[Intro]
This ballad is dedicated to the brave men and women
Who triumphantly traverse the treacherous terrain
Who fearlessly face unfathomable foes
Who conquer incalculable chaos
And all for what...
For the glory...
Of VICTORY

[Verse 1]
Recently divorced, I'm a father of one
I have a couple kids but they're both with their mom
Luckily this weekend I got custody of my son
I took that fucker for a ride, cuz he wanted some fun
"Hey daddy, daddy, I wanna go faster!"
I'm sweating my ass off, shut up you little bastard
"I'm telling mom cuz you let me get stabbed"
Just another fun weekend with dad

[Verse 2]
Who's hoppin' over obstacles, smashin' through glass
Bouncin' all around like a Kardashian's ass
Call me Pogo Pete, I'm screamin' YOLO, SKEET
Better clear a path if I'm hoppin' down your street
I'm like a homicidal-kangaroo-jackhammer-man
Old ladies, little babies, doesn't matter where I land
I got a sword in my ass, and this shit hurts
But I always wear a helmet, safety first
[Hook]
My Happy Wheels keep turnin'
I'll be flyin' at the speed of light
How I love the smell of rubber burnin'
Push my limit cuz I'm ready to die

[Verse 3]
Get out of my way, my agenda matters
Ate 5 Big Macs and I've got a full bladder
Cruisin' through Wal-Mart, I'm the quickest
Only obstacle I've got is my diabetes
Keep your distance bitch, haven't showered in years
Runnin' on Doritos and a couple of beers
They say my blood pressure's gonna number my days
You think obesity kills? I say obesity SLAYS

[Verse 4]
That verse was phat, talk about a segue
I ride around on my energy-efficient segway
Meeting at twelve, and I can't be late
I work in HR, and I mediate
Just a day at the office, but it's kind of a drag
My best friends - left hand - and a n***y mag
I love my corporate lifestyle, I'm kinda nerdy
Won't stop this office freak from ridin' dirty
[Hook]
My Happy Wheels are a-rollin'
Even with this harpoon deep in my ass
Love the carnage, body parts are a-bowlin'
I'm hangin' on, my limbs are barely attached
Throw your child in a blender
Laughing as he's dismembered
What's the point of this mutilation
Crash and tumble through gauntlets
Tell me why do we want this
My masochistic jubilation

[Verse 5]
I'll be quick to turn you into mince meat
I'm the sickest lawn mower that you ever did meet
Landscapin' faces, I make it personal
You stood me up on prom night, and I won't be merciful
(BITCH)
Nothin' runs like a Deere, except you
I love the smell of fresh cut grass and death too
I'm armored by fat, don't think that you can kill me
Hope you brought an appetite, I'm makin' human chili

[Verse 6]
I smell like feces and I'm really baldin'
No need for sneakers, I got wheels and rockets
I rock the cosmos like I'm Steven Hawking
Not handicapped, but I don't feel like walkin'
I'm on welfare, cashin' checks
On crack and meth while I'm crackin' heads
Haven't been the same since I got back from 'Nam
Just like Rambo - (If he was a bum!)
[Hook]
My Happy Wheels are spinnin'
Arms and legs and heads keep on flyin' by
Like a monkey through the jungle swingin'
Covered up in blood, and I'm in my prime
It's not bad, just a flesh wound
But I'll probably be dead soon
Someone oughtta take a screenshot of me
I'll go out like a rockstar
Body parts will be long gone
Just as long as I get to Victory

[Outro]