[Spoken: Central Scrutinizer]
This is the Central Scrutinizer... again
Hi! It's me again, the Central Scrutinizer
Joe says Lucille has messed his mind up
But, was it the girl or was it the music?
As you can see... girls, music, disease, heartbreak
They all go together...
Joe found out the hard way, but his troubles were just beginning...
His mind was so messed up... he could hardly do nothin'...
He was in a quandary...
Being devoured by the swirling cesspool
Of his own steaming desires...
...the guy was a wreck, so, what does he do?
For once, he does something smart...
He goes out... and pays a lot of money to L. Ron Hoover
At the First... at the Pch... hem...
He goes out... and pays a lot of money to L. Ron Hoover
...at the First Church of Appliantology!

[Lyric Note]
Eventually it was discovered that God did not want us to be all the same. This was BAD NEWS for the Governments of The World as it seemed contrary to the doctrine of Portion Controlled Servings. Mankind must be made more uniformly if THE FUTURE was going to work. Various ways were sought to bind us all together, but, alas SAMENESS was unenforceable. It was about this time that someone came up with the idea of TOTAL CRIMINALIZATION based on the principle that if we were ALL crooks, we could at last be uniform to some degree in the eyes of THE LAW. Shrewdly our legislators calculated that most people were too lazy to perform a REAL CRIME. So new laws were manufactured, making it possible for anyone to violate them any time of the day or night, and, once we had all broken some kind of law, we'd all be in the same big happy club, right up there with the President, the most exalted industrialists, and the clerical big shots of all your favorite religions. TOTAL CRIMINALIZATION was the greatest idea of its time and was vastly popular, except with those people who didn't want to be crooks or outlaws. So, of course, they had to be TRICKED INTO IT... which is one of the reasons why music was eventually made Illegal