[Intro: Alaska Thunderfuck]
Dear Uber driver
Here's a few things you need to know if
You wanna take this full time woman for a ride

[Verse 1: Willam, Courtney Act & Alaska Thunderfuck]
Hurry don't be late
Meet me at the gate
Try not to hit a bunch of speed bumps
While I beat my face
I'm gonna need my light
My brows are even right?
(No)
Why you watchin' me?
Oi! Eyes on the street
Now don't avert your eyes
I'm 'bout to shave my thighs
And if this tuck gets any looser
You'll see a surprise
Don't play it by the book
Go on it's fine to look
Like what you see?
That's fine have a peek

[Pre-Chorus 1: All & Willam]
You gotta know first of all I ain't no lady
Matter fact, I'm fucking crazy
Bitch you better make that light
Go! Go! What the fuck
[Chorus: All & Courtney Act]
Dear Uber driver
Here's a few things you need to know if
You wanna take this gorgeous lady for a ride
(Um, shouldn't we be taking Lyft?)
Dear Uber driver
Lookin' at me, don't you be so nervous
Bet you never saw a pair of air bags look so fine
(I'm too pretty to die, ahh!)

[Verse 2: Alaska Thunderfuck, Willam & Courtney Act]
After the show tonight
I'll be drunk and high
So while I'm sober take the address of this Grindr guy
Wait while I get him off
You know that's never long
By the way your seats
Need Tide and Febreze

[Pre-Chorus 2: All & Courtney Act]
I already know I'm a queen I ain't no lady
Don't be saying nothing shady
I will read your whole damn life
Listen here you dog ass mole

[Chorus: All, Willam, & Alaska Thunderfuck]
Dear Uber Driver
Here's a few things you need to know if
You wanna take this pretty young thing for a ride
(This isn't a pool get out of my car)
Dear Uber driver
Don't you know you that objects in the mirror
Might be looking bigger than they do when they're inside
(Oh, it's an 8.5 surge)
[Bridge: Courtney Act, Alaska Thunderfuck, & Willam]
We'll be stopping at the red light up ahead
Flash your junk for me and you might get fellatio
I'm not too good to try
Blowing a taxi guy
I'm just a chick
If you don't mind a dick

[Pre-Chorus: All & Willam]
You got to know first of all I ain't no lady
But I'm fresher than a daisy
Wait I wanna flash that guy
(Hey, hey! Look at these)

[Chorus: All & Courtney Act]
Dear Uber driver
Here's a few things you need to know if
You want a business from a special [?]
Dear Uber driver
If you wanna get that five star rating
Get me to the gig
And make sure I arrive alive
(Click it or ticket)

[Outro: All & Willam]
Uber driver
Now you can zip your fly