"And now, and now, and now!
Comes my favorite part. This is the part where I get to expose myself, to... Cleveland
All my hopes, fears, dreams and desires, right here, right now
In this little section
I have been in showbusiness for 10 years and every time I have to go back on the stage I have this dream, that I am trapped in an act, not of my own design
In this act, I demonstrate the kind of performer I might have become, had I not been blessed with brains, talent and gorgeous tits!
Yes indeed Ladies and Germs, in this, in this dream I demonstrate
The kind of preformer I would have become had I only been blessed with gorgeous tits, yes, here they are!
Here thay are, You've read about them in People magazine, they were featured on the cover of Life, October 1st, 1954
3 year old baby with 38 inch chest. That was something to behold! Ahh. Now, the name of the performer that I play in my dream is 'Vicki Eydie'
Vicki Eydie is definitely a lounge act, Vicki Eydie is not the kind performer who goes around singing any old kind of song she wants to sing, you understand!
No, this act, what can I call it? It is a global revue. She does not, of course, travel alone, no. She has hired a once famous, singing trio 'The Dazzling Eat-ettes'
And if I am not mistake, here they come this very mimette
Minute!! Here they come! 'The Dazzling Eat-ettes'
Oh God! Welcome to my nightmare!"

"And now!
The 'Plywood Room' high atop 'Swingos Celebrity Motor Lodge'
In gorgeous downtown 'Seven Hills' is thrilled to present the inevitable song stylings of the internationnally acclaimed
Miss Vicki Eydie! In her internationally acclaimed 'Around the world Revue' entitled 'Around the world in 80 ways!'
And now, he-e-e-ere's Vicki!! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Around the world I've searched for you, I traveled on when hope was gone to keep a rendezvous

Say, I knew somewhere, sometime, somehow, you would look at me and I would see the smile you're smiling now. Ooh! It might have been in County Down, or in New York, or Gay Paris
Or even, London Town. Hey! What difference does it make?
No more will I go all around the world, for I have found my world in, Y-O-U, Hey! Ha! "What difference does it make!?
Jokers, Tokers and Smokers!
How are you tonight!?
Where are you tonight!?
And how does your sign say!?
Have we got a little treat in store for you tonight!
We're gonna take you on a wonderful little trip around this glorious little globe of ours! We feature songs of many colors, and flags of lots of nations
And the first stop on this whirl-wind cavalcade - the exotic Middle East!
With a veritable 'turbular' tune. Here we go, Girls! Ow!
Istanbul was Constantinople
Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople
Been a long time gone, Constantinople
Now it's Turkish delight on a moonlit night

Every gal in Constantinople
Lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople
So if you've got a date in Constantinople
She'll be waiting in Istanbul

Even old New York
Was once New Amsterdam, Hey!
Why they changed it I can't say
People just liked it better that way

Nya, Nya, Nya!
Sing the song Girls!
Nya, nya, nya!
[Repeated]
Sing out, sing out
Nya, nya, nya!...

Wow! So take me back to Constantinople
No, you can't go back to Constantinople
Been a long time gone, Constantinople
Why did Constantinople get the works
That's nobody's business but the Turks'
Hey! "But no time to linger!
No time to linger!
Vicki Eydie gets preposterous on the Bosphorous!
But as I say no time to linger
In the Auderman empire
For I hear by the sound of the
Castanettes, we are off
Off, off, off we are off
Off to Br-r-r-r-r-r-r-azil! a-Br-r-razil. Brazil...
Land of hope, Land of hemp
Hmmmm
I wrote this next musical composition for the festival at 'Piranha Del-Rey'
Unfortunately I did not win that particular festival
Otherwise I would not be here in
Er... Cleveland! Tonight
But makes no, nevermind!
For me, this song sums up the
Essence of the Latin-American experience
See if you don't understand what I mean"It was Fiesta
Tropical moonlight
It was, it was Fiesta
And he held me so tight
I thought, I thought I was dying
But I just had the clap
It was Fiesta
And I had the clap.What to do in Rio
When you can't even pee-o?
I had a bum time
Though it was fiesta
I-I-I-I-I-I-I!When he turned the light down low
He said, "Oh Miss Vickie, I, I want you so."I was a forced, forced to remove myself from his lap
You take care at Fiesta. You beware, beware at Fiesta
Oh there at Fiesta, he will give you the . . .[ Clapping to beat ]Wa-hoo, Hey!"Catchy, huh?
Yeah, I thought you'd enjoy that!
But no time to linger in South America
For I hear by the sound of the slide guitar
That it is time for us to move along
Yes, indeed Ladies and gentlemen
We are on our way, and just in time
For Vicki Eydie's South Sea Adventure!
Ahh, the South Sea's, The South Sea's
Where I found peace, contentment and
Many tropical fruits I had not known before!
Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, Vicki Eydie eats papaya!
We are about to recreatefor you, one the most beautiful
And sensual of all the native rituals for you and
Here are some beautiful and sensual native's right now!"In the south sea island of Tawanga
I let myself go
What a beautiful setting for romancing
And the palms sway too and fro
And the island men are so handsome
They make you really know
What it's like not to be left lonely
As they sing soft and low.If you're cracking up from having lack of shaking up
If you're cracking up from having lack of shaking up
If you're cracking up, why don't you pack it up?
You got to find yourself a crazy kind of loveTwo-Three-Four
Aaaahh-Way
Lack-of-nookies-got-me!
Aaaaahh-Way
Come-on-I-wanna-lay-ya!
Aaaaahh-Way
You got to find yourself a crazy kind of love!They took me down by the waterfall
They showed me their island ways
They gave me beautiful flowers
And pretty good island lays
I forgot about what was right
And I learned what was very bad
But now I am the princess of the island
And they make me feel very glad.If you're cracking up from having lack of shaking up
If you're cracking up from having lack of shaking up
If you're cracking up, why don't you pack it up?
You got to find yourself a crazy kind of love.Two-Three-Four
Aaaahh-Way
Lack-of-nookies-got-me!
Aaaaahh-Way
Come-on-I-wanna-lay-ya!
Aaaaahh-Way
You got to find yourself a crazy kind of love!
That's Right
You got to find yourself a crazy kind of love!
That's Right
You got to find yourself a crazy kind of love!"Here we go!!!
Time to sing along with Vicki Eydie!
Don't you want sing along with Vicki Eydie!? Yeah!
Ok, forget music!
I sing first, then you
Get it?
Got it?
Good!"If you're cracking up from having lack of shacking up!
If you're cracking up from having lack--
God, what a quiet, quiet little group
What a quiet, tasteful little group!
Now that the lights are on
I see just how quiet and tasteful you really are!
Let's try it again!
Me first
Then you
Real loud!If you're cracking up from having lack of shacking up!
IF YOU'RE CRACKING UP FROM HAVING LACK OF SHACKING UP!
Wonderful!
If you're cracking up from having lack of shacking up!
IF YOU'RE CRACKING UP FROM HAVING LACK OF SHACKING UP!
If you're cracking up...
IF YOU'RE CRACKING UP!
Why don't you pack it up!
WHY DON'T YOU PACK IT UP!
And find yourself a crazy kind of Love!
AND FIND YOURSELF A CRAZY KIND OF LOVE!"Now here comes the hard part
Now, many Caucasians have a lot of diffulty
Wrapping their little mouths around this parts
Because this is real Polynesian, you understand!"Ahh-Way Lack of nookies got me I see it has!
AHH-WAY LACK OF NOOKIES GOT ME!
Next phrase!
Ahh-Way, Come on I want to lay you
AHH-WAY, COME ON I WANT TO LAY YOU!
Excellent! Excellent!
Why much better than we had hoped!"Why, my Goodness me, do you think we can do it up to tempo!?
Do you think you can do it up to tempo!?
[Audience:] YEAH!
Let's go!
Up to tempo for the little Mother-Fucker's!
HERE WE GO!IF YOU'RE CRACKING UP FROM HAVING LACK OF SHACKING UP!
IF YOU'RE CRACKING UP FROM HAVING LACK OF SHACKING UP!
IF YOU'RE CRACKING UP, WHY DON'T YOU PACK IT UP!
YOU GOT TO FIND YOURSELF A CRAZY KIND OF LOVE!TWO-THREE-FOUR!
AAH-WAY!
LACK OF NOOKIE'S GOT ME!
AHH WAY!
COME ON I WANNA LAY YA!
YOU GOTTA FIND YOURSELF A CRAZY KIND OF LOVE!
THAT'S RIGHT
YOU GOTTA FIND YOURSELF A CRAZY KIND OF LOVE!
THAT'S RIGHT
YOU GOTTA FIND YOURSELF A CRAZY KIND OF L-O-O-O-OVE!...You're out of the woods
You're out of the dark
You're out of the night
Step into the sun
Step into the light
Then open your eyes
And love will open, ahhh
Open, ahhh
Open, open, open, open up.Nicky Arnstein!
Nicky Arnstein!
Nicky Arnstein!Hey! Come on along and listen to
The lullaby of Broadway
The hi-de-hi and boopa-doo
The lullaby of Broadway.The band begins to go to town
And everyone goes crazy
You rock-a-bye your baby 'round
'til everything gets hazy
Hush-a-bye, I'm gonna buy you this and that
You hear your daddy sing
Then baby goes home to her flat
To sleep all day.Good night, baby
Good night. Milkman's on his way
Sleep tight, oh, my baby
You sleep tight. Let's call it a day.Listen to, the lullaby
Of ol-gone, you know it's old
Come on along Broadway!
Yeah, brodway, yeah, broadway!
The lulla-lullaby of Bro-o-o-oadway!
Yow!