It was the blackest night
There was no moon in sight
You know the stars ain't shinin'
'Cause the sky's too tight
Heard the scarey wind
I seen a, ugly trees
There was a werewolf honkin'
'Long the side of me

I'm mean 'n I'm bad, y'know I ain't no sissy
Got a big-titty girly by the name of Chrissy
Talkin' about her 'n my bike 'n me . .
'N this ride up the Mountain of Mystery, mystery

It was 11 o'clock upon a Friday night
You know that her and me was feeling outta' sight
We had twenty reds and a big ol' pile o' weed
You know we drank some wine and then we LSD'd

Well, Chrissy puked twice and jumped on my bike
She yelled, "Fire it up, because you know what I like!"
She burned her leg on a tail-pipe then
And yelled, "Shit-a-ree!," and puked again

That's right!
I noticed even the crickets
Were actin' weird up here
'N so I figured I might
Just drink a little beer
I said, "Gimme summa that what yer suckin' on . . . "
But there was no reply
'Cause she was gone . .

"Where's those titties I like so well, 'n my goddamn beer!"
Is what I started to yell, then I heard this noise
Like a crunchin' twig, 'n up jumped the Devil . .
He's about this big . .

He had a red suit on
An' a widow's peak
An' then a pointed tail
'N like a sulphur reek
Yes, it was him awright
I sweared I knowed it was
He had some human flesh
Stuck underneath his claws
You know, it looked to me
Like it was titty skin
I said, "You sonofabitch!"
'Cause I was mad at him
Well he just got out the floss
'N started cleanin' his fang
So I shot him with my shooter
Said: BANG BANG BANG
Then the sucker just laughed 'n said:

Terry:
Oh, put it away . .
You know, I ate her all up . . . now what you gonna say?

FZ:
You ate my Chrissy?

Terry:
Yeah! Titties 'n all!

FZ:
Well, what about the beer then?

Terry:
Ah . . . Were the cans this tall?

FZ:
How 'bout her boots?

Terry:
Now, would I lie to you?

FZ:
Shit, you musta been hungry!
Terry:
Yeah, this is true

FZ:
Well, don't they pay you good on your birthday
For what you all do?

Terry:
Well, you know
I can't complain when the checks come through . .

FZ:
Well I want my Chrissy
'N I want my beer
So you just spit her back up
Now, Devil, do you hear?

Terry:
Dig. Blow it out your ass, motorcycle man!
I mean, I am the Devil
Do you understand?
Just what will you give me for your
Titties and beer?
I suppose you noticed this little contract here . .

FZ:
Yer goddam right, you
Son-of-a-whore

Terry:
Call me that?

FZ:
That's about the only reason I learned writin' for . .

Tery:
Yeah?

FZ:
Gimme that contract . . . bet yer ass I'll sign . .
Because I need a beer
'N it's titty-squeezin' time!

Terry:
Man, you can't fool me . . . you ain't that bad . .

FZ:
Oh, yeah?

Terry:
I mean you shoulda seen some of the souls that I've had . .
Why there was Milhous Nixon 'n Agnew, too . .
'N both of those suckers were worse 'n you . .

FZ:
Well, let's make a deal if you think that's true
I mean, shit, you're the Devil so . .
Whatcha gonna do?

Terry: Wait, wait, hold it. You want to make a deal with me?
FZ: That's right, you heard right!
Terry: Now wait a second. You ain't supposed to wanna make a d— You see, I've propositioned quite a few people. . .
FZ: Well, let me explain . .
Terry: And nobody ever wanted to make a deal with me, you dig, alright?
FZ: What are you, an amateur devil? Don't you understand . .
Terry: Wait a minute, hey man, I'm the— I am the Big One, I am . .
FZ: You're the main Devil, huh?
Terry: Whatever his name is himself
FZ: Yeah, you— Beelzebub, right?
Terry: I don't know, you can call him that if you want to, you know. Satan
FZ: Yeah? Well, look now, I know it's your birthday and everything . .
Terry: Lucifer
FZ: Look. You might have— You might have missed . .
Terry: You can call me Smothers
FZ: I could call you Smothers. Smothers, can I call him Smothers? Alright. Now look, I wanna explain something to you—I know that you're overawed because it's your birthday and these things don't happen but once a year, you know?
Terry: That's true
FZ: Yeah, when you're young and tender and succulent and available . .
Terry: Yes
FZ: No, not really available for, you know . .
Terry: No, not really available
FZ: Heh heh heh . . . Maybe next time though
Terry: Maybe
FZ: When you're succulent like that and everything, you know, and trying to pretend to be the Devil in front of literally thousands of people in a major American city like New York. You know it's, it's easy to overlook some simple details that are pertinant to our current dilemma. D'you get the drift? What I'm trying to tell you is I'm a simple minded person, you know?
Terry: Simple, uh-huh, yeah
FZ: That's right
Terry: Simple
FZ: Me and Don Parde are just like that
Terry: What?
FZ: Okay? Now I'm try—
Terry: Wait a minute, I thought you were a weirdo. I thought I could use you down there with . .
FZ: No, you can't— Yeah, you can't— You can't use me, no no no, no, no no no. No matter what union you, you belong to
Terry: Could it be that I made a mistake?
FZ: I'm only interested in a couple of things—and Bennett can bear me out on this—I'm only interested in two things. Tits and beer. Right? So, if there's anybody here in the audience that can agree with this . . . Help me out! Make sure the Devil does not get my soul tonight, just sing along . .
Terry: Titties. Beer. Titties and beer . .
FZ: Titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer. Titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer

Terry:
No! Don't sign it! Give me time to think . .
I mean . .
Hold on a second, boy . .
'Cause that's Magic Ink!

And then the Devil puked
'N out jumped m'girl
They heard the titties PLOP-PLOPPIN'
All around the world, she said:

"I GOT ME THREE BEERS 'N A FIST FULLA DOWNS
AN' I'M GONNA GET RIPPED, SO FUCK YOU CLOWNS!"

And then she gave us the finger
It was rigid 'n stiff
That's when the Devil, he farted
An' she went right over the cliff

The Devil was mad
I took off to my pad
I swear I do declare!
How did she get back there?
I swear I do declare!
How did she get back there?
I swear I do declare!
How did she get back there?
I swear I do declare!
How did she get back there?
Alright!