Waking up on Christmas morning and something’s changed
Gunfire, bombs dropping, earth-shaking, our country’s ablaze

PETA has taken away the reindeer and the sleigh
Has been replaced by a Prius, I just don’t think it’s okay
So much less room for presents, the car is smaller than the sleigh
There’ll be a dearth of joy, we’ve got to do something now

The War on Christmas
Recruiting soldiers for the War on Christmas
The ringing jingle bells, a holy mission
Drone mistletoe strikes in the War on Christmas

Saw the new Starbucks cup, it’s so grotesque and profane
Because of that, Christmas is probably cancelled
Unless we shout across the land, “Christmas is what we demand”

A friend’s mom said “Merry Christmas” and they took her away
We’re all so terrified, our values melt and disintegrate
No more Christmas cookies, just nondescript “holiday sweet shapes”
The holiday chemicals are turning all of the frogs gay

We used to sing those Christmas carols
We used to decorate Christmas trees
Evil overlords, shouting proudly
Their decree?
“High five, hell yeah, Christmas is history”
The War on Christmas
Recruiting soldiers for the War on Christmas
The ringing jingle bells, a holy mission
Drone mistletoe strikes in the War on Christmas

Santa in body armor, War on Christmas
Candy cane bayonets and gingerbread munitions
Nativity scene cannons fired at opposition
Wounded in battle? Red and Green heart decoration

We’re saying Merry Christmas
Basically, no one says Merry Christmas
It’s all we want for Christmas

We’re saying Merry Christmas
Basically, no one says Merry Christmas
It’s on our Christmas wishlist

We’re saying Merry Christmas
Basically everyone is locked in jail for saying Merry Christmas
We’re saying Merry Christmas
Basically there is nothing left to do
Except join our friend’s mom in jail for saying Merry Christmas

The War on Christmas
Recruiting soldiers for the War on Christmas
The ringing jingle bells, a holy mission
Drone mistletoe strikes in the War on Christmas
We’ll lift our voices in the War on Christmas
We’ll scream about it to anyone who is listenin’
We’re going on and on and on, “hey, we’re the victims”
We’ll wage a yearly war until they bring back Christmas

We’ll wage a yearly war until they bring back Christmas
We’ll wage a yearly war until they bring back Christmas
Our lawyers keep on saying “don’t say Merry Christmas”
We’ll keep on fighting ‘til they bring back Christmas