[Intro]
Billy the Mountain
Billy the Mountain
A regular picturesque, postcard-y mountain
Residing between lovely Rosamond and Gorman!
With his stunning wife Ethel
A tree!...
A tree!
Billy was a mountain!
Ethel was a tree growing off of his shoulder!
Billy was a mountain!
Ethel was a tree growing off of his shoulder!
Billy had two big caves for eyes with a cliff for a jaw that would go up 'n down
And whenever it did, he’d puff out some dust and hack up a boulder! (Hack!)
Hack up a boulder! (Hack, Hack!)
Hack up a boulder! (Hack, Hack, Haaack!)
Hack up a boulder!
[Spoken word verse 1]
Now, one day, a man in a checkered suit drove up in a big Lincoln Continental (Honk! Honk!)
And he laid a huge, bulging envelope right at the corner of Billy the Mountain, right where his 'foot' was supposed to be!
Now, Billy the Mountain, he couldn’t believe it! All those postcards he'd posed for, for over these tears, and finally, now, at last, his Royalties! (Royalties! 5x)
Billy the Mountain was rich!
His eyeball-caves widened in amazement, his cliff, which was his jaw, it dropped thirty feet!
Ooh, a bunch of dust puffed out!
Rocks and boulders hacked up (hack! hack! hack! hack hack! hack! hack!)
Crushing 'The Lincoln'!
Now, the man in the checkered suit, well, without his car he went screaming off into the desert at sunset
Aaaa-aaaa-aaaah!
All the way to Rosamond to get a beer and tell everybody there including Ronnie Cook what had happened to his car
[Verse 1]
I gave him the money, he acted real funny
He hacked up a rock and it totaled my car!
Oh, do you know any trucks might be bound for the valley?
I don't wanna stand here all night in this bar!
Dear Lord I don't wanna stand here all night in this bar!
No shit, I don't wanna stand here all night in this bar!
[Spoken word verse 2]
By two o'clock, and the bars had already closed down, Billy had already broken the big news to Ethel
With dust and boulders everywhere, Billy, choked with excitement, announced:
"Ethel, we’re going on a vacation!"
Yeess! And they were going on a vacation!
Oh, and Ethel, Ethel, Ethel! Ethel just like a woman, of course she was delighted! She creaked a little bit, and some old birds flew off of her! (Hey, Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song!)
Billy told Ethel they were going to...
They were going to New York!
"Ethel, we’re going to... New York."
But first they would stop in Las Vegas!
[Verse 2]
It's off to Las Vegas to check out the lounges
Pull a few handles, drink a few beers
Oh, Ethel! Ethel, my darling
You know that I love you!
I’m glad we could have a vacation this year! (Oh, neat-o!)
Glad we could have a vacation this year!
[Spoken word verse 3]
They left that night, crunching across the Mojave Desert
Their voices echoing through the canyons of your minds!
"Ethel, wanna get a cuppa cawfee?" (Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson’s!)
"Ahhh! there's a Howard Johnson's! Wanna eat some clams?"
[Spoken word verse 4]
The first noteworthy piece of real estate they destroyed was Edwards' Air Force Base
And to this very day, Wing Nuts and Data Reduction Clerks alike, speak in reverent whispers about that fateful night when test stand #1 and the rocket sled itself got... LUNCHED!
By a famous mountain...
And his small, wooden wife
[Verse 3]
Good bye to Las Vegas, farewell to the lounges
We pulled a few handles, we drank a few beers (Chug-a-lug-a-lug!)
Guess that George Putnam should be on the air now
With the biggest new story that has broken this year (George Putnam!)
His biggest new story that has broken this year
Take it away, George!
[Spoken word verse 5]
"Word just in to the KTTV News Service
Undeniably links this mountain and his wife to drug abuse and pay-offs as part of a San Joaquin Valley smut ring!
However, we can assure parents in the Southern California area that a recent narcotics crackdown, in Torrance
Hawthorne
And Lomita
Will provide the secret evidence the Palmdale Grand Jury has needed to seek a criminal indictment
And pave the way for stiffer legislation
Increased federal aid
And avert a crippling strike of bartenders and veterinarians throughout the inland empire
But it is this reporter's opinion that Ethel is a former communist"
[Spoken word verse 6]
Within the week, Jerry Lewis had hosted a Telethon (Wah wah wah, nice lady!)
To raise funds for the injured (injured!)
And homeless (homeless!)
In Denver!
As Billy had just leveled it
And a few miles right outside of town, Billy caused a 'Oh Mein Papa'... in the Earth's crust
Right over the secret underground dumps where they keep the pools of old poison gas!
And obsolete germ bombs!
Just as a freak tornado cruised through!
(My baby, my baby, my baby, my baby)
Ah!
(My baby, my baby, my baby, my baby)
Poo-ah!
(My baby, my baby!)
Sucking up two thirds of it! (SUCK! SUCK! SUCK!)
For untimely dispersal over vast stretches of...
The Mid West!
[Spoken word verse 7]
Now, it was about this time, I think it was right outside of Columbus, Ohio, that Billy got his notice to report for his Induction physical. Now, believe me, Ethel said she wasn't gonna let him go!
"I'm not gonna let you go, Billy!"
And George Putnam, the ring-wing, creepo, fascist pig newscaster from Los Angeles said...
Take it away George Putnam, the ring-wing, creepo, fascist pig newscaster from Los Angeles!
[Spoken word verse 8]
We now have confirm reports from an informed orange county minister, that Ethel is still an active communist
And it's this reporter's opinion that she also practices...
Witchcraft!
[Spoken word verse 9]
It was about this time that the telephone rang in the secret briefcase belonging to the one mortal man who might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save America herself! (Eee-aaah!)
Now, some men say he looked like (he looked like)
Felix Pappalardi (Felix Pappalardi); still others say (others say)
Bullshit, man (bullshit, man) he was just born (he was born)
Next to the frozen beef pies at Gristedes (frozen beef pies)
Still others say (others say he was just another)
Again, he was just a crazy Italian (crazy Italian) who drove a red car
You see it was hard to tell (but nobody knows)
Nobody knew for sure (for sure)
He was so (so) mysterious! (mysterious)
[Bridge]
He was so, mysterious!
He was so, mysterious!
[Verse 4]
Cause when a person gets to be such a hero, folks!
And marvelous beyond compute!
You can never really tell about a guy like that
Whether he's really a nice person
Or if he just smiles a lot (what?)
Or if he has a son named Pinocchio or what?
Whether he's really a nice person or if he has a son named Pinocchio, or what?
[Verse 5]
Some men say he could fly
Some men say he could swim
Others say he could sing like Neil Sedaka
And all the girls in flushing would be amazed of him
(Two, Three!) Amazed of him!
[Spoken word bridge]
Time passing (right!)
January, February, 1975, 1986, March 1914
[Verse 6]
So when the phone rang (thank you) in the secret briefcase (thank you)
A strong masculine hand with a wristwatch, and flexy bracelet!
Grabbed it!
And answered in a deep, calmly assured voice!
[Spoken word verse 10]
"Yes, this is he!
What? A mountain with a tree growing off of its shoulder? You're full'a shit, man- What? Wha-, uh, are, are you sure? Oh well, alright, let me write this down then, sorta take a few notes here
To New York? Causing untold destruction?!"
(My baby, my baby, my baby, my baby, oh!
My baby, my baby, my baby, my baby
My baby, my baby
My baby, my baby, my baby
My baby, my baby)
Uh-oh!
(My baby, my baby, my baby)
Ah!
"Wanted for draft evasion?
Can I, can I fly there immediately and reason with him?
An expense account? And per diem, too?"
[Bridge]
Some men say he can dance!
Yes, he could dance
And here it is, Ladies and Gentlemen:
The Studebaker Hoch Dancing Lesson & Cosmic Prayer for Guidance, featuring Aynsley Dunbar
Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, hey!
Right hand from the heart-uh (Professional!)
Left hand from the heart-uh (Exquisite!)
Right hand from the heart-uh (Homunculus!)
Left hand from the left shoulder to the heart-uh
Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, hey!
[Spoken word verse 11]
There were a number of very peculiar rumors circulating about Studebaker Hoch recently. Consider if you will the rumors that have spread that he could write The Lord's Prayer on the head of a pin
[Bridge]
Some men say he could write The Lord's Prayer!
On the head of a-
Head of a-
Head of a pin!
Ah, Three Dog Night! Yeah!
[Bridge]
Other still maintain the faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaact-uh! (Good God!)
He was born next to the frozen beef pies!
And that was the main influence on him!
[Spoken word verse 12]
Boldly springing into action, he phoned his wife
Who ran a modeling school, whereupon she...
He ran around the back of Gimbels to see if he could find some big unused cardboard boxes
After which, he hit up Gristedes for some Kaiser Broiler Foil, some Aunt Jemima syrup, and a pair of blunt scissors! Heh-heh-heh-hey!
Yes, and in the parking lot across the street from the One Fifth Avenue Hotel, in between a pair of customized trucks where nobody was looking, he cut out a pair of really, really nice wings, and he covered 'em thoroughly with foil...
Thoroughly with foil
Thoroughly with foil
Thoroughly with foil
Thoroughly with foil
Th-thor-thorough-ly with foil
Th-th-thorough-lyyyyy! Wi-th wi-th foil!
Then he took those wings and wedged one under each of his powerful arms and sneaked into a telephone booth!
He closed the door! And he pulled down his grey denim bus driver type pants, and he spread even amounts of Aunt Jemima syrup all over the inside of his legs, right underneath his boxer print shorts, ha ha ha!
Soon the booth was filling with flies! (Help me, help me, help me!)
He held open the legs of his boxer shorts so they could all get in! . Yes! And when each and every one of those little, each and every one of those little cock sucking flies had gone into his boxer shorts, and was lapping up all that good Aunt Jemima syrup, he bent over and he put his head between his legs and he said to those little flies in a clear, impressive voice:
"New York!"
...and the booth and everything lifted up, out of the parking lot, and into the sky!
[Verse 7]
Studebaker Hoch, yeah yeah!
Studebaker, Stu-de-baker Hoch!
Studebaker Hoch, yeah yeah!
Studebaker, Stu-de-baker Hoch!
He's coating his legs with Aunt Jemima syrup up and down!
His shorts'll be filled with flies that will be buzzing all around! (Help me, help me, help me!)
[Verse 8]
Studebaker Hoch
He's really outta sight!
Studebaker Hoch
He does it every night!
Studebaker Hoch
He treats the flies all right
Studebaker Hoch
That's why they never bite, hey!
[Refrain]
Please to New York!
Fly to New York!
He could be a dog or a frog or a lesbian queen!
Fly to New York!
He could be a nark or a lady marine!
[Verse 9]
Or he might play dirty; He's over thirty!
Getting old? Say...
I don't know!
His peculiar attire, and the flies he require keep leading him on!
'Cause Ethel is gone, and the mountain she's on!
[Refrain]
Please to New York!
Fly to New York!
[Keyboard solo: Ian Underwood]
[Guitar solo: Frank Zappa]
[Refrain]
Fly to New York!
I don't know!
[Verse 9 Reprise]
His peculiar attire, and the flies he require keep leading him on!
'Cause Ethel is gone, keep leading him on!
'Cause Ethel is gone, and the mountain she's on!
[Spoken word verse 13]
We join Studebaker Hoch standing on the edge of Billy The Mountain's mouth
"Billy? I've come to reason with you! Our great country needs you in the Armed Forces! Why, it's all fair and square! The lottery, you know? Your number came up! You can't go on running like this forever!"
Ethel shook her twigs angrily, but Studebaker Hoch, unperturbed, continued:
"Listen, you (cough cough)..
Listen, you communist son of a bitch!
You better get your ass down there for your fucking physical, or I'll see to it that you get used for fill dirt in some impending New Jersey marsh reclamation!
And your girlfriend here will wind up disguised as a series of brooms
Primitive ironing boards
Or a dog house!
Get the (cough, cough)
Get the picture?"
Billy just laughed:
"Ho ho ho! If they think they're gonna draft me, they're crazy!"
Now you'll remember that Studebaker Hoch was standing on the edge of Billy's mouth, so that when he laughed, he lost his balance and unfortunately fell, screaming, two hundred feet into the rubble below!
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"
That was only one hundred feet, you Carnaby cutie, let's hear another set!
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"
[Verse 10]
Which only goes to prove:
A Mountain is something you don't wanna fuck with!
You don't wanna fuck with, don't fuck around! (Don't fuck around)
Don't fuck with Billy and don't fuck with Ethel!
You saw what just happened to the guy with the flies!
[Outro]
Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!
Dooon't fuck arooouuund!
Dooon't fuck arooouuund!
Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!
With...
Biddilly, Biddilly
Biddilly, Biddilly, Biddilly!
Biddilly the mountin-in!
Biddilly the mountin-in!
Hadi-hadi-ha-daaaahh!
Hadi-hadi-ha-yadi-yadi-ya-da-da!
Thank you for coming to our concert, good night
