I've been thinking about the word crush,
And how you were my first,
And how the worst thing that could've happened, happened.
When you and I were 10,
And made to work together on a Grade Five presentation about animals.
I was so nervous.

Without ever having met you I began to reminisce about how you
Fell in love with me.
It was your typical love story.
"School is attacked by zombie dinosaurs,
And shy kid saves the day."

I think about the way I was when I was younger,
About how my hunger for acceptance
Drove me to cannibalise my fantasies of love and to loneliness,
Believing everyone else would have to die
Just for you to love me.

But in a role reversal I never expected,
You fingertip drew halos around the heads of snow angels.
You saved me.

Alone together in the back of a library,
We studied each animal secret society
And learned the use of the collective noun.
Example: A murder of crows.
God knows it sounds ominous,
But this is how I learned about community.
We have names for the groupings that occur even in the open ocean.
A battery of barracudas.
A shiver of sharks.
A school of fish.
And I pondered the philosophy,
"Since barracudas and sharks are technically fish,
Wouldn't the term "school of fish" encapsulate them as well?"

Wasn't long before you went on to tell me
That each term was, in some way, meant
To suggest the nature of each beast.
A destruction of wildcats.
A crash of rhinoceroses.

This is not meant to say that each animal is considered in some way deadly
There are those that sound down right lovely.
A murmuration of starlings.
A kindle of kittens.
An exaltation of larks.

Some are meant to sound industrious or prestigious.
A parliament of owls.
A labour of moles.

But I feel for the outcasts
A smack of jellyfish.
An implausibility of wildebeests.
An apology of Canadians.
You loved the classification "A cowardice of curs."
Believed this is where the term "underdog" stems from,
That sometimes we become more than the definitions that are thrust upon us,
That we can bite back.
That "a pack of wolves" is apart of our ancestry,
And the moment we embrace our history,
We become a new destiny.
We can rewrite our legacy
Because we are a storytelling of ravens.

I began applying this concept to my life that,
Arriving to the conclusion that dickheads
Congregate in groups.
And I cannot describe the solemn pride
That was mine when I arrived home
With a report card that read,
"Shane does not work well in groups."
I told you this,
And we both laughed.

And maybe it was my happiness that gave me away
Betrayed my position to the three boys who'd made a hobby out of making me cry.
I still remember the impact from when they pushed me over in my chair.
And you,
You could've just sat there.
I wouldn't have been angry.
But instead you decided to teach me that assholes,
Come in bunches.
I learned this fact to the back of that library
You helped me up off of the ground then turned around to tell my attackers,
"You guys are a bunch of assholes."
We were 10.

If you ever want to know how it feels to be saved,
Just let someone save you.
Let someone rescue the smile drowning inside you,
It's not too late, I swear.
See, I once hid my heart inside of a hat,
And pulled out a rabbit that ran away,
Just so I could say it was a vanishing act.

Ta-da!

But through you,
I learned real magic is about making things comes back, I know
Because when a 10 year old girl can go on to shock three bullies into silence
You know you have just determined your life long definition of beautiful.
And all of the other wonderful instances in your existance
Will volunteer to dim their brilliance, so that throughout your life
This moment will shine brightest.

You made the best snow angels.
Laid them out in threes, like paper dolls holding hands
And said it was because even two people,
Can feel alone.

I think of the time I would have destroyed the world
Just so I could be with you,
I've grown up since then.
I think often of a time when I placed a penny
On top of a penny,
On top of a railroad track.
And waited for a train to squish one coin into the other
So that I could give you a 2 cent piece,
Because you were scared one day they would raise the price of 1 cent candies.

These are the ways I loved you.

You were the only one to give me a card on valentine's day.
Granted, you gave one to everyone.
But hard to believe you gave the best one to me.
And the other boys were jealous of a small card
With a picture of a shark biting a heart
Saying, "I think you're jawesome!"

I wanted to draw you a card of a crab pinching a heart
Saying, "I think you're crabulous!"
My Grandad advised me against it,
Citing that in my teens I would understand
Why that's not a good idea.

And now every time I see a lone snow angel I think of you.

So I offer you now a crush of hearts,
A sacrifice of body parts laid upon the alter of better times,
When the lines inside of a colouring book were only suggestions, girl.
Sometimes you gotta scribble.
Gotta colour the sun purple
Just so you know what it feels like to be in charge.
Sometimes you gotta love just a little
So you can finally start to live large.

I offer you a lifetime of held breaths.
A juggernaut of thank yous.
A thimble of blues.
Know who's who of by misuse.
Because I am made up of memories,
And these are the diamonds I keep polished
Just so I know what its like to treasure something.

I've been thinking about the word crush,
And how you were my first,
And how the worst thing that could've happened, happened.
When you turned 11,
And moved away.

Didn't even get to say goodbye,
Because you moved in the Summer,
And I returned to a school,
Your absence echoed in my ears
For all the years I had left to deal with what it
Feels like to be alone,
I've grown up since then.

But think often of the time when we were 10,
When you made snow angels hold hands.
Laid them down side by side and I tied my definition of beauty
To your memory.

We never even kissed.
Cause you probably never knew.
But goddamn, girl,
I had the biggest crush on you.