My dearest Miss Patsy, I'm writing to say
That I'm sorry to not be in touch
It's been quite a parade, but my thoughts never strayed
Too far, or too long, or too much

Miss Patsy, forgive all the choices I made
I've been fighting shadows on the wrong crusade
Looking for ghosts in a penny arcade
Miss Patsy, no more will I roam
Miss Patsy, won't you carry me home

They held me to ransom back there in the foothills
And nobody stumped up a bean
Not Swifty, nor Eddie, came up with the ready
It can make you think people plain mean

Miss Patsy, forgive all the choices I made
I've been fighting shadows on the wrong crusade
Looking for ghosts in a penny arcade
Miss Patsy, no more will I roam
Miss Patsy, won't you carry me home

I've been hanging out with some virtuous people
They emptied my bank account twice
The gave me self-confidence, even some clothes
And a truckload of love and advice
When they gave out the cyanide pills with a wink
And said, Wait for the word, any day now, we think
I knew it was time to pull back from the brink
Miss Patsy, no more will I roam
Miss Patsy, won't you carry me home
Miss Patsy, I looked at myself in the mirror
Decided I needed some work
Got me a nose job, a shave and a haircut
To drive all them ladies berserk
But the arm round my waist was a man in dark blue
He said, Ain't you him? We've been looking for you
Now I'm sharing a cell with a holy kung fu
Miss Patsy, no more will I roam
Miss Patsy, won't you carry me home