Living Room Scene.

Huey: Here's something black people have know for a couple hundred years, n***as are crazy. Now black people don't like to talk about crazy n***as in public because white people may be listening, but I'm afraid the secret might be out.

TV: Former singer Whitney Houston appeared in court along side husband Bobby Brown, who's facing battery charges for allegedly beating his once respectable wife.

Whitney Houston: Hell to the naw Bobby don't hit me see, we have this TV show, eh-eh and is our TV show, and I was tryna get a lil bit more time on it and

Bobby Brown: It's my show bitch! [Hits her].

Grandad: You know, I think they're on drugs. Let's see what's on BET.
Oh, Lordy-Lord. Oh, shake it to the right. Mm. Shake it, shake it, shake. You boys cover your eyes. Shake, shake, shake. They move them butt cheeks: Gotta to leave something to the imagination. That's just showin' too much booty.

[Changes Channel]

Tv: And on our "Talking Points" this evening, it seems like the hip-hop community is trading in their gold chains for gold showers. Hip-hop singer R. Kelly is on trial again this week for sharing some of his liquid bling with yet another underage girl. Some advice for Mr.
Kelly: Next time, use a golden shower curtain and keep your golden showers to yourself.

Grandad: What's wrong with a man giving away a golden shower? Sounds like a nice gift to me. What? Shoot, I wish somebody gave me a golden shower. One, I like gold. Two, I like showers. Put it together, hey, that sound like the life.

Riley: Hoo! If you're good, Santa Claus might give you a golden shower for Christmas.

Grandad: Christmas? My man Santa!

Riley: Granddad, can you take us into the city tomorrow to watch the R. Kelly trial?
Grandad: Hell, no, but you can walk.

Riley: It's 40 miles.

Grandad: All the money I spent on them damn nikes! You better just do it.

TV: Assistant district attorney Thomas Dubois is leading the prosecution of Kelly and has a mountain of evidence against the famous r&b performer, including a videotape allegedly showing Kelly peeing on a 14-year-old girl, which is widely available for download ..

Riley: Ooh.

TV: At Www.freetopee.com.

Riley: I'm gonna go, uh, check my e-mail... Yeah...

Grandad: Get your little short ass back here.

New Scene Outside

Dubois: Hey, boys. Hey, there, Huey, Riley. I couldn't help but notice your sign, and I hope you boys aren't too upset about me having to prosecute mr. Kelly.

Huey: Hey, man, you do what you got to do.

Riley: Why R. Kelly, huh? What did R. Kelly do to you?

Dubois: He's accused of relieving himself on an under-aged girl on tape, which is against the law.
Riley: Ok, ok, ok, but let's examine this whole peeing thing. So I can pee in a toilet, and it's ok, but if I pee on a person, it's, like, not ok?

Dubois: Well, yeah.

Riley: Well, what if I'm peeing and Huey's in the bathroom and I accidentally pee on Huey? Should I go to jail?

Huey: What the hell would I be doing in the bathroom while you're in the bathroom?

Riley: Hold up, hold up.Remember when we used to sleep in the same bed when we was littler? From time to time, I'd have a little accident.

Huey: You still do.

Riley: Shut up! So, Mr. Dubois, why you want to lock n***as up for peeing, what's the statute of limitations on bed-wetting? Why not prosecute me and R. Kelly at the same time, huh?

Dubois: Now, Riley, no one's going to prosecute you for bed-wetting.

Riley: And ydn't! It's a natural bodily function, and now every n***a in the world gonna be scared to pee. I may never pee again!

Dubois: Riley, it was a little girl.

Riley: Oh, I seen that girl. She ain't little. I'm little.

Dubois: Yes.

Riley: Gary Coleman's little.
Dubois: Yes.

Riley: Mini-me is little.

Dubois: Very.

Riley: And to the best of my knowledge, we all managed to avoid getting peed on so far.

Dubois: But what about the victim?

Riley: Oh, yes, the victim! At what point does personal responsibility become a factor in this equation?

Dubois: I don't think that's--

Riley: I see piss coming, I move.

Huey: mmm

Riley: She saw piss coming, she stayed.

Dubois: Yes, she did, but--

Riley: And why should I have to miss out on the next R. Kelly album !

Huey: Man, you just got beat by an 8-year-old.

Riley: Kelly goes to jail, I'll piss on your cat!


Scene in Park

Uncle: I tell you, it sure is beautiful out here. White folks sure know how to make some nice foliage.

Grandad: Aw, come on, Ruckus, You can't give the white man credit for the trees.

Uncle: Where them two little nappy-headed grandkids of yours?

Grandad: Eh, they went into the city to watch the trial of that singer.

Uncle: Oh, right, right, that black sunabitch that's supposed to have had urinal relations with that underaged colored gal.

Grandad: Didn't Jerry Lee Lewis marry a 14-year-old baby?

Uncle: You can't compare a chocolate Kelly to Jerry Lee Lewis. Jerry Lee Lewis is the king of rock'n'roll! Great balls of fire! Besides, that situation was different: that was family.

Scene outside Courthouse.

Reporter: We're at the R Kelly trial, where there are a handful of angry protesters making their voices heard. These are scholars, activists, pillars of the African-American community, and they are outraged. And we're just going to head Kelly supporters, where it's quite the festive event. And you are--

Female Protester: Hi!

Reporter: Now why did you come out here to support R. Kelly?

Female Protester: 'Cause he good.

Reporter: And what about those protesters over there, who say he's crossed the line?

Female Protester: Man fuck them literal-ass, uppity n***as. All they talk about is reading and eating right. Nobody want to hear all that shit. If I want to get high blood pressure, then--n***a, get that carrot away from me! If I want to get high blood pressure, then, damn it, that's my business!

Reporter: Let's talk to another R. Kelly supporter. You there, urban youth, why do you think R. Kelly is innocent?

Riley: If I started peeing on you right now, would you a) smile and ask for more or b) move the hell out the way? But before you answer that, let me ask America--has pee ever really hurt anybody? And I want to give a big shout-out to my homey devo!

Huey: Ok, that's enough. Oof.

Riley: Get off me!Get off me, Huey! Free R. Kelly!

Random Protester: Hey, yo, yo, yo, look! Kelly haters are oppressing that little boy!

Riley: Free R Kelly!

Protesters: we know what we talking about.
You want a piece of me?
Come on, baby.
Aah!
I got something for you!
Hoo-hoo! Come on!

Reporter: I knew it would be just a matter of time before violence broke out.
It's pandemonium here at the R. Kelly trial! Oh, the humanity! Aah!

[Hip-hop music playing] Reporter: Mr. Kelly, do you have a statement?

R. Kelly: This is truly an example of black people sticking together. In the words of sister souljah, "an injustice anywhere is an injustice... anywhere. " amen.

[Cheering]

Scene in Park.

Grandad: What'd Simpson say to Kobe after his case was over?

Uncle: What's that?

Grandad: Don't let this whole trial thing turn you off the white " ha ha ha!

Uncle: Ha ha ha! That's funny on so many levels, but I just wish they would let me on that jury, boy. Thank god for the white man's code of law. It's the only way to keep these crazy niggers under control. Well, that and pepper spray. You know, I sat on a jury one time.

Gd: Really?

Uncle: Oh, yeah. It was in 1957, back in Tennessee. Now the defendant was accused of shooting 3 little white women with a Winchester rifle from about 50 yards away. See, now he thought he was gonna get off with that old "i'm blind" excuse, but, oh, boy, he had another thing coming.

[Flashback]
Judge: The jury will now go off and deliberate on--

Younger Uncle: Guilty!That nigger is guilty!

[People gasping] Judge: sir, settle down. You have to go deliberate.

Younger Uncle : I don't need to deliberate. Hang that nigger now! I got the rope right here!

[Return to park Scene]

Uncle: Heh heh! King me.

Court Scene.

Dubois: Ha ha! Lady liberty is on our side. Justice will prevail. The judge and jury will do the right thing. I'm telling you, Huey, it's an open-and-shut case.

Huey: Dubois, are you fully aware the extent to which n***as love R. Kelly?

Dubois: Heh heh heh!Oh, Huey, it's under control. Watch me work. And so, ladies and gentlemen, not only will we prove it is Mr. Kelly in the video. We will prove that the victim was 14 at the time the video was shot.

Judge: Thank you Mr. Dubois. And now, we'll have the opening statement for the defense.

Defense Attorney: The Ancient Greeks, the architects of western civilization, would regularly indulge in sexual activities with children. Were they perverts? In Puritan America, the forefathers of this great land would take wives who were 12 or 13 years old, much younger than the alleged victim. Were they sickos? In Tokyo, you can buy teenage girls' panties in vending machines. Do we call them disgusting? Of course not. What do all those things have to do with Robert Kelly? Nothing. Let's get to the point. Now some people see this so-called mountain of evidence, these videotapes, photographs, eyewitnesses, and dna, and see a guilty man, but some of us can see that mountain of so-called evidence for what it really is--racism.

[Applause]

Park Scene.

Uncle: Who was that n***a got caught with that homely little white gal?

Grandad: Kobe.

Uncle: Right. Now I know exactly what happened to Kobe. Kobe caught that white fever. White fever get in your blood, man, it'll make you crazy. And you know they got them short little skirts nowadays and that uhh... What they call them, the the the tongs?

Grandad: Thongs.

Uncle: Yeah, right, they got the thongs all up the booty crack and they got that sweet white nectar. (he closes his eyes) Oh, Lord have mercy. (he starts sweating) And after that it's over. You wake up and you don't even know what you done done. Just a pool of sweat around your ankles and a deep sense of satisfaction. (he starts to wipe the sweat from his brow) Give me a minute, Robert.

Grandad: You look like you need to take five.

Uncle: mm-hmm, yeah, sure.

Court Scene

Dubois: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I present to you the R. Kelly tape.

Riley: I already seen it.

Dubois: I warn you--it is graphic.

[noises of disgust]

Attorney: Objection! We can't even see his face clearly.

[Face appears on tape.] Ohh!
Spectator: Oh, man, he got freckles and everything.

Attorney: That proves nothing!
[Telephone rings on tape, R. Kelly answers]:
Hello. Yes, this is Robert Kelly. Yes, the singer. You want my social security number? Sure. It's 916-34-7865. Ok. God bless.

Dubois: Now, young lady, I know this might be hard to talk about.

Statutory Rape Victim: No, it's cool.

Dubois: How old were you when you were seeing Mr. Kelly?

Victim: Um, 14 1/4.

Dubois: Wow. That's a great age, isn't it? Still learning so much about the world?

Victim: Whatever. I guess.

Dubois: Could you describe the events leading up to the shooting of the video.

Victim: Yeah. He asked if he could pee on me, ' Kelly, the pied piper of r&b.
I been peed on by guys that don't even have record deals. Fuck, if I didn't want to get peed on, I'd just move out the way.

Riley: Ha! I told you!

Judge: Order!

[New Scene, still in Court]

Attorney: Would you describe yourself as an african-american woman?

Victim: N***a, you blind?

Attorney: Heh heh heh, No, I'm not. So it's safe to say that R. Kelly is sexually attracted to black women, right?

Victim: Mm-hmm.

Dubois: Objection! Relevance?

Attorney: Your honor, I'm trying to establish to the court that my client is a proud black man who loves his black sisters, unlike district attorney Dubois, who's married to a white woman!
[People gasping]

Dubois: uh-uh.

Scene in Park.

Uncle: Lord, lord, lord.

Grandad: Now I've listened to your black ass talk all day about how much you can't stand black folks.

Uncle: Ain't two of them in the history of the world that's worth a squirrel fart.

Grandad: Well, how much you love white folks?

Uncle: Best thing the good lord ever did for the planet earth.

Grandad: Ruckus, you black as the ace of spades, man.

Uncle: I don't see the need for you to go and insult a man after a game of checkers. We've been reminiscing all day, looking in each other's eyes, acting like we like each other. Now you got to go ahead and remind me of the ailment.

Grandad: Ailment?

Uncle: That's right. You've heard of vitiligo? Shoot, well, I got revitiligo. Every year, my skin just seems to get blacker and darker and blacker and then more darker.

Grandad: Huh!

Uncle: It's the opposite of what Michael Jackson's got. Lucky bastard.

Grandad: Ruckus, how could you possibly love white people so much?

Uncle: It's easy.Have you ever looked at them? White man's just a joy to be around.They smell like lemon juice and pledge furniture cleaner. And look at them. They gave us discipline, jobs, put structure in our lives, took us out the jungle, and what we to do to show our appreciation? We march up and down the street, we vote, carry on. Ingrates.

Grandad: Well, how about this? Game, n***a.

Court Scene.

Attorney: I'm going to show you something they don't want you to see, something that will blow this case wide open. R Kelly's NAACP image award certificate of nomination.

[Jurors gasping] Riley: hey, man, you got his card? He's good.

[R Kelly hands Riley hia business card]

Riley: Did you wash your hands?

Attorney: You think they nominate just anyone for this award?

Random audience member: I got one!

Attorney: You know why he wants to put R. Kelly in jail?

Audience member: Why?

Attorney: Because he's afraid of R. Kelly.

Dubois: Objection.

Judge: Shh! Would you be quiet?

Attorney: I think he's afraid. I think the whole system is afraid of R. Kelly.

Dubois: Your honor, please.

Judge: If you don't shut up.

Attorney: They're afraid because they see the power for good that this man wields through his music. Yes, they don't want R. Kelly to be free because they don't want you to be free, they don't want me to be free! Yes, R. Kelly did urinate on this woman, but america urinated on R. Kelly.

[Cheering] Audience: tell him!

Attorney: And if you let them put this man in jail, america will urinate on each and every one of you! Salam alaikum.

Jury: Wa alaikum salam, brother.

Dubois: Please, people, you saw the tape. The girl testified she was underage. Y-you're not allowed to do that to a little girl! We have a videotape!

Female Juror: Go tell that to your white bitch.

Other Juror: Mm-hmm!

Db: ..... Prosecution rests...

Attorney: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, all that needs to be said is this.

[Plays R&B music] oh, yeah! Ha ha ha!
[Cheers and music]: sticking to me if you move them pieces and we touch fit just like we're meant to be together we're just fly, babe feed your mind and it grows everything just

[Huey stops music]
Huey: Hey! What the hell is wrong with you people? Every famous n***a that gets arrested is not Nelson Mandela! Yes, the government conspires to put a lot of innocent black men in jail on fallacious charges! But R. Kelly is not one of those men!
We all know the n***a can sing! But what happened to standards? What happened to bare minimums? You a fan of R. Kelly? You wanna help R. Kelly? Then get some counseling for R. Kelly! Introduce him to some older women! Hide his camcorder! But don't pretend like the man is a hero! And stop the damn dancing, act like you got some goddamn sense people!

Riley: Boo! Hey, you with the afro. Give it a rest. Beat it. Put the music back on.

[Music]: You're stressing let me explain to you ooh, baby ooh

Scene ends, Huey's voice reflecting on Day's events

Huey: I did battle with ignorance today, and ignorance won.I admit that I'm often vexed at the behavior of my own people. Yeah, vexed is a good word.

Scene, Dubois and wife.

Wife [hugging him]: I told you about messing with them white women.

Huey, resuming: You do what you can to help black folks, and they make you wonder why you even bother.

Park scene.

Uncle: [ asleep at table and snoring] unh! unh!

[Grandad wakes him up and helps take him home.]

Huey, resuming: But they're our people, and we got to love them regardless. One thing for sure, though, can't blame this one on the white man. What am I saying? Of course I can.