[EMCEE, spoken]
For her first number, Miss Roxie Hart would like to sing a song
Of love and devotion dedicated to her dear husband Amos

[ROXIE]
Sometime's I'm right
Sometime's I'm wrong
But he doesn't care
He'll string along
He loves me so
That funny honey of mine

Sometime's I'm down
Sometime's I'm up
But he follows 'round
Like some droopy-eyed pup
He loves me so
That funny honey of mine

He ain't no sheik
That's no great physique
Lord knows, he ain't got the smarts

But look at that soul
I tell you, the whole
Is a whole lot greater than
The sum of his parts
And if you knew him like me
I know you'd agree
What if the world
Slandered my name?
Why he'd be right there
Takin' the blame

He loves me so
And it all suits me fine
That funny, sunny, honey
Hubby of mine

[AMOS, spoken]
A man's got a right to protect his home
And his loved ones, right?

[FOGARTY, spoken]
Of course, he has

[AMOS, spoken]
Well, I came in from the garage, Officer, and I
See him coming through the window. With my
Wife Roxanne there, sleepin'... like an angel... an angel!

[ROXIE]
He loves me so
That Funny honey of mine
[AMOS, spoken]
I mean supposin', just supposin', he had violated her or somethin'... you know what I mean...
Violated?

[FOGARTY, spoken]
I know what you mean

[AMOS, spoken]
... or somethin'. Think how terrible that would have been
It's a good thing I came home from work on time, I'm tellin' ya that! I say I'm tellin' ya that!

[ROXIE]
He loves me so
That funny honey of mine

[FOGARTY, spoken]
Name of deceased... Fred Casely

[AMOS, spoken]
Fred Casely. How could he be a burglar? My wife knows him! He sold us our furniture!

[ROXIE]
Lord knows he ain't got the smarts

[AMOS, spoken]
She lied to me. She told me he was a burglar!
[FOGARTY, spoken]
You mean he was dead when you got home?

[AMOS, spoken]
She had him covered with a sheet already and she's givin' me that cock and bull story about this burglar, and I ought to say that I did it 'cause I was sure to get off
Burglar, huh!

[ROXIE]
Now, he shot off his trap
With just one more brain
What a half-wit he'd be

If they string me up
I'll know who
Brought the twine

[AMOS, spoken]
And I believed her!
That cheap little tramp
So, she's two-timing me, huh?
Well she can just swing for all I care
Boy, I'm down at the garage
Working my butt off, fourteen hours a day
And she's up munchin' on bonbons
And tramping around like some goddamn floozy
Thought you could pull a war by
I wasn't born yet
I tell you there's something a man just can't take
This time she pushed me too far
That little chiseler
Boy, what a sap I was!

[ROXIE]
That scummy crummy
Dummy hubby of mine