[Star Trek theme music begins]
SPAAAAACE - The Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship *BOOBYPRIZE*. Its five year mission - to sell T-shirts, toy phasers, plastic communicators, and anything else we can think of. To seek out new life in old plots and complications. To boldly go where EVERYONE HAS GONE BEFORE!
[Music surge]
S T A R D R E K !
JERK: Captain's log, stardate 6935.2. We are in orbit around the planet Shwartz
SNOTT: Engineering to Captain Jerk! Engineering to Captain Jerk!!
JERK: Jerk here, what is it Snotty?
SNOTT: Captain, the warp drive mechanisms are generating excess
Antimatter. The pods are overloadin' now, if it continues at this rate, I canna be responsible for the safety of the ship!
JERK: Don't have a spaz, Snotty
SNOTT: Ach, but the whole ship's gonna blow itself to pieces, Jim!
JERK: I WANT ANSWERS, MISTER!
SNOTT: Well, I tried shovin' a wiener in the warp drive, but it dinna
Do a bit of good. By the by, would ya have a wee bit of mustard up on the bridge?
JERK: Mr. Schlock?
SCHLOCK: No mustard, Captain
JERK: Analysis, Schlock?
SCHLOCK: It would appear that Lieutenant Snott is about to eat a wiener without mustard
JERK: As always, your logic is impeccable, Mr. Schlock. However, I was referring to the emergency in the ship's warp drive
SCHLOCK: I would say that the program is at too early a stage to permit solving any serious difficulties, Jim
JERK: Recommendation?
SCHLOCK: Suggest you wait for further plot complication before undertaking corrective measures
JERK: Logical, Mr. Schlock. Perfectly logical. Dr. McCoy?
McCOY: I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A SCRIPTWRITER!
COMPUTER: WARNING! This is a plot complication!
WARNING! This is a plot complication!
WARNING! This is a plot complication!
SCHLOCK: Plot complication showing up on ship's sensors now, Captain. I am switching to visual...
JERK: What is it, Mr. Schlock?
SCHLOCK: Computer data coming in now, Captain. It's just what we need - a colossal negative space wedgie of great power coming right at us at warp speed
JERK: Uh, Mr. Lulu, commence evasive action!
LULU: Yesss, Captain Jerrrrrk
SCHLOCK: Evasive action ineffective, Captain. The wedgie is turning with us and closing rapidly. Estimated time of impact approximately 16.9 seconds. 15...
JERK: Bridge to Engineering!
SCHLOCK: 14... 13...
SNOTT: Snott here, Captain
SCHLOCK: 12... 11...
JERK: What's not there, Snotty?
SCHLOCK: 10... 9...
SNOTT: I said, SNOTT HERE, CAPTAIN!
SCHLOCK: 8... 7...
JERK: Snotty, give me full power! Get us out of here fast!
SCHLOCK: 6... 5...
SNOTT: Ach, I canna do it. The toilets have backed up into the warp drive! It will take time to make repairs!
SCHLOCK: 4... 3...
JERK: Time? Mr. Schlock?
SCHLOCK: 2... 1... WIPEOUT!
*C R A S H* *B O O M* *S P L A T*
SCHLOCK: Readings are off the scale, Captain! I have not encountered this phenomenon before
JERK: Damage report! Lieutenant Manura?
MANURA: I dunno, but I say we took a shellackin' out here!
SCHLOCK: Fascinating
JERK: What is it, Mr. Schlock?
SCHLOCK: The force seems to have passed though us, and entered the surface of the planet Shwartz. Yet, tricorder readings fail to indicate any such energy from the planet
JERK: Opinion, Mr. Schlock?
SCHLOCK: Insufficient data, Captain
JERK: Into the elevator, Mr. Schlock! Let's beam down to the planet's surface so I can find an alien to fall in love with before the program's over!
SCHLOCK: You usually do
JERK: Ain't I somethin'! Uh, Mr. Lulu, you've got the conn
LULU: Thaaaank yeew, Captain Jerkkkkkk!
[PFFFT! The door opens...]
JERK: Elevator, transporter room
ELEVATOR: I'm fine, how are you?
JERK: ELEVATOR, I SAID TRANSPORTER ROOM!
ELEVATOR: I'm fine, how are you?
JERK: Oh, forget it! Elevator to Engineering! Beam us down from here, Snotty!
SNOTT: Aye aye, Captain! You are locked on coordinates now
JERK: Energize, Mr. Snott
[Standard transporter noises, fade to city traffic noises in background]
SCHLOCK: Remarkable! There is no record of any such civilization as this on the planet Shwartz
JERK: Look, Schlock! Here comes a car... feast your Vulcan squinties on that driver!
[Car screeches to a stop]
SCHLOCK: Far out, Captain Jerk
GIRL: Want a lift, sailor?
JERK: As a matter of fact, I do. I'll say 'goodbye' here, Mr. Schlock
Now you will have what you always wanted - command of the BOOBYPRIZE!
SCHLOCK: And you will have what you always wanted...
JERK: What's that, Mr. Schlock?
SCHLOCK: A bleached blond in red convertible on planet Shwartz
JERK: Ain't I somethin'! Well, say 'bye-bye' to Starfleet command for me, and I will see you on 'Hollywood Squares'!
SCHLOCK: Bye-bye, Jim
[Sound of car driving off]
SCHLOCK: I thought he would never go
[Sound of communicator opening]
SCHLOCK: Schlock to BOOBYPRIZE!
SNOTT: Snott here, Mr. Schlock
SCHLOCK: What's not there, Lieutenant Snott?
SNOTT: I said, SNOTT HERE, MISTER SCHLOCK!
SCHLOCK: That's CAPTAIN Schlock
SNOTT: Aye?
SCHLOCK: Make it ONE to beam up!
[Music surge]
