[Intro: Nurse Announcer]
One Doctor to the microphone please, that's One Doctor to the mic. Thank you!

[Verse 1: One Doctor]
Welcome to Two Point! It's the place to be!
From a painless little ailment all the way to A&E
Your county's death count was quite shameful to see
So now you'll have to pay to get away from that disease

[Hook: One Doctor]
Private healthcare! It's the way it's meant to be!
Where's the Welfare? When you're getting it for free?
But it's well fair! Just beware of the receipt
Two Point's the only joint for medical relief!

[Verse 2: One Doctor]
Check in - we'll get you diagnosed
Though the wait's a little long - I hope you brought a change of clothes
A patient must be patient - make the waiting room your home
Just do your best not to pay attention to the ghosts!

[Chorus: Announcer]
Two Point Hospital's the only place to be!
Though we're required to say there's other options, legally

[Verse 3: One Doctor]
We swear that we've prepared for you the very best of care
We've medical professionals and specialists to spare
We found them on the internet, but really don't be scared
Though one or two had doctorates in crayon, to be fair
[David D. Davidson:]
Screw the anesthetic
Truly it's pathetic
When saucepan wearing is the new pandemic

[Lightheadedness Patient:]
Doctor, I'm feeling a bit lightheaded

[David D. Davidson:]
An irregular fixture, rip it out! Slot a head in!

[Night Fever Patient:]
Uh, when I step on to the scene
Moving and grooving my body - ways you've never seen
Cha Cha Slide up into the GP
You say I need treatment - what the hell do you mean?

[Cubism Patient:]
I spent a few days browsing paintings at the Tate
To awake the next day as an arrangement of shapes

[One Doctor:]
Essential oils might have been the start
Remember, medicine is not a science, it's an art!

(I've just had a call from our legal team, it is in fact, a science... apologies..)
[Into: David D. Davidson]
Right... that'll be two hundred

[Lightheadedness Patient:]
Two hundred!? What!?

[David D. Davidson:]
Two hundred watt? No, you're at least three fifty!

[Hook: One Doctor]
Private healthcare! The way it's meant to be!
Comfy desk chairs! (And a few fatalities)
But we learn a little something out of every tragedy
So your death won't be for nothing and that's a guarantee!

[Verse 4: One Doctor]
No matter what you're coming down with
I know that we can handle it
I just saw twenty clowns climbing out a tiny ambulance
A lycanthrope, a mummy, and a mammoth case of flatulence
And thirty Freddy Mercuries does wonders for the ambiance

[Chorus: Announcer]
Two Point Hospital! Try our lobotomies!
And if you aren't satisfied, get your next one for free!
[Verse 5: Grey Anatomy Patient]
I'm feeling blue, and can't express it to you
But with the doctors at this hospital, I'm fifty shades of screwed
I'm not doing so gray-t, it's Grey's Anatomy
I'm mad at these doctors, using colorful vocabulary

[Mime Crisis Patient:]
Eh, Kung Fu? Seizure? Rapping! I just rapping! Rapping, rapping!

[8 Bitten Patient:]
Arcade nightly - never ever losing
Now I'm not so spritely, I need a resolution

[Premature Mummification Patient:]
[Mumbling]

[Animal Magnetism Patient:]
I'm not a criminal! Jail? I'm afraid of that!
But with my condition, I've stolen all of my neighbor's cats!

[One Doctor:]
Before we operate, there's forms you're yet to fill
To say we're not responsible when we mess up the drill
Our honest interrogative is not to get you killed
Cuz the patients who don't make it have no way to pay the bill

[Verse 6: One Doctor]
I've treated many sickly beings from bloaty head to kidney beans
And if they're dead, it simply means an open bed (or quarantines)
Our policy is quality - we've all the best technology
We're top in Radiology
Biology, Orthology
Bionic Ornithology
And Chronic Escapology
Demonic Egyptology
Our gift shop is beyond belief
An inspection? No prob' at all!
Can't fake perfection, but we're faux nominal!

[Into: Patient]
Doctor, I think I'm addicted to petting zoos...

[One Doctor:]
Oh? What are your symptoms?

[Patient:]
Well, I've been feeling a little horse for a weeks

[Hook: One Doctor]
Private healthcare! The way it's meant to be!
There's a method to the madness aimed at every malady
We're the best you can afford and the Yelp scores agree
We've got the best shade of grey morality!

[Verse 7: Patient]
Medical practices, this is what you call it?
I would've got the same experience if I'd burned my wallet
I'm rating this place one out of five
But I've got no choice if I want to stay alive

[Chorus: Announcer]
Two Point Hospital's impossible to beat!
The costs are astronomical, cough up or you're deceased!

[Into: Rustage]
Erm... Doctor...
I keep forgetting what an airport building is called...

[One Doctor:]
...I'm so sorry. It's terminal!

[Hook: One Doctor]
Private healthcare! It's the way it's meant to be!
Don't go elsewhere! Or we'll lose our subsidies!
Ignore the screams! Have a seat, a cuppa' tea
At Two Point you should make a full recovery!

[Verse 8: One Doctor]
Ignore our poor mortality rates!
I'm sure we can charge more - tally the rates!
Yes we can get a little bit carried away
But ignoring all the flaws, tell me, how was your stay?

[Chorus: Announcer]
Choose Two Point Hospital for comical disease
We honestly can promise that we'll probably* succeed

[Outro: Nurse Announcer]
Patients are reminded that fatality is not an excuse for late payment. Thank you!