(LIZA)
When you're laying awake with a dismal headache
And repose is brood by anxiety
It's hardly surprising if you're agonising
Considering modern society
There are terrible dangers from horrible strangers
Whose every intention is criminal
There are counterfeit healers and ecstasy dealers
Who thrive because policing is minimal
We've got underage nooky and lads playing hooky
Who lurk around corners to mug us
And there proddies and papists and robbers and rapists
With tabs of Rohypnol to drug us
On the streets you take fright at the menacing sight
Of graffiti in French and Cyrillic
Whilst behind curtains drawn, people downloading porn
Are indulging in tastes peadophilic

Though the threats are tremendous, the law won't defend us
And don't even think of resistance
So before it's too late, let us all emigrate
To a very much better existence

Suddenly New Zealand, doesn't seem so boring
Suddenly New Zealand, seems attractively remote
Lots of sheep and lambs
And sheep and lambs
And sheep and lambs
And sheep and lambs
And sheep and lambs
And sheep and lambs
And sheep and lambs
And the occasional goat
(ADELE)
So you're lying in bed and the thoughts in your head
Return to your present condition
A beastly fanatic plans something dramatic
To send us all to perdition
From some part of the globe, comes a chap in robe
In a head dress he looks very nice in
But beneath his Djellaba, this fellow may harbour
A lethal container of ricin
He's so fundamental, he hasn't seen Yentl
And preaches demonic Ptolemic
He wants each infidel to descend into hell
With a case of bubonic systemic
In his safe sleeper cell, he blends in very well
With his suitably quiet demeanour
Whilst he's learning to fly, he's living close by
In a bed-sit above your drycleaner

We know what we must do, for the world that we knew
Is vanishing like the poor dodo
There's a good life to be had, away from the Jihad
As neighbours of Bilbo and Frodo

Suddenly New Zealand, doesn't seem so boring
Suddenly New Zealand, seems attractively remote
Lots of sheep and lambs
And sheep and lambs
And sheep and lambs
And sheep and lambs
And sheep and lambs
And sheep and lambs
And sheep and lambs
And the occasional goat
While you lay there wide eyed as you try to decide
Which of all the worlds problems is scarier
The refugee crisis, the horror of ISIS
The wars in the middle east area
Or Erdogan who, after crushing the coup
Has found a new ally in Putin
A sinister twosome, the prospect is gruesome
Who knows where they'll next put the boot in
Ukraine fairly trembles as Russia dissembles
While massing its tanks on the border
Further east there's unease, in the South China Seas
Which might add to the global disorder
Don't forget North Korea, we have no idea
When its missiles likely explode
And if Trump comes to power, it'll be our last hour
As he'll every nuclear code

It's unbearable knowing, the far-right is growing
Evoking a grim deja vu
If you're outside the norm, or refuse to conform
Rest assured, they'll be coming for you

GET OFF MY PIANO!

(Dillie Continues to sing during Liza's tirade)
Suddenly New Zealand, doesn't seem so boring
Suddenly New Zealand, seems attractively remote
Lots of sheep and lambs
And sheep and lambs
And sheep and lambs
And sheep and lambs
And sheep and lambs
And sheep and lambs
And sheep and lambs
And the occasional goat
(LIZA'S TIRADE)
I-I-I-I've spent years working on that accompaniment! Years!
Where's my applause?!

*AUDIENCE APPLAUDS*

Thank you, thank you, recognition at last! Well I'll tell you something! I am going to New Zealand! Where they appreciate a sopranos!

(ADELE)
I think I'd better see that she's alright

(DILLIE)
It's just you and me...
Ladies and Gentleman, I don't know about you but I find this a very soothing little chorus. I do. I sometimes sing it to myself when the troubles of the world get too much for me
So, why don't we sing it together?

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

Yes! Would you like to learn it? It's really easy it goes:

Suddenly New Zealand, doesn't seem so boring
Suddenly New Zealand, seems attractively remote
Lots of sheep and lambs
*mumbles incoherently*
And lambs and the occasional goat

Okay? Come on Edinburgh, sing your loftiest!

(Dillie and the AUDIENCE)
Suddenly New Zealand, doesn't seem so boring
Suddenly New Zealand, seems attractively remote
Lots of sheep and lambs
And sheep and lambs
And sheep and lambs
And sheep and lambs
And sheep and lambs
And sheep and lambs
And sheep and lambs
And the occasional goat

God that was bloody marvellous! Well... it was alright. Bit shite really but never mind. I don't have time to do it again, I've got a plane to catch. I am going to New Zealand. So thank you very much for coming ladies and gentleman. You've been just gorgeous!

(FASCINATING AIDA MAKE SHEEP, LAMB & GOAT NOISES)