[Part I]

[Intro: Unknown P & Charlie Sloth]
Okay, right, here we are
Charlie
Yup
We're about to take them to the chocolate factory
Why, why are you hitting me with the fat jokes for?
I'm not say - I'm just saying sort of - very sort of Oompa Loompa vibes going on, you know?
Oh
Ok, right, so, drill
Get into my drilly meditation
Wow
Drill gods, be with me
Is this happening?
I should probably say, shoutout to my friends in prison, shouldn't I?
Okay
Shoutout to Martin and Tabitha, currently in the pen for tax evasion
Damn
Free my jiggas!
It's Kosfinger—
Mad
Mmm

[Verse: Unknown P]
Riding 'round in the Rover
If I see opps, then it's over
I'll send man straight to Jehovah
When I take shots like M. Sharapova
Doing up tennis
Call man Dennis, I'm a Menace
Doing up olives in Venice
Big man ting, I'm bigger than Ben is
Stop it
Otherwise Unknown P might bash man's head straight down like a Bop It
So make like a Freddo and hop it
Your girl is four foot four and got bare hair on her toes like a Hobbit
If I see her in the club then I'm doing up AJ, the way that I weave and bob it
And I'm not from Homerton, not from Hackney
So I never go East 'cause bare man try spot P like acne
I'm from Surrey where me and the mandem always go hunting
And the gyaldem are thick like Theresa May on a real big bum ting
19 Hunna on the new rusty, had a gap year in Kenya, came back with the feet so dusty
Still waking up to geese in country
And I never have porridge at nan's because it's... oh, so lumpy
And if opps wanna throw some hands then I just draw for the pumpy
Look at me, I'm Unknown T, I've got braids and a deep voice
And when I bend my back and then dig it, I really hurt my knee joints
Got a song called "Throwback", but my girl got no back, mmm
And if you wanna talk Unknowns, then you better talk P, just know that
[Part II]

[Intro: Unknown P & Charlie Sloth]
Ok, so this next one is a little bit of a "marshup"
A what sorry?
Like a "marshup", like all of my greatest hits for all the mandem to sing along to
A mashup
Yeah, like a sort of, S Club 7's best hits but slightly more violent
Wow
Anyway here we go

[Verse: Unknown P]
Mmm, see a goose and I smack it, whack, whack, pull up, skrrt
Feathers, bang, poor thing gets made to a jacket
Get the camera out then pap it
When it comes to the shank, all my brothers know how to back it
Got a ten out of ten out of ten, now that's a hat trick (It's Dray)
Listen, Unknown P, five foot three, posh drill rapper MC
Bare MC wanna pull up on me but I live in Brockley SE23
Shaking man's hand like Paul Hollywood
If Mary was younger then I probably would
Bare MCs say their life is a movie, Unknown P says it's more Nollywood
Cooking up in the AGA, got new wellies, Balenciaga
Park my yacht inside the harbour, blue or white, would you rather?
Same ish different day, same hits, different Ye
Unknown P didn't come to play, here's what the posh boy has to say
I was raised in Surrey
Where mandem were never in court unless they were doing backhands like Murray
Yeah, Unknown P, I'm a posh boy, not Ashley but I am a top boy
Been doing this ting since birth, that's right, I was doing ten toes in the cot, boy
And even as a yute in nursery, I had opps in the boot of the Merc-y
And if I let them go and showed mercy, had a man give me thanks like turkey
Mmm
Now I make hits like conkers, get dizzy on the stage and the crowd's going bonkers
Girls say "P man I want ya", I wanna sweet one like the one in Willy Wonka
My girl got a peng face, your girl need to cover up just like Kwengface
Big man, M Huncho, raised in the country, never been cunch though
Boasty, bars on power looking all ghosty
If you ever mess with me and the broski, make short work of a man like Loski
Bad manners, you were raised in estate, you man never had manners
And I don't bust guns, 'cause why bust guns when I got trust funds
Two gloves and a flat cap, about ten G's in the backpack
The world is an oyster, so is your nan 'cause Percy would certainly tap that
[Outro: Unknown P & Charlie Sloth]
Give me a little bit of something for that
I mean, there was some lines in there, bro
Yeah, nah, there was some lines in there
I know, GCSE
The Murray line, woo
Miss Havisham, Great Expectations
Nah, nah, there was a couple lines in there
Can I do a little shoutout to Carol Ann Duffy?—

[Part III]

[Intro: Unknown P & Charlie Sloth]
Oh
You know, Charlie, when I was a little todger my father always said to me
"The pen is mightier than the shank"
Wait, when you was a little todger?
So I've been cooped away in the mansion, writing up bars about a couple of opps
Who have particularly peeved me
Roll Safe and Big Shaq
Oh wow
This one's for you

[Verse]
Mmm, Roll Safe
More money on my scarf than in your whole safe
Eyebrows so big, they take up my whole face
But when I smile, my teeth, they go the whole way
Big Shaq
I got the white Air Force, the ladies dig that
They call me Wes Nelson, on my Instagram
But I know it's only 'cause they thinkin' 'bout my six-pack
Mmm, let's do some quick maths
Unknown P minus talent equals a Big Shaq
You're a Big Mac and I'm an Eton Mess
I'm an Eton Mess and RS is just heating meth
Yes, he dresses like a druggy
I got the leather gloves on 'cause I'm feeling rather thuggy
I dress my girl in Prada and you dress your girl in Uggies
I Shaku on the beat and Big Shaq is still tryna Dougie
Man's not hot, man don't dance
Man's not a rapper, man's no chance
Man's not big and man's not cool
Man never studied Latin in a private school
Man's not posh, man's not boujee
Man said he's married, married to Snoochie
Married to you but attracted to me
At least that's what she said when we were shopping for Gucci
Did you see what I done?
Looks like a black boy, raps like a white one
Mmm, don't be fooled by the cap
I will snap a man's back like a twelve-pack of Snack A Jacks
MC's done out here
By a middle-class lad just having fun out here, mmm
Unknown P and I'm taking pole position
Disagree with the decision and bugger off opposition! (Haha)