[A soda tab pops open.]

[spoken]
“Have a Coke on Colson Lin!”

In 1917, what millionaire journalist
Had military-industrial stock portfolios?
In 492 BC, what intercontinental ballistic missile
Could deal from Satan to man
God’s final blow?

Nuclear winter—Armageddon
Dirty bombs—capital’s Heaven
Power outages—Doomsday Clocks
The 22nd century—tick tock, tick tock!

Everything else evolved
Life evolved from cosmic stardust
To macrophages in our immune system
Everything else revolves
Man revolved from spears and arrows
To space stations and military formations
This is your species’ life
This is your species’ glory

Unabashed slavery in the 21st century
I’m a livin’ sign; God ain’t laughin’ anymore
You had one shot at the Moon, and you blew it!
I’m a messianic fulfillment
Babylon ignores
Nuclear benders—Karmageddon
An eye for an eye—Pepsi’s in Heaven
Internet outages—“We all have Glocks!”
The 22nd century—tick tock, tick tock!

Everything else evolved (you’re sicker than lions)
Life evolved from cosmic stardust
To commodores of man’s status systems
Everything else revolves (you’re sicker than dogs)
Man revolved from bone and marrow
To phoenixes in phalanx formations

Everything else evolved (you’re sicker than spiders)
So how will man and war
Inside a Hell-bound 21st century?
Everything else evolved (you’re distrusted by God)
So how will modern warfare
Inside postmodern moral bankruptcy?
This is your species’ life
This is your species’ glory

Remember the day your daughter was born?
She didn’t want to be killed, you know
And I’ll add, “My life wasn’t worth livin’
Because of the way in which my life ended”
You gave your daughter a life
Only to have her know
The hatred of being born in the first place
In suspension, she terrors bein’ born
In suspension, she terrors bein’ born
Would you trade places with her?
Would you inherit, if you could
The silence of her soul’s ancient terror
“I don’t want to experience the human story again
Merely because of how my human world ended”
[spoken]
“So we all know what a ‘Karen’ is, if you’re a white woman and you see yourself as entitled to something-well, there you go. Especially if you’re a white feminist: there’s nothing more Karen than a pussy hat. Obviously if you’re a white man you can be entitled to whatever you want. We don’t have a name for male Karens because the shitty behavior of women grates on us in a way that the shitty behavior of men does not. Everyone hates an asshole. It’s the ‘how dare she?’ part that pushes our impression of an asshole into the territory of transgression, and when we look at men we know exactly how he ‘dares’ (we intuit the penis). Sorry for saying the quiet part out loud.”

[A fridge door opening.]

[spoken]
“Anyway, just as Karens are kind of dim, I want to point out another segment of society that’s a little bit dim, in the name of Wokeness (Immaculate Heart of the Dean of Cultural Studies, have mercy on our souls): graduates of four-year universities convinced that their success in life is the product of some combination of hard work, talent, and intelligence.”

[A soda tab pops open.]

[spoken]
“I propose Jim and Pam.”

[A sip, followed by an exhale.]

[spoken]
“Jim and Pam really, sincerely believe they are where they are in life because we live in a meritocracy. Jim and Pam remember what it was like to stay up all night in high school to finish a problem set for AP Calculus, or how stressful it was to apply to fifteen different colleges with only their Moms to look over their applications for them (Jim and Pam said this word a lot at seventeen: ‘Mooommmm...,’ Jim and Pam love dragging out the short O sound when they say the word ‘mom’). Jim and Pam are gay or else have a lot of gay friends. Jim and Pam voted for Obama twice, spend a lot of time thinking about their carbon footprint, and believe the ugliest three words in the English language to be ‘All Lives Matter.’”

[A burp.]

[spoken]
“Jim and Pam love to throw a few bucks their alma maters’ way every now and then to keep their admissions process need-blind and their admissions brochures black, brown, and yellow. Jim and Pam do not intuit non-profit four-year schools as businesses, although they recoil at for-profit colleges and really think Obama should have done more about DeVry University. Jim and Pam love the undocumented friend they had in college (said ‘hi’ to twice in the dining hall), and love bringing him up whenever the subject of equal opportunity comes up in conversation. Jim and Pam love pointing out the differences between ‘equality of opportunity’ and ‘equality of outcome.’ Jim and Pam’s minds exploded the first time they heard that distinction.”

[A fart.]

[spoken]
“In short Jim and Pam are good little meritocrats. Jim and Pam believe they are where they are in life because of good old-fashioned talent, hard work, and intelligence, with a little bit of luck thrown in there for good measure. Jim and Pam hang out with other Jims and Pams who constantly try to one-up each other by talking about how ‘busy’ they are, how ‘stressed’ they are, how many ‘deadlines’ they’re under, how life just doesn’t stop, the waves just keep coming. Jim and Pam can be of any race. Jim and Pam don’t like to think too hard about all the things that had to come together for their souls to have emerged out of the bodies and circumstances they were born into. Jim and Pam just barely got over believing in God. Jim and Pam don’t like to think too hard about all the things that were and are, and will forever remain, outside of their control.”
[An object plops into water.]

[spoken]
“Jim and Pam pride control.”

[A flush.]

[spoken]
“Jim and Pam are tired now. Jim and Pam don’t like reading Colson’s Facebook posts. Jim and Pam find the Colsons of the world tiresome, exhausting, insufferable. Jim and Pam don’t understand why Colson can’t just put up or shut up. Jim and Pam really like to say things like ‘put up or shut up,’ like it means something.”

[Diarrhea squirting from an anal cavity.]

[spoken]
“Look around. See if you can spot in your news feed a Jim and Pam in your life, and leave a message for them. Tell them: ‘Keep up the good work!’ Jim and Pam love it when people can see that their work is good. They can explain, even if they can’t quite account for, every dollar that goes into their bank account at the end of a work-week. Even if the creation of value and the valuation of labor remains a subject a tad too recondite for Jim and Pam to wrap their pretty little heads around. Jim and Pam like to focus on all the good people their work is helping. Somewhere.”

[Raw fecal spray jet-streams into a horrified mouth.]

[spoken]
“Jim and Pam squint their eyes.”

[A man’s voice, still spitting, dimly: “Fuck.”]

[spoken]
“Somewhere out there, Jim and Pam think, gazing out the window of their air-conditioned offices perched high up there in the skybox of the meritocracy. Jim and Pam have made it. Jim and Pam have the school sweaters and the pride of their labor and the alumni email addresses to show for it. Jim and Pam take their education very, very seriously, and they feel sorry for all the 18- and 22-year-olds who can’t attend their high school and college graduations because of COVID. Jim and Pam feel sorry for a lot of people, actually, and they sincerely don’t know what to do with the fact that these are all people who failed to climb their way up the meritocracy like they did—with nothing but hard work, brains, and determination on their side.”

[A tube force-feeds pus collected from a billion blisters down a sobbing man’s throat.]

[spoken]
“Jim and Pam like thinking about how hard they’ve worked over the years.”

[A human body distends after being force-fed pus.]

[spoken]
“Jim and Pam can’t wait for their ten-year reunion.”

This is your species’ life
This is your species’ glory
You’re sicker than lions
You’re sicker than dogs
You’re sicker than spiders
You’re distrusted by God

Nuclear winter? Armageddon!
Dirty bombs? Capitalism’s in Heaven!
Power outages? Doomsday Clocks!
The 22nd century
Tick tock, tick tock!

Turn war into Lana Del Rey’s first single
A time of stability means
“Ultraviolence” stays a near-miss memory
This is your species’ life
This is your species’ glory
Turn war into Lana Del Rey’s first single
That’s how war evolves
Into non-war
Turn war into “sophisticated chance simulations”
All moral conflicts waged
By deep thinkers
Playin’ history like a Go board

God hates you (you’re sicker than lions!)
Some humans don’t want to be reborn
God doesn’t mind if your story obliterates
None of us even want (you’re sicker than dogs)
To be alive anymore (you’re sicker than spiders)

You’re sicker than lions
You’re sicker than dogs
You’re sicker than spiders
You’re hated by God

You’re sicker than lions
You’re sicker than dogs
You’re sicker than spiders
You’re hated by God

Everything else evolved
So how will man and war
Inside a Hell-bound 21st century?
Everything else evolved
So how will modern warfare
Inside postmodern moral bankruptcy?
This is your species’ life
This is your species’ glory