Hey now! Hey!
Hey! Do you know what you are?
You're an asshole! An asshole!

Some of you might not agree
'Cause you probably likes a lot of misery
But think a while and you will see

Broken hearts are for assholes
Broken hearts are for assholes
Are you an asshole?
Broken hearts are for assholes
Are you an asshole too?
Whatcha gonna do, 'cause you're an asshole

No no no, yeah yeah yeah
I said you are an asshole!

Maybe you think you're a lonely guy
Maybe you think you're too tough to cry
So you went to The Grape
Just to give it a try

And Dagmar
(Without a doubt, the ugliest son of a bitch I've ever seen in my life)
Was his name...
One, two, three, four!
The whiskers sticking out from underneath of his
Pancake make-up
(And yet he was a beautiful lady)
Nearly drove you insane
(Let's talk about leather)
And so you kissed a little sailor
Tex Abel, starring in the latest Shepperton Production:
Who had just blew in from Spain
(Sir Richard Pump-A-Loaf)
You sniffed the reeking buns of Angel
(The tale of a demented bread-boffer)
And acted like it was cocaine
(Cucumber pud annexed to a fine whole-wheat loaf)
You were dazzled by the exciting new costume of Ko-Ko
(Then on Tuesday night, Caesar's back in town)
In a way you can't explain
Facing off in a no-holds-barred tag team grudge match
With Kona
And so you worked the wall with Michael
Three-hundred-seventy-nine pounds of Samoan dynamite
Which gave your back an awful strain
(Volcanic Hell)
But you came back on Sunday for the Gong Show
(Next Thursday, teen town's finest...)
But you forgot what I was sayin'
'Cause you're an asshole, you're an asshole
That's right
You're an asshole, you're an asshole
Yes, yes
You're an asshole, you're an asshole
That's right
You're an asshole, you're an asshole

Now you been to The Grape 'n' you been to The Chest
'N' now I think you know what you are: you're an asshole

You say you can't live with what you been through
Well, ladies you can be an asshole too
You might pretend you ain't got one on the bottom of you

But don't fool yerself girl
It's lookin' at you
Don't fool yerself girl
It's winkin' at you
Don't fool yerself girl
It's blinkin' at you
That's why I say

I'm gonna ram it, ram it, ram it
Ram it up yer poop chute
Corn hole
Ram it, ram it, ram it
Ram it up yer poop chute
Fist fuck
Ram it, ram it, ram it
Ram it up yer poop chute
Wristwatch Crisco
Ram it, ram it, ram it
Ram it up yer poop chute
Pud!
Don't fool yerself, girl
It's goin' right up yer poop chute
Don't fool yerself, girl
It's goin' right up yer poop chute
Don't fool yerself, girl
It's goin' right up yer poop chute
Don't fool yerself, girl
It's goin' right up yer poop chute
Don't fool yerself, girl
It's goin' right up yer poop chute
Don't fool yerself, girl
It's goin' right up yer

Aw, I knew you'd be surprised...