got a capital E
(With a capital E)
Gotta rhyme it with P
(That rhymes with P)
And that stands for...
(That stands for Pool!)
Pooooooooooooooooooool-
-inator! *laughs*