[Dennis Waterman and George Cole are in character as their starring roles in the TV show Minder, as Terry McCann and Arthur Daley, respectively.]

[Song – Dennis Waterman singing]
When the moon is blue
On the fifth of June
I'll be waiting at your gate
I don't only want a lover, my dear
I also want a mate
Oh, and if you will say...
(George Cole interrupts:) Terry, Terry, Terry...
That you love... t-too...

[Skit – both actors, dialogue]
D: What?
G: You alright?
D: Yeah. Why?
G: W-w-what was that terrible moaning?
D: Oh yeah, well, uh. Well, that was me. I'm fiddling about on the guitar, ain't I?
G: Guitar, you?
D: Yeah
G: Who do you think you are, Eric Clapton?
D: Haha. No, I'm writing a little song...
G: Ah, is it rude?
D: No, it's not rude
G: Oh, it'll never sell then. What's it about?
D: Well, it's... Just a little song for my lady friend
G: Lady friend? You? You don't have lady friends. You have birds, bints, Richards...
D: No, well this one's a bit different
G: Ah yeah, yeah? She strips with her back to the audience, does she?
D: Nah, she's not a stripper – as it happens
G: Well, come on, come on. Four less p. What is she?
D: Well, she's, um... She's a lady, um... Policeman
G: I beg your pardon?
D: Well, it's got nothing to do with you anyway
G: No-no-no-no-no-no-no, say that again, say that again. And don't rumble your plectrum this time
D: She's a lady policeman
G: That is tantamount to treachery, Terrence. I mean, a traffic warden – I could forgive. I mean, I can see the perks there. She'd tow you away for nothing... And give you a free clamp
D: Listen you! I don't care what you think, alright?
G: Oh my good God, you are serious – in't ya?
D: Yes
G: A lady policeman
D: That's right
G: A woman constable
D: Yes
G: What are you gonna call the song? 'I Lost My Heart to a W.C.'? Hahahaha!
D: Oi, listen you. On your bike – y'know I didn't ask ya
G: No-no-no, no, no. No, come on. No-no, I wanna hear it. And I wanna see those great mauler's fists, beating up an innocent little guitar
D: You sure?
G: Yeah, yeah – go on
D: Well, I'm no Dylan, y'know?
G: No, no, no. And I shouldn't think you're much of a Dougal either. Come on, get on with it. I fancy a bit of a laugh

[Song – Dennis Waterman singing]
When the moon is blue
On the fifth of June
I'll be waiting at your gate
I don't only want a lover, my dear
I also want a mate
With her little chequered hat
And her uniform so trim
(George Cole interrupts:) And a truncheon up her jumper – she'll have the cuffs on him! Hahahaha!

[Skit – dialogue]
D: Ah, come on, come on – I don't need this!
G: No, no – alright
D: Either you listen or you get out, alright?
G: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright, alright. Go on then, go on, go on
D: Alright
G: No, look, look – seriously though... Would you like me to do, uh, a bit of backing for you? You know: "Doo-wah, doo-wah, doo-wah..."
D: No, thank you Arthur
G: No, no, no – I suppose it would be more your: "'Ello, 'ello, 'ello..." Haha! I'm listening
D: Listen!
G: I'm listening...
D: Alright...

[Song – Dennis Waterman singing]
When the moon is blue
On the fifth of new June
(Spoken:) Made me get it wrong then...
I'll be waiting at your gate

[Skit – dialogue]
G: Terrence, there is just
D (singing): I don't only want...
G: No, hang on – no, hang about
D: What?
G: This is different. I had no idea. I mean, you – a once nearly good pugilist – suddenly becoming something else
D: Huh?
G: A composer! A star in your own right! I can see it now. 'Terry – and the Tin McCanns'
D: Eh?
G: Or 'Terry – and the Macaroons'
D: Oh, hold on – what are you talking about? All I'm doing is writing a little song for my girl, alright?
G: And there'll be millions of girls, Terry. And money. Couple-a number ones. A two week world tour. Clean up
D: For God's sake, Arthur. What? You can't...
G: Please, please, please! I'm planning. Play

D (singing): And if you say that you like me...

G: No, no-no-no-no, Terry, no. No-no-no-no, no, no
D: Huh? What?
G: No, no – play it faster
D: What?
G: Faster. It's what we call tempo. That's what your record buying punter wants – tempo
D: I can't play it faster. It's a nice little song, for my girl
G: Look, look, for the 20% you're gonna cop out of this, you'll do as I say
D: 20%
G: I look – I'll look after the quids. You look after the quavers...
D: Fast?
G: Fast

D (singing): When the... Moon is blue on the fifth of June!
G: No-no-no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no
D (singing): I'll be waiting at...
G: No, Terry, Terry, no-no-no-no-no. I think you're right. It's better soppy
D: Soppy?!
G: Look, will you stop interrupting? You won't ask all these questions, when I'm luxuriating in my mansion in Weybridge
D: Mansion in Weybridge?! Oh, hold on, excuse me – but what am I gonna get out of all of this, eh?
G: You'll see the world, won't ya? Have gigs in all the best places. Trocadero, The Marquee, The Hollywood Sink
D: Well, it would... It's bowl – you prune. 'Hollywood Bowl'
G: You see, it's easy for you. Scribble a ditty a day
D: Well, just like that?
G: Just like that. But I'll be doing the worrying, the organising, the scheming
D: The stealing...
G: Exactly. Look – this is not conducive to a good client-management relationship. But I'll swallow it just this once. Now, play...
D: Yeah, alright

[Song – Dennis Waterman singing]
And if you would say that you like me
I would say that I like you
I can only give you the simple things
'Cos there's not a lot I can do
Oh, my
My, my, my
My, my, my
Marjorie
(George Cole interrupts:) What?

[Skit – dialogue]
D: Uh, uh, what?
G: That last bit
D: What?
G: Play it, play it – the last bit
D: What?
G: Go on, go on...
D: [Mumbles singing through the few preceding lines]
D (singing): Oh, my – my, my, my – my, my, my Marjorie...
G: No, Terrence, no, no. Not Marjorie
D: You talking about? That's her name, innit
G: Change it, change it
D: I can't change it!
G: You'll have to
D: No... You tell her to change it!
G: Terry – we are going to the pinnacle. The extra-terrestrials of Tin Can Alley. You can't drag a bird called 'Marge' around with ya. God
D: Ah, come on. I've had enough of this
G: Nah, nah, nah, nah, look
D: Nah, that's it, no
G: It'll be – it'll be your Biancas, your rulers, and your Yokos
D: Have you snapped or something?
G: Executive decision. Come on. Play...
D: [*Growls*]

[Song – Dennis Waterman singing]
She does it because she cares
She's looking after you
Her eyes are so adorable
(George Cole interrupts:) And one of them is blue! Hahahaha!

[Skit – dialogue]
D: Alright, alright, that's it!
G: No, no, no
D: No, no. Come on, I've had enough!
G: That's just my little joke
D: Little joke?
G: Yes, just my little joke
D: Hurgh!
G: Come on
D: I won't warn you again you know. I've had enough
G: No-no-no, no, no. I'm off. Gotta convert the lockup into a recording studio. Sing on, my son. Ta-ta
D: Ta-ta

[Song – Dennis Waterman singing]
When the moon is blue
On the fifth of June
I'll be waiting at your gate
I don't only want a lover, my dear
[*Siren noises*]
I also want a mate...
(George Cole interrupts:) Terry, I think she's come to pick you up... Hahahahaha!

[Skit – dialogue]
D: Pick?... Urgh! I'll kill him, one of these days. I've really had enough of this. Listen – you come back!... Hello Marge...