[Verse 1]
You're helpless and hopeless
You want to help out the homeless
But you've got problems
You're selfish and worthless
And you have no fucking purpose
You're a cancer-causing, cancer-having slob

[Refrain]
Whoa, Who-oa, Whoa

[Verse 2]
There are morals that conflict with orals
That conflict with anals, that believe in angels
Angels are hating on you
If good is the absence of evil
And evil is the absence of good
There is an axis of evil rolling into this neighborhood
With the sound of gun shots
Bang! Bang! Bang!

[Refrain]
Whoa, Whoa, Whoa

[Verse 3]
It was then that I found I am a vampire
I have fangs fucking 15 inches long
And the sanguinary sweetness of stealing someone's blood
Feels so good I am compelled to sing this song
And at night when I retire to my coffin
To sleep for a hundred years or more
All you people that I know will have died long ago
And your children will have died 10 years before
[Refrain]
Whoa, Whoa, Whoa