[Riley]
People call me The Fund-raiser
They call me that 'cause that's what I do
I raise funds
I get my money up
The first rule of fundraising is don't give nothing to nobody
Period
No charities, no homeless people, Salvation Army, Red Cross, starving Africans, nothing

[Homeless Man]
Hey, brother

[Riley]
You can't be raising funds and giving funds away at the same time
That's like getting high on your own supply
I always had the drive to make money
And the plan
I knew that if I studied enough gangster movies, I'd know everything I need to know to take over the streets

[Grandad]
Jesus, boy
Look at you
All you do is lay around here and watch TV and eat my food and breathe my air
Just as lazy as you can be
Go out and do something
[Riley]
What am I supposed to do? I ain't got no money

[Grandad]
Well, try getting up off your ass and cleaning up my living room
You're lucky President Obama is not here to see this
You're lazy
You need a hobby or something

[Riley]
Give me an allowance and I'll find a good hobby

[Grandad]
Allowance? I allow you to live here
I allow you to eat my food
I allow you to burn up my electricity

[Riley]
I mean a money allowance

[Grandad]
Well, how about this? Trash is starting to stink and guess what? You allowed to take it out

[Riley]
I was a loser
I might as well have been dead
[Jazmine]
Hi, Riley

[Riley]
Yeah, whatever

[Grandad]
Oh
Well, hello, little baby

[Jazmine]
Hey, Mr. Freeman
Would you like to buy some candy to help keep kids away from gangs and guns?

[Grandad]
Heck, no
I'm a fan of gangs and guns
I got some gangs and guns inside right now, you want some?

[Jazmine]
Ha-ha. Mr. Freeman

[Grandad]
I'd love some candy
I'll take a whole box
[Riley]
Granddad

[Grandad]
Shut the hell up
Mind your business

[Jazmine]
Thank you, Mr. Freeman

[Grandad]
Okay, little baby
Be good, now

[Riley]
Hey, what you just sell my granddad?

[Jazmine]
Candy bars for the school fundraiser, silly
Aren't you doing it? The fundraiser

[Riley]
I had to think back 'cause I wasn't paying attention the first time

[Riley's Teacher]
That's right, kids
It's time for World's Ultimate Chocolates annual candy sale fundraiser
I've got mine and I can't wait to get out there and sell, sell, sell

[Riley]
Then I remember why I forgot
The World's Ultimate Chocolates fundraiser is basically like selling crack on consignment, except you don't even get no money
How they gonna disrespect the game like that?

[Riley's Teacher]
If you raise $500, you can win a Hannah Montana lenticular key ring
If you raise $1300 you'll receive a Jonas Brothers toothbrush
And 5000 and you can have this beautiful Chronicles of Narnia iPod case
All right, who's ready to sell some candy?

[Riley]
Aw, man, you doing that?
You don't even get to keep none of the money

[Jazmine]
Yeah, but I've sold $4000 of candy so far, which means I'm only $1000 away from that iPod case

[Riley]
Damn
And that's when it hit me
The best idea I ever had in my entire life

[Huey]
That's the worst idea you ever had in your entire life

[Riley]
You just mad you didn't think of it

[Huey]
You want to start a fundraiser with no cause?

[Riley]
Cause, n***a?
I'm the cause
'Cause I wanna a house
'Cause I wanna a yacht
'Cause I wanna get this guap, n***a
That's the cause

[Huey]
You watch a lot of gangster movies, right?

[Riley]
I seen all of them
That's how I know what to do

[Huey]
Okay, how many of them have a happy ending?

[Riley]
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Okay, but see, that's how I know it's gonna work, right?
'Cause I seen all the mistakes they made, and I'm not gonna make them same mistakes
See, I'm gonna do everything the smart way

[Huey]
Riley
I'm gonna to tell you everything that's about to happen if you do this, and how bad this is gonna end
First of all

[Riley]
Aw, stop right there
Every time I wanna do something, you tell me what's gonna happen first, and then that's what happen
And you always ruin the endings of stuff, man
I'm sick of it
I wanna be surprised this time

[Huey]
So no matter how bad it is, you don't wanna hear it?

[Riley]
Nope

[Huey]
Cause it's really bad

[Riley]
Hey
Spoiler alert, n***a
Didn't you hear me? Keep it to yourself

[Huey]
Here
Good luck

[Riley]
Thanks
That still kind of spoiled it, though

The second rule of fundraising is that fundraising is not illegal
See, that's 'cause you not technically stealing from people
They give you the money
So maybe you lie about what you gonna do with it
But you never actually take they money from 'em
And that's why it's legal

Jazmine and Phil were the top candy sellers in the class
If I was gonna take over the candy game, I'd need they help

[Jazmine]
Who are we raising the money for?

[Riley]
A good cause

[Jazmine]
What cause?

[Riley]
Uh, a bunch of causes
All of them
Gangs, guns
Uh, all that good stuff

[Jazmine]
Something that helps animals?

[Riley]
Yeah, sure
Whatever
We'll keep gangs and guns away from animals

[Phil]
I- I don't know
I still think the school would be really mad

[Riley]
Okay, I didn't wanna tell you this, World's Ultimate Chocolates they secretly funded by the Ku Klux Klan
And al Qaeda

[Jazmine]
What do you think?

[Riley]
"Young Reezy's Fun-Raiser."
I like it
Sounds like, you know, some of that positive bullshit that people eat up

Since I came up with the idea, Jazmine and Phil had to provide the startup money for the business

[Jazmine]
This is our candy money, we need to get this back, Riley

[Riley]
Why you guys so worried?

[Phil]
You're wearing a bulletproof vest

[Riley]
Cindy MacPhearson, a.k.a. C-Murder
She had the whole Girl Scout cookie game on lock

[Girl]
What up, Cindy?
I just seen this kid over there, right over there around the corner over there
And I know she ain't down with your team

[Cindy]
Who?

[Girl]
I don't know
Some skinny big-headed bitch

[Cindy]
Word? Come on

[Riley]
She wasn't like Jazmine and Phil
Cindy was a G

[Cindy]
What you think you're doing here?

[Girl 2]
You talking to me?

[Cindy]
Yeah, I'm talking to you
Open your bag
What's in your bag?

[Girl 2]
Ow

[Cindy]
I'll kill you, bitch

[Girls]
Get her, Cindy

[Cindy]
Come here
Come here

[Riley]
But what I really liked about her was that she had less compassion than the average girl

[Cindy]
Take off, bitch

[Girls]
Yeah, take off
Run away, baby

[Riley]
Hey, how's the cookie hustle?

[Cindy]
It's cool
You want a box?

[Riley]
Nah, I don't give
You get to keep any of that cookie money?

[Cindy]
I wish
I'll move up in the Girl Scout ranks, get awards and whatnot
But no cash

[Riley]
I got a business proposal for you
There's a lot of bars I need to move

[Cindy]
You're not talking about that stupid school candy fundraiser
You know that's for suckers, right?

[Riley]
Do I looks like a sucker?
When you ready to make some real dough, holler at me
Get it?
Dough, cookies?

We had everything we needed to look like a legit company
Website, labels, and lots and lots of candy

[Parent 1]
Sorry kids, tapped out
Someone just came through selling chocolate

[Parent 2]
Oh, I'm so sorry
I just bought some from little Timothy

[Parent 3]
Ugh, if I see another bar of chocolate I'm gonna be sick

[Grandad]
Hey, boy
How's the candy business?

[Riley]
Terrible
We couldn't move nothing
The streets are flooded with chocolate from the school fundraiser


[Grandad]
Well, I just wanted to say I'm proud of you

[Riley]
Thanks, Granddad
You wanna buy some candy?

[Grandad]
Hell, no
You must be out of your damn mind
Now, get that out of here

[Cindy]
See, we need to make it where they ain't no competition
We need to move on them
Push them out street by street, block by block
That's what Beanie Sigel would do

[Jazmine]
Why don't we just get the kids at school to work for us instead of the school?

[Riley]
How?

[Cindy]
We'll walk up to them and say, "Hey," and they say
"What?"
And then we say, "This is our block
Now, you gonna get down, or you gonna lay down?"
And if they be like, "Uh Uh, I don't know, let me think about it,"
We pull out the roscoe and we be like:
And they be like, "Ugh, you shot me,"
And we be like, "Take that, faggots

[Jazmine]
"We could offer them a better deal, like better prizes or something

[Cindy]
That's not what Beans would do
Beans would go to war

[Riley]
Cindy's right
Beans would go to war
But war is bad for business
We'll do better than stupid prizes
Put the word out
You sell for us, we'll pay you
Cash

That brings us to the third rule of fundraising
You gotta pay the cost of doing business

[Jeff]
Hey, Riley
Yeah? I heard that you're selling candy for a different fundraising company
One that pays kids cash

[Riley]
Maybe
Why should I tell you?

[Jeff]
Aw, come on, man
I've been busting my ass selling candy for months and all I've gotten is this stupid key ring

[Riley]
It's called Young Reezy's Fun-Raisers, but I don't think it's for you, Jeff
They only want hustlers
People who'll do anything to gets that sale and make that money
A lot of people can't handle that fast lifestyle

[Jeff]
I swear I can handle it

[Riley]
When they called me to the office I already knew what it was for
By now they had figured out we had knocked off over half the students in the school

[Receptionit]
He's waiting for you

[Riley]
Nobody say nothing

[Principle]
Is it true that you're soliciting students to work for a different, competing fundraiser?
This, uh, Young Reezy's Fun-Raiser company?

[Riley]
They put the fun in fundraising

[Principle]
That is completely unacceptable
You will stop at once

[Riley]
I don't think so
We already have permission slips from half the school's parents, saying that they'll sell candy for us exclusively

[Principle]
I can't believe this
Shame on you

[Riley]
Shame on me?
What, you better than me?
The state puts you in charge of these kids, and you turn around and pimp them out to some second-rate candy racket?
You disgust me

I'm curious, what's your cut?
How much does the school get?
How much is your soul worth?

[Principle]
Five percent

[Riley]
Five percent?
Pfft
All right, fine
I'll match that
Can we go now?

[Principle]
Uh, fair enough
J. Edgar Hoover Elementary likes to see its students giving back to the community

[Riley]
I don't give to nobody
I just pay the cost to do business

[Cindy]
Pussy

[Riley]
This is how the operation worked
Kids signed up to be sellers on our website, and they parents sent the money to a PayPal account
We paid off store owners for they old candy
Once the candy was delivered to the seller, it was time for them to go sell
And, man, did they sell
They sold after school, on weekends, day, night, rain, sleet, whatever
Parents were the best customers
The fundraiser kept their kids occupied and even had them making they own money, but it wasn't just about money
It was about winning
We had parents violating company policy just to get they kids' numbers up
We had grown adults actually risking they jobs by trying to push bars on their co-workers
And it didn't cost me nothing
It was beautiful
Once they finally sold through that candy, they give us the cash, we give them they cut and another box of chocolate bars
And the whole thing starts all over again
We expanded into other neighborhoods
Other schools were happy to take the same deal as Hoover
Soon, we had set up competitions between local schools to see who could raise the most money
And no matter who won, we won

[Jazmine]
Hey, You can't do that
That money is for the animals

[Riley]
Come on, Jazmine, we allowed to spend some of it on ourselves
Call it operating expenses
Don't worry, they gonna be plenty of money left for the animals

[Jazmine]
Are you sure?

[Huey]
How's it going?

[Riley]
Fine
Great
Don't tell me nothing

[Huey]
All right, but you should know that Jazmine is going...

[Riley]
La-la-la-la!
Not listening
I'm not listening

[Alistair Ripley]
Watch out there, Goldilocks
All that chocolate can be bad for your health

[Cindy]
Say what?

[Riley]
The operation needed more space, so we moved to a hotel downtown

[Usher Person]
And this is the Scarface Suite
They're just getting it cleaned up for you

[Riley]
This'll do perfect

[Grandad]
Hey, boy
You got a sec?
It's about your, uh, fundraising
Who exactly are you raising all that money for?
Because Huey said...

[Riley]
I'm sorry to interrupt, Granddad, 'cause I really wanna hear what you have to say
But I got something I want you to see right quick
It's outside
Huey, you can come too

[Grandad]
Aah!
Is that a Gibbs Aquada?

[Riley]
Yeah, yeah
The car that turns into a boat, and then back into a car

[Grandad]
For me?
Oh, I can't believe it
Thank you, boy
Oh, you're the best grandson ever
Way better than that other one

[Riley]
Uh, yeah, you wanted to talk to me about something?

[Grandad]
Uh, nothing
Nothing, mm-mm
Never mind
Oh, I can't believe it
I'm gonna be just like James Bond now
* James Bond, James Bond James Bond, hey *

[Principle]
Riley, we got problems
Big problems

[Riley]
Whoa, whoa, whoa
What's going on?

[Principle]
World's Ultimate Chocolates
They came by my office today
They're mad
I mean, they're really mad

[Riley]
So, what?
I'm supposed to be scared of a bunch of guys who make candy?

[Principle]
Well, they scared me
I mean, I'm done, Riley
I'm I'm out

[Riley]
Well, I was tired of paying your punk ass to do nothing anyway

[Grandad]
You see, uh, Tom all it takes is good, solid grandparenting
Look at him
He's working hard, taking the initiative

[Tom]
Jazmine just bought me a flat screen
And this

[Grandad]
Ooh, that's nice

[Tom]
I know
But it just seems like they're making an awful lot of money

[Huey]
Granddad, you have to try and stop Riley before it's too late

[Grandad]
At least Riley loves his granddaddy enough to buy him stuff
What have you ever bought me, huh?
You need to be more like your brother, and try to make the world a better place for me

[Riley]
World's Ultimate Chocolates started playing rough
The message was clear
They wanted us out
They intimidated our suppliers

[World's Ultimate Chocolates Representative]
Get out of here

[Riley]
The schools

[Kid]
Hey
Everybody

[World's Ultimate Chocolates Representatives]
Hey!
Fucking little shit

[Riley]
Well, almost everybody

[World's Ultimate Chocolates Representative]
Oh!
Me fucking knackers!

Come here

[Kid]
Aah! Help!
Let me go
No, no, no!
Please, no

[Riley]
All right, we just gonna stay cool and keep doing what we doing

[Cindy]
And just ignore all this?

[Riley]
Come on, man
These guys ain't no gangstas, they make chocolate

[Otis Jenkins]
One four-foot long slab of chocolate for Riley Freeman
Sign right here, n***a

[Riley]
Huh? Clear his mouth

[Kid]
Uh, help me
Get me out of here

[Riley]
Who did this?

[Kid]
They said they said they were from World's Ultimate Chocolates
They wanted me to give you a message that this was just the beginning
Oh, God, it was so scary

[Jazmine]
I wanna go home now

[Riley]
What?

[Phil]
Me too
I quit too

[Riley]
Why, 'cause he got dipped in chocolate?
Big deal, he's a kid
That sounds like something most kids would want to have happen
Eat your way out of it, n***a, take a bath
Let's get back to getting this money

[Jazmine]
No way
This is too weird

[Huey]
Granddad, you have to listen
Do not get into that car

[Grandad]
It's a car-boat, thank you very much
Now get out the way
No! No, that's my boat!

[Riley]
You wanna be in this business, you gotta pay the cost of doing business
And when the cost get too high, you get out of business
You always gotta spoil something, huh?
Man
I was going to the hotel to shut down the operation
But I wasn't sure what I had started could be stopped
Huh?

[Homeless Man]
Hey, look, here brother
Can you spare, uh, some money for a starving African?
Hey, you never know when you might need some good karma, now

[Riley]
Don't give nothing to nobody
But I ain't no fundraiser no more

[Homeless Man]
Thank you so very much, brother
Unjambo, and good luck to you

[Alistair Ripley]
Hope you don't mind
We made some tea
Allow me to introduce myself
I'm the bloke you're stealing from
The name's Alister Rigby, but as far as you're concerned I'm Willy Fucking Wonka, and you're taking a shit in my fucking chocolate factory

[Representatives]
Easy boss, don't get upset

[Alistair Ripley]
When I have to go to the dentist, I'm upset
When Liverpool beats Arsenal, I'm upset
But when some little shit decides to take over one of the most profitable territories in the country, I'm beyond fucking upset
I'm very fucking upset
So from now on, you're under new management
You will work for me, and in return, you'll receive an allowance

[Riley]
Allowance?

[Alistair Ripley]
Yes, allowance
As in, I'm allowing you to keep 10 percent, and I'm allowing you to keep drawing breath on this earth
Now, you either get down, or you lay down
What's it gonna be, sunshine?

[Riley]
This wasn't no movie
The smart thing was to say yes, get up, and leave the room
But then I thought to myself, what if this was a movie?

Look
Fuck you
Fuck the plane you flew in on
Fuck them shoes
Fuck those socks with the belt on it
Fuck your gay-ass fairy faggot accent
Fuck them cheap ass cigars
Fuck your yuck-mouth teeth
Fuck your hair-piece
Fuck your chocolate
Fuck Guy Ritchie
Fuck Prince William
Fuck the queen
This is America
My president is black and my Lambo is blue, n***a
Now, get the fuck out my hotel room and if I see you in the street, I'm slapping the shit out of you

[Alistair Ripley]
I think this one's spent too much time at the cinema
Teach this cheeky bastard a lesson

[Mafia Leader]
Nobody fucking move!

[Riley]
Aw Man, This is bad


[Alistair Ripley]
What is this, a casting call for The Sopranos reunion?
Do me a favor, tell room service nobody here ordered the extra-large wop with a side order of wops

[Riley]
Whoa!

[Mafia Boss]
Jesus Christ, I thought he'd never shut up
So you guys are probably wondering why we just kicked in the door and shot your boss here in the face
Well, to be honest, it's tough times out there
Nobody's spending on nothing
No drugs, no whores, no gambling, nothing
Except, apparently, chocolate bars
So consider this a hostile takeover
We got a problem?

[Representatives]
Absolutely not

[Huey, Cindy, Jazmine & Phil]
No

[Mafia Boss]
Okay, have a nice day
Now get the fuck out of here

[FBI]
FBI! FBI!
Drop your weapons!
Nobody move

[Mafia]
Don't do something stupid
Don't make me do it
Oh, man, this is really bad
Whose side are you on?
We paid you off
What are you doing here?
It's our chocolate, motherfucker

[Riley]
How much we got?
What do you mean?
Don't play with me Jazmine, the money
How much money we got?

[Jazmine]
We don't have any money
I donated it

[Riley]
You what?

[Jazmine]
I thought that's what I was supposed to do

[Riley]
You gave away the money?
Who told you to give away the money?

[Jazmine]
That was the point of a fundraiser

[Riley]
No!
Why you do that?

[Jazmine]
You said it was for charity

[Riley]
You never give the money away
Oh, God
Who you give the money to?

[PETA]
Hello, PETA

[Riley]
Man, why you didn't tell me she was gonna give away the money?

So here I am
Back to being a nobody
A loser
The thing people ask me most is would I do it again?

[Adult]
Hey, you kids still selling those chocolate bars for charity?