FZ: And now, a true story with another fantastic introduction brought to you through the courtesy of NBC. Take it away, Don Pardo!
Don Pardo: This is a true story about a famous criminal from right around Chicago. This is the story of Michael Kenyon, a man who is serving time at this very moment for the crime of armed robbery. It so happens, that at the time of these robberies, Michael decided to give his female victims a little enema—apparently, there was no law against that. But his name lives on—Michael Kenyon, THE ILLINOIS ENEMA BANDIT!

The Illinois Enema Bandit
I heard he's on the loose
I heard he's on the loose
Lord, the pitiful screams
Of all them college-educated women . .
He'd just be tyin' 'em up
(They'd be all bound down!)
He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
Just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
Just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice

The Illinois Enema Bandit
I heard it on the news
I heard it on the news
Bloomington Illinois . . . he has caused some alarm
Just sneakin' around there
From farm to farm
Got a rubberized bag
And a hose on his arm
Lookin' for some rustic co-ed rump
That he just might wanna pump
Lookin' for some rustic co-ed rump
That he just might wanna pump
Lookin' for some rustic co-ed rump
That he just might wanna pump
The Illinois Enema Bandit
Some day he'll have to pay
Some day he'll have to pay
The police will say, "You're under arrest!"
And then the judge would have him for a special guest
The D.A. will order a secret test
Stuff his pudgy little thumbs in the side of his vest
Then they'll put out a call-yooou! for the jury folks
(That's you right over there)
And the judge would say—take it away, judge
"No poo-poo jokes!"
Then they'll drag in the bandit for all to see
Sayin' "Don't nobody, no no, have no sympathy . .
HOT SOAPY WATER in the FIRST DEGREE!"
And then the Bandit might say, "Why is everybody lookin' at me?"

WELL DID YOU CAUSE THIS MISERY?
WELL DID YOU CAUSE THIS MISERY?
WELL DID YOU CAUSE THIS MISERY?
You know that one girl shout: "Let the Bandit be!"

ARE YOU GUILTY?
BANDIT, TELL ME, WHAT'S YOUR PLEA?
Another girl shout: "Let the fiend go free!"

ARE YOU GUILTY? ARE YOU GUILTY?
BANDIT, DID YOU DO THESE DEEDS?
COME ON, NOW
You know what he said?
"It must be just what they all need . . . "
(That's right!)
"It must be just what they all need . . . "
(That's right!)
"It must be just what they all need . . . "
(Yes . . .)
"It must be just what they all need . . . "
He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
". . . must be just what they all need . . . "
He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
"It must be just what they all need . . . "
He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
"It must be just what they all need . . . "
He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
"It must be just what they all need . . . "
The Illinois Bandit Juice

He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
"It must be just what they all need . . . "
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
Just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
"I said it must be just what they all need . . . "
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
"You know it must be just what they all need . . . "
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
"Well, it must be just what they all need . . ."
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
All right now!

He just be . .
The Illinois . .
Enema . .
Bandit, yeah, yeah, yeah . .
Ooh . . . Enema Bandit . .
(Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yay-yah)
Enema Bandit
(Enema Bandit)
Enema Bandit
(Enema-nema-nema-ne-nema-ne-nema-ne-nema Bandit)
Bandit, yeah . .
( . . . so did the Enema Bandit)
The Illinois Enema Bandit . .
FZ: Alright!