[Reporters, spoken]
He's coming! He's coming! Conrad Birdie is coming!
Hey Conrad, how about answering a few questions?
How do you feel about joining in the Army?

[Albert, spoken]
How does he feel?
You ask how he feels?
He's much too shy to tell you
So, I'll tell you how he feels

(sung)
He feels brave and eager!
Strangely humble! Proud to be a plain GI!

[Rosie]
He will gladly face those bullets
For he's not afraid to die!

[All]
For he's a fine, upstanding, patriotic, healthy, normal
American boy!

[Albert, spoken]
And that's why he volunteered for...
[Reporter, spoken]
Volunteered? I thought he was drafted!

[Another Reporter, spoken]
And he appealed... three times!

[Rosie, spoken]
Sing!

[Girls]
We love you, Conrad
Oh yes we do
We love you, Conrad
And we'll be true!
When you're not near us
We're blue!
Oh, Conrad, we love you...

[Albert, spoken]
Very nice!

[Reporter, spoken]
Say, what's the pitch on that Hollywood starlet, Conrad?
Are you two engaged?

[Rosie, spoken]
Is he engaged? Is Conrad engaged?
There's absolutely nothing to the rumor he's engaged!
[Albert]
She's a real pal, like a sister, but it doesn't mean a thing!
And that eighteen carat diamond, it was just a "friendship" ring!

[All]
For he's a fine, upstanding, patriotic, healthy, normal American boy!

[Reporter, spoken]
Then why was her husband so mad?

[Albert, spoken]
Sing!

[Girls]
We love you, Conrad
Oh yes we do
We love you, Conrad
And we'll be true!

[Albert, spoken]
Oh I'll never forget what Conrad said when he found out he'd been accepted to the armed forces
"Gee Mr Peterson," he said eagerly, "Do you suppose they'll assign me to the front line trenches? That way I'll get myself one of those dirty Jerries?"

[Rosie, spoken]
Oh, uh, Albert
[Albert, spoken]
Or whoever is dirty this time

[Reporter, spoken]
Hey, Mr. Peterson, give us the scoop. Is Conrad still drinking a lot?

[Rosie]
Now listen here! This gossip must stop!
He goes to church each Sunday and he doesn't touch a drop!

[Albert]
He's as decent as a minister!

[Rosie, spoken]
Absolutely

[Albert]
He's as sober as a judge!
He subscribes to ev'ry charity!
And his hobby's making fudge!

[All]
For he's a fine upstanding, patriotic, healthy, normal American boy

[Reporter]
Is it true that you found Conrad in a Reform School?

[Rosie and Albert]
That is a lie!
A lie through and through!
I'll tell you where he came from, here's the story and it's true!

[Rosie]
He was born in Indochina

[Albert]
He was born in old Virginie

[Rosie]
Son of missionaries there!

[Albert]
On a thousand acre farm!

[Rosie]
Very poor and very hungry

[Albert]
From a line of wealthy planters

[Rosie]
What a cruel life to bear!

[Albert]
Full of genteel, southern charm!

[Rosie]
Then he drifted down to Hong Kong

[Albert]
Every evening, by the river

[Rosie]
To a waterfront saloon!

[Albert]
In the moonlight they would croon!

[Rosie]
That is where I heard him singing

[Albert]
That's where Conrad started singing

[Rosie]
Undereath the Hong Kong moon!

[Albert]
'Neath that sweet plantation moon![Adults][Teens]Oh, beautiful for spacious skiesWe love you, Conrad! Oh, yes we do!For amber waves of grainWe love you, Conrad, and we'll be true.America, America,Oh, oh, Conrad, we love youGod shed His grace on thee.We love you, Conrad, and we'll be true.[All]
For he's a fine upstanding, av'rage, modest, patriotic
Healthy, normal American
American boy!