FZ:

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you direct from the front page of the Police Gazette a true story, a real true story about a real person now functioning—well, not functioning too well, 'cause they caught him—formerly functioning in the Midwest under the name of the Illinois Enema Bandit. Has anybody here ever heard of the Illinois Enema Bandit?

I see we have some perverts in this audience tonight. I wasn't quite sure when we got to Virginia, because they always told me that Virginia was for lovers, but now I know that it is possible that in the future Virginia may be for perverts, because you know about the Illinois Enema Bandit. Well, for those of you who are new to the world of perversion—some of you might have actually come, come to this institution to get an education, and we're gonna see what we can do to help you along with it

Now, the Illinois Enema Bandit—his real name is Michael Kenyon, they caught him recently. And what they caught him doing was, breaking into the homes of college-educated women wearing a ski mask, carrying a briefcase that contained some rope, a little pistol, a thermometer, and a gleaming red enema bag

Now this enterprising young gentleman (ahem) would, uh—he's getting his costume on right now—this enterprising young gentleman would come in there and capture the college-educated woman unawares, force her to lie on her stomach and then tie her up and, uh, holding a gun at her head and everything, you know, being really ominous, then he would take her temperature to make sure that she was okay, and then he would go in, and he would fill his bag up in the bathroom and he'd sneak back in there to the room and he'd go . . . Voot! Vip! Glug, glug, gluggity glug glug, gluggity glug about a quart and a half's worth, VOOT! Stand her up, let her trot into the bathroom, poot it all out while he was jerking off in the corner. And then he would say, "Don't call the police for at least five minutes if you know what's good for ya! HA HA HA HA!"

Here it is now, ladies and gentlemen, the Illinois Enema Bandit. We have this special song that deals with his life and times. It goes like this . .

The Illinois Enema Bandit
I heard he's on the loose
I heard he's on the loose
Lord, the pitiful screams
Of them college-educated women . .
For he'd be just tyin' 'em up
(They'd be all bound down!)
Be just pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice

The Illinois Enema Bandit
I heard it on the news
I heard it on the news
Bloomington Illinois . . . he has caused some alarm
Just sneakin' around there
From farm to farm
Got a rubberized bag
And a hose on his arm
Searchin' for some rustic co-ed rump
That he just might wanna pump
Searchin' for some rustic co-ed rump
That he just might wanna pump
Searchin' for some rustic co-ed rump
That he just might wanna . .
The Illinois Enema Bandit
Some day he's gonna pay
Some day he's gonna pay
The police will say, "Sucker! You's under arrest!"
And the judge will have him for a special guest
The D.A. will order a secret test
Stuff his pudgy little thumbs in the side of his vest
Put out a call for the jury folks
And the judge would say, "No poo-poo jokes!"
They'll drag in the bandit for all to see
Sayin' "Don't nobody, have no sympathy . .
HOT SOAPY WATER in the FIRST DEGREE!"
And the Bandit might say, "Why is everybody always pickin' on me?"

WELL DID YOU CAUSE THIS MISERY?
WELL DID YOU CAUSE THIS MISERY?
BANDIT, TELL ME DID YOU CAUSE THIS MISERY?
Well, one girl shout: "Let the Bandit be!"

WELL ARE YOU GUILTY?
BANDIT TELL ME WHAT'S YOUR PLEA?
Another girl shout: "Let the fiend go free!"

WELL ARE YOU GUILTY?
BANDIT, TELL ME, DID YOU DO THESE DEEDS?
You know what the bandit said?
He said, "It must be just what they all need . . . "
(Enemas)
"It must be just what they all need . . . "
(Flushing out)
"It must be just what they all need . . . "
(Cushy cushy)
"It must be just what they all . . . "
Stay tuned, folks, for . .