[Verse 1: Huey, Black Males, Police]
(N***a Moment)
N***a 1: Watch where you walking n***a
N***a 2: A-aye! What you say n***a?
(Huey)
Watch closely, you're about to experience a n***a moment
Webster defines the n***a moment as a moment when ignorance
Overwhelms the mind of an otherwise logical negro male
(Back to N***a Moment)
N***a 1: What did you say bitch n***a?
N***a 2: Aye, squeeze it n***a!
(Back to Huey)
Causing them to act in an illogical
Self-destructive manner, I.E
Like a n***a
N***a moments are un-predictable
(Back To N***a Moment)
N***a 2: Aye wait man wait, this is stupid
N***a 1: Aye, you right dog, look
Let's put the guns away and go on about our business
Police: FREEZE! (gunshots)
(Back To Huey)
But they all end up bad
If they had their own category
N***a moments would be the 3rd leading killer of black men behind
Pork-chops and F.E.M.A
It's a fact
[Verse 2: Huey, White Man,Black Man]
(Huey)
Now let's see, how a n***a moment affects a white man
(N***a Moment)
White Man: Ugh, Prick
Black Man: Watch where you walking, Bitch!
White Man: What did you-
Wait a minute, I'm White!
Black Man: Where you going! Don't ignore me!
This is a perfectly good moment to throw your life away!
(Back to Huey)
A big misconception about the n***a moment
Is that it can be avoided by simply moving away from n***as
If only it were that easy
See, n***as always got a new trick right around the corner
[Granddad]
Listen up boys, I’m about to sing the new shoe song. New shoes, new shoes. Boy, Nike makes some good shoes. Hoo!
[Colonel H. Stinkbeaner aka Blind Man]
Ava Maria. [Crashes]
[Narrator]
Every n***a moment begins with the n***a. Without that key element, all you’re left with is peace and quiet. Colonel H. Stinkmeaner is and always has been a cantankerous, ornery old man. He spent his childhood disagreeing with most things, especially things involving happiness, unity, and kindness. Stinkbeaner got no pleasure seeing sunsets and trees, dolphins or rainbows
[Colonel H. Stinkmeaner]
Man, this some ol’ bullshit
[Narrator]
So, he didn’t particularly mind when at age 15, he lost his sight to cancer
[Colonel H. Stinkmeaner]
At least I don’t have to look at your ugly ass no more
[Narrator]
Doctors gave him 3 years to live, so he dedicated those 3 years to spreading a life time of misery and hatred. Nobody knows how Stinkbeaner managed to live so long. He believed it was his love of hatred that kept him going
[Colonel H. Stinkmeaner]
Who in the hell parked in my space? That’ like calling 1-800-COLLECT-AN-ASS-WHOOPING! And no—that ain’t no toll-free call, partna!
[Granddad]
You hit my car! Are you blind?
[Colonel H. Stinkbeaner]
Yes…I…am! So?
[Granddad]
Wait, you’re blind?
[Stinkbeaner]
Yes…Blind! You got a problem with that n***a?
[Narrator]
You could have killed somebody!
[Stinkbeaner]
Eh, I’d be doing them a favor! Getting run over by me is as close to a honorable death as most of these people gonna get. Someday, I’m quite the humanitarian. I think I hit a wheelchair on the way here
[Granddad]
Oh, look what you did to Dorothy. You better have insurance
[Stinkbeaner]
N***a! You better have insurance! Ass-whooping insurance! And you about to pay a deductible!
[Narrator]
And just like that, my granddad was trapped in a n***a moment. At this point, he can a) walk away and let insurance handle the car, and B) fight with a dumb, crazy, blind n***a
Let’s see which one he chooses
[Stinkbeaner]
That’s right! I’m backed into your car n***a. What you gonna do? What you gonna do?
[Riley]
Oh hell naw! Granddad, let’s whoop this n***a’s ass right now!
[Stinkbeaner]
Bitch ass, faggot ass, punk ass, pussy ass, bitch ass n***a! You want to do something, bitch ass n***a? Hold up, I smell new shoes. [Steps on granddad’s shoes]
[Narrator]
I’ve said it before—expensive sneakers are like $150 land mines. Step on one, and boom! A perfectly rational black man can explode
[Stinkbeaner]
Yeah! They ain’t new any more, are they? N***a!
[Riley]
Hit him granddad!
[Granddad lunges at Stinkbeaner and misses; Stinkbeaner hits Granddad]
[Granddad]
My bad knee! Oh, la dee la dee do. My bad knee!
[Riley]
There goes all your pimp status!
[Narrator]
This fight is over
[Granddad]
I hate this damn song
[Riley]
I can’t believe you got your ass kicked by a blind man, granddad!
[Granddad]
My knee went out! You know I got a bad knee
[Riley]
Bad knee! That n***a had bad eyes, he couldn’t see granddad! He beat you like a piñata! Yo, we can rent Granddad out for Mexican birthday parties! We can call him, Senor Piñata! Hola, Senor Pinata!
[Granddad]
Stop it boy, stop it! Where’s my belt?
[Riley]
I must be blind too, cause I sure didn’t see that ass-whooping coming! Yo, how bad you got to time your punches for a blind n***a to see you coming granddad?
[Narrator]
Riley, the man obviously had a heightened sense of hearing!
[Riley]
Oh I thought granddad had a heightened sense of falling!
[Granddad]
Now that’s enough! Now you can stop laughing at your granddaddy! It ain’t that, what’s wrong with you?
[Riley]
Yo, Granddad had “hit me” written on his forehead in Braille!
[Granddad]
I said, that’s enough!
[Riley]
What you gonna do, beat me? Maybe I should get a blindfold first! Okay, I’m ready. Wait! Maybe he gon’ fall on me. Granddad, Rodney King just called and said, “Damn, I thought I got my ass whooped!” [Gets kicked] Ow!
[Dream sequence]
[Narrator]
One night, I dreamt of a blind swordsman. He knows my every move, yet he cannot see. As my mind fights to make sense of the impossible, he is turning my sight into a liability. He has no just cause to want my life. There is no forethought, no logic in his actions. This isn’t just any swordsman. This is the blind n***a samurai
[Blind N***a Samurai]
What’s good, n***a! What’s really good!
[Wakes up]
[Narrator]
N***as. A n***a moment isn’t necessarily over when you think it’s over. It kind of hangs around like an unpaid bill
[News Anchor]
And in the case of the blind beating the dumb: security cameras from the Woodcrest Square Mall captured a fight between a blind old man and an unidentified assailant following a parking dispute
[Narrator]
It’s just local news
[News Anchor]
CNN has now confirmed that it was this man, Robert Jebediah Freeman, who got beat up by a significantly older, significantly blinder gentleman. Police aren’t pressing charges against Mr. Freeman; they say that ass-whooping was punishment enough. We at CNN agree
[Narrator]
Granddad, I don’t think you should watch this anymore
[Spanish news]
Senor Pinada!
[Narrator]
Granddad, you gotta ask yourself, would you really be better off if you were beating up a blind old man in the street? It was a n***a moment, Granddad. You gotta let it go
[Granddad]
Maybe you’re right
[Answering Machine]
You have reached the Freeman residence. If this is a lovely cutie pie, please leave a message. Everybody else just hang up right now because I’m not interested!
[Voice on Phone]
Hello Robert, pick up the phone. Pick up the phone, I know you there hiding. I seen you on the news getting your black ass whooped by that blind old monkey. That’s why they should have let n***as go shopping. Call me back. Don’t you walk away from this answering machine!
[Narrator]
Granddad just let it die! I promise you nobody’s gonna call you a punk
[Riley]
I will!
[Narrator]
Well, Riley will. Granddad!
[Granddad leaves; he confronts the blind man and agrees to fight him]
I can’t believe Granddad went back to fight that man!
[Riley]
Here it goes! Oh!
[Rappers beat up each other on television]
Alright wait, watch! Here it goes! You ever notice whenever someone throws a chair, a brawl breaks out?
[Narrator]
Aren’t you worried about Granddad?
[Riley]
Look…you want to see it again? I don’t think you even have to hit nobody with a chair! And n***as would still start wildin’ out!
[Granddad comes home]
[Narrator]
Well, you don’t look hurt
[Granddad[
Two weeks
[Riley]
Good for you! A rematch in two weeks! This’ll be great! Hey—we might be able to make some money off this! The slugfest in Woodcrest! Yeah!
[Granddad]
You don’t understand, boy. I have to do this
[Narrator]
Follow me. I want you to see what you’re up against
[Turns on TV]
Your enemy is San-Luigi, the blind swordsman. His ears give him information than all your senses put together. If you underestimate him, he will kill you. You must train
[Granddad]
I won’t fail you. I’m not afraid
[Narrator]
Oh, you will be. You will be
[Granddad trains]
[Spectator]
Eh, between me and you, your granddady shouldn’t be too worried. Everybody knows n***as can’t fight
[Narrator]
I’m sorry?
[Spectator]
You heard me n***a, n***as can’t fight. They don’t possess the strength or character or the mental quickness to be a great fighter. That’s why all the best fighters in the world have always been white men. Jack Dempsey, Rocky Marciano, Sylvester Stallone, and don’t forget Ralph Machio. Name me one great black heavyweight fighter, name one, go ahead, try, name one! See now you can’t do it. What what what? Oh what? You want to pull Ali out of your ass? That’s what you thinking about? Muhammed Ali? Well if that n***a so tough then why he didn’t go to Vietnam. I tell you why, cause he was scared, that’s why! Shit, no Vietnamese ever call me “n***a.” I call him a n***a each time before I have breakfast. Now what he gonna do? Hold on, I’ll make it nice! N***a!
[Fighter]
I don’t understand why I’m blindfolded
[Narrator]
Because, the enemy cannot see
[Fighter]
But see, the thing is, I don’t have super hearing, so I don’t get why I’m—
[Narrator]
Fight!
[Granddad strikes Fighter]
[Fighter]
Ow! Stop!
[Narrator]
Word got out that my granddad was training for a rematch, and it quickly became the talk of the town
[Granddad trains]
What was that? An exhibition? You need emotional content. Now, try again
[Granddad kicks tree]
[Granddad]
Damn! That hurt! Damn it boy!
[Spectator]
Everybody knows n***a climb trees, not kick em!
[Narrator]
Riley had the brilliant idea to take advance orders for the DVD release of the fight, and take a little action on the side. He hired a street team to create the necessary hype. The fight had a huge turnout. It seems like watching n***as act stupid is becoming America’s favorite pastime
[Riley]
Ay listen up! Imma tell y’all one more time! This fight ain’t starting until I get 10 dollars from all y’all. Ay you! Nah n***a, I didn’t get yours yet! Give me that!
[Narrator]
That’s the difference between private n***a moments and public n***a moments. A private n***a moment shames you. A public n***a moment shames the whole race
[Granddad]
Oh this is it…I’m a kick some ass now
[Narrator]
Granddad, the only way to win is not to fight
[Man]
That’s right, Robert. No one’s gonna call you a “fruityboy” or a “pansy pants” if you don’t do this
[Riley]
I will
[Man]
Right—well, Riley will
[Blind man]
You scared? Yeah, you scared, ain’t you bitch n***a? I can smell the bitch in you! [Sniffs] Ooh, that’s vintage bitch! You must have alzheimer’s old man! You already forgot that ass whooping! Uh oh!
[Narrator]
And as I watched Stinkbeaner move blindly around the arena, I had a terrifying realization: he wasn’t a trained swordsman, and he didn’t have super-hearing. He was a blind old man who had gotten lucky. Granddad! Wait no, stop!
[Granddad beats up and kills old man]
[Narrator]
You know, we could all be reading a book right now
[Riley]
Dang, Granddad you didn’t have to kill him!
[Narrator]
And so, granddad emerged from the n***a moment victorious
[Spectator]
Congratulations, Robert! I told you that n***a couldn’t fight! Whoo! Good going
[Crowd]
Give me my money back! I want my money now!
[Riley throws chair]
[Crowd fights]
[Riley]
N***as
[Narrator]
As he contemplated spending the remainder of his natural life in prison, Granddad never stopped to realize that he had gotten the respect he so desperately wanted
[Prisoner 1]
Yo that mug killed a blind old man with his bare hands!
[Prisoner 2]
Now that’s gangsta
[Cop]
Robert Jebediah Freeman?
[Narrator]
Tom and I had gotten a fight license by the state boxing commission at the last minute, legally indemnifying against Stinkbeaner’s death. But he was still pretty shook up the whole thing. Colonel Stinkbeaner had no family and no friends. He lived a life without love and companionship or even pets. He was a horrible, awful human being and in truth, the world was better off with him dead. Still, he was our brother
[Granddad]
Forgive us for taking this man’s life
[Riley]
Why you say us? You killed him
[Grandad]
Shut your ass and pray, boy
