[Lyric Note 1]
Arriving at L. Ron Hoover's modernistic office / cathedral / ware-house / condominium complex, Joe is greeted by a pre-recorded message and a dramatically illuminated image on a wall-sized TV screen

[Intro: L. Ron Hoover]
Welcome to the First Church of Appliantology!
The White Zone is for loading and unloading only!

[Chorus: L. Ron Hoover]
Don't you be tarot-fied
It's just a token of my extreme
Don't you be tarot-fied
It's just a token of my extreme
Don't you never try to look behind my eyes
You don't wanna know what they have seen
Don't you never try to look behind my eyes
You don't wanna know what they have seen

[Verse 1: Joe]
Some people think
That if they go too far
They'll never get back
To where the rest of them are
I might be crazy
But there's one thing I know
You might be surprised
At what you find out when ya go!
[Lyric Note 2]
And thus, having rationalized his expedition to L. Ron's modernistic office / cathedral / warehouse / condominium complex, JOE seeks the answer to his problem

[Verse 2: Joe & L. Ron Hoover]
Oh, oh, oh, Mystical Advisor
What is my problem, tell me, can you see?
Well, you have nothing to fear, my son!
You are a Latent Appliance Fetishist, it appears to me!
That all seems very, very strange
I never craved a toaster or a color T.V
A Latent Appliance Fetishist
Is a person who refuses to admit to his or herself
That sexual gratification can only be achieved
Through the use of machines!
Get the picture?

[Verse 3: Joe & L. Ron Hoover]
Are you telling me
I should come out of the closet now, Mr. Ron?
No, my son!
You must go into The Closet!
What?
And you will have
Eh?
Hey! A lot of fun!
That's where they all live
So if you want an appliance to love you
You'll have to go in there and get you one
Well, that seems simple enough!
Yes, but if you want a really good one
You'll have to learn a foreign language!
German, for instance?
That's right
A lot of really cute ones come from over there!
Fifty bucks, please!
[Lyric Note 3]
And a cheerful group of Appliantologists dance into the room wearing aluminum foil lab smocks, lock arms in a circle around JOE, making sure he pays in full, all the while singing with L. RON as he delivers his final instructions

[Chorus: Appliantologists]
If you've been modified
It's an illusion, and you're in between
Don't you be tarot-fied
It's just a lot of nothin' so what can it mean?
If you've been modified
It's an illusion, and you're in between
Don't you be tarot-fied
It's just a lot of nothin' so what can it mean?
If you've been modified
It's an illusion, and you're in between

[Outro: Central Scrutinizer]
This is the Central Scrutinizer...
Joe has just learned to speak German
Now, get this, here's why he did it!
He's gonna go to this club on the other side of town
It's called The Closet...
And they got these Appliances in there that really go for a guy
Dressed up like a housewife who can speak German
(you know what I mean) ...so Joe's learned how to speak German
He goes in this place and he sees these little Kitchen Machineries
Dancing around with each other, and he sees this one...
That looks like it's a cross between an industrial vacuum cleaner
And a chrome piggy bank with marital aids stuck all over its body...
It's really exciting... and when he sees it, he bursts into song...