[Verse 1]
You see, Valentine's is torture, and my birthday is a mess
New Year's is a lot of noise, and Arbor Day's a pest
Halloween's a horror but I guess I must confess
That I really don't hate Christmas

[Verse 2]
You see Flag Day is infernal, April Fool's is just a bore
Mardi Gras's a waste unless you own a candy store
All these other holidays I can admit that I abhor
But I really don't hate Christmas

[Chorus 1]
Now it isn't that I like it
At the most I feel ambivalence
But should I really just destroy it? I'll admit that I'm still on the fence
It makes me tense!

[Verse 3]
From the evil scientists' community I'm sure to get ejected
But for Christmas I can't seem to summon any true invective
Because what is there to hate? I mean it's really so subjective
No, I really don't hate Christmas

[Verse 4]
I hate puppy dogs and kittens, I hate flowers in the spring
Heck, I even hate the sunshine and the birdies when they sing
I can work up animosity for almost anything
Tell me why I don't hate Christmas
[Chorus 2]
Though my childhood was atrocious
Christmas never was that bad, you see
So the most that I can muster is complete and total apathy
What's wrong with me?

[Verse 5]
How can I prove that I'm an evil villain worth his salt
When with a holiday so jolly I can't even find a fault?
If I didn't feel ambiguous I'd launch a big assault
But I really don't hate Christmas

(Spoken) Oh, what the heck. Kickline!

[Outro]
No I really
No I really don't hate Christmas!
(Spoken) I have an intense BURNING indifference!