[ED BISHOP (?)]
Floyd's in trouble, that's fer sure
But I's in much worse
'Fore he could shave!
So don't talk to me 'bout brave

[DOYLE (?)]
I used to go for caves and stuff
Back when I was scrawny enough to get down in there
Thought I'd be a billionaire

[BISHOP]
Once when I was underground
I heard an awesome sound
Above my head
Thought for sure I's dead

In a flash and like a flood
Boulders, rocks and sand and mud
Smashed me down

(I do declare!)

Uh huh!
I cussed and screamed and hollered and swore
Goddamn, I almost tore my arm off
To do it
But that's how you get through it
It weren't no picnic but by damn it was done
'Tween a rock an' a hard place
I've been there plenty of'en
'Tween a rock an' a hard place
An' I ain't in a coffin!

If you look death right in the face
The hardest place'll soften!
That's where I thrive, I'm still alive
At the reaper I'm a-scoffin', I'm a-scoffin'
Ooh...

[JEWELL]
Well now Bishop, I'm impressed!
I didn't know that you was blessed
With such a fine imagination
But I had a tougher situation:

One day I'm fishin' in my boat
Fall asleep an' I start to float
Down the river

(Aww!)
(Like a baby in a cradle)

Shut up!
When I wake, the water's white
It takes me all my might
To keep from flippin'
Round n' round she's whippin'

'Fore I even have time to think
Bobbin' around, in the drink
Cascadin' down, to the brink
Of a waterfall
One hundred fifty-five foot tall

I thought— if I'm goin' straight to hell
You know what Lord, I might as well
Enjoy it some!
'Cause Devil, here I come!
I said—
Hee hee hee
Da dee dee dee dee dee!
Ooh!

[ALL]
Ah dee dee dee dee dee, dee dee de de-doo

[JEWELL]
I must'a had a pretty good landin'
'Cause here I am, before you standin'
Am I not?
I'm tough as snot
[ALL]
It weren't no picnic but by damn it was done

[DOYLE, spoken]
God damn, I was a soldier.​ I'ma make you pansies hold your breath.​

(My good granny, Doyle. Now you goin' tell us that you was a soldier?)

Let me tell you somethin' about death

(sung)
Nineteen hundred seventeen:
Met the Germans, they was mean
On the battlefield
Thought my fate was sealed

Shot a hole clean through my stomach
Weren't much left to my stomach
When they was done
Thought they had the battle won!

Couldn't move an inch, couldn't get away
Gushin' like a pig on slaughter day
Didn't look like no bouquet of daffodils
—No sir!
The day was comin' closer
With my last mortar shell
I blew those Germans back to hell
Where they belong!
Correct me if I'm wrong—

[ALL]
It weren't no picnic but by damn it was done
And by damn it was fun!

(Everybody now!)

'Tween a rock an' a hard place
I been there plenty often
'Tween a rock an' a hard place
An' I ain't in a coffin!

You look death right in the face
The hardest place'll soften
That's where I thrive, I'm still alive
At the reaper I'm a-scoffin', I'm a-scoffin'!
At the reaper
I'm a-scoffin'!