Oh, human history is a sordid affair
Often I say to myself, "Oh this is horrible
Man's inhumanity to man. It's just awful, it's..."
Oh, why bother?
Why bother, why bother, why bother?

I try to be rosy
I try to be upbeat
Life is real, life is earnest
Sing Polly Wolly doodle all day
I try to look on the bright side of things and yet
When confronted with the truth
I have to say
Why bother?

Maybe I'll get a lift
Why bother?
Maybe I'll get a job
Why bother?
Maybe I'll get a new car
Why bother?
Maybe I'll empty an ashtray
Why bother?

It's so hard to keep your ears clean
Why bother?
There arе millions of wonderful piano players in the world
Listеn to the chump I got
Why bother?

You know, modern painting is supposed to be the panacea for all the ills of modern life
And yet everyone still buys the painting that matches the couch
Why bother?

Do you know that the only museum in Las Vegas is run by Liberace?
Why bother?

France - the country that gave us Renoir, Manet, Monet, Van Gogh, Gauguin - has hailed Jerry Lewis as a genius...
Why bother?

Calvin Klein wears his own jeans
His own underwear
His own cologne
I still wouldn't fuck him
I said "Calvin, why bother?"

I have a star named after me on Hollywood Boulevard
It's under a fire hydrant
Why bother?

I got a new haircut
I have to put a lotta mousse on it to make it look like anything
I got a terrible case of dandruff
My doctor said I was suffering from "mousse abuse"
Why bother?
Dr Ruth...
Why bother?

There are 88 keys on that piano
That motherfucker knows five
Why bother?

Halley's Comet comes once every 76 years
So do I
Why bother?

I fasted for 25 days
I took a high colonic every day
I lost 3 pounds
My Enemist said, "Why bother?"

You ever read the LA Weekly?
You ever notice how many ads for high colonics they have?
Is this town that full of shit?
Why bother?

Is this what T.S. Eliot meant by
"the hollow men"
"the stuffed men"
Or did he only mean...
"Why bother?"