Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer
The beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler
The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys
I was camped out in my old La-Z-Boy

The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife
The worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives
My wife couldn't argue and neither could I
So I watched TV and my wife, she just cried

When out in the yard the dog started barkin'
I stood up and looked and saw Sheriff Larkin
He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
And I got a complaint from a feller named Claus."

"Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus
And you ain't takin me in without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night."
I said, "Well, that might've been me, just what's he look like?"

The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly
That shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly
He sports a long beard and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sherriff, that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes Roy," the Sheriff he said
"The man I'm describing is dressed all in red
I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean
Tell me what you done, and tell me what you've seen."
Well I started to lie then I thought 'what the hell?
It wouldn't be the first time I spent New Years in jail.'
I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten and
I thought that my wife had been drinking again

When she walked in from work she was white as a ghost
I thought 'maybe she'd seen one of them UFO's.'
But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head
And stopped on the roof of our good neighbor Red

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shutter
A freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter
Well, my hands were a shaking as I grabbed my gun
When outta Red's chimney this feller did run

And slung on his back was a bag overflowin'
I thought 'he'd stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowlin'
So I yelled, "Drop it fat boy, hands up in the air!"
But he went about his business like he hadn't a care

So I popped off a warning shot over his head
Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled
And as he flew off I heard him extort:
"That's assault with intent Roy! I'll see you in court!"

Sheriff, I'll tell you this, you put a subpoena on me, I ain't gonna show up. If you're gonna show up, I'll hole up in the cellar and you'll never rid me outta there. So why don't say we just forget all this cuz we've known each other a long time. You just turn the car off, come in and we'll watch wrestling and eat some Easter bunny stew and talk about how ta catch that tooth fairy. She's been over here about every other night...