[Verse 1]
[Garfunkel]
We roll into the bar 'cause that's how we do
Garfunkel, (Oates), and the rest of the crew
Give a dollar to my homegirl and watch that bitch go, she
(Hits up the jukebox and puts on Jim Croce
Operator, can you help me make this call?)

[Oates]
Well, we're laughing and talking and the drinks are flowing
And I'm liking the direction this night is going
But then I look up and something has changed
Everyone around us looks fucking deranged

[Garfunkel]
I look to my left, I look to my right
Nothing but Von Dutch hats in sight
With super-tight abs and super-tan skin
I swear this ain't the club that I walked in

[Oates]
The techno music starts to play
And the room smells like Axe body spray
I'm like Golda Meir with no gold in my ear
Please tell me what the hell happened here
[Garfunkel & Oates]
Yo, it ain't pretty but you know its the truth
This party just took a turn for the douche

[Hook]
For the douche, for the douche
For the motherfuckin' douche
Thought it was a perfect party
Now it's just a lot of Ed Hardy
This party just took a turn for the douche

[Verse 2]
[Oates]
Guess I can't beat 'em so I'm gonna join 'em
Need some douche phrases and I'm gonna coin 'em
Put my Bluetooth in and I'm on my way
Gonna be a motherfuckin' douchebag today

[Garfunkel]
Gonna groom my beard like a bonsai tree
Wax off my chest like Mr. Miyagi
Get a Chinese tat, don't know what it means
But it makes me look deep to girls in their teens

[Oates]
Don't need sleeves on my shirt, just rip 'em off
And leave 'em exposed like Bernie Madoff
Fake tan so brown, you can call me Foxy
Gonna pop my collar like Limbaugh pops oxy
[Garfunkel]
Got more chains than Mr. T
And I pity the fuckwad who messes with me
'Cause I'm doin' roids til my balls get teeny
Like Dennis Quaid in Innerspace, up inside the weenie

[Oates]
Gettin' crunk on brewskis with my broskis
Cooler than Ice Cube wearing snow skis
Sweeter than the life of Zack and Cody
Higher than the voice of Truman Capote

[Garfunkel & Oates]
Yeah, I'll drop a G for that bottle of Goose
This party just took a turn for the douche

[Hook]
For the douche, for the douche
For the motherfuckin' douche
Thought it was a perfect party
Now it's just a lot of Ed Hardy
This party just took a turn for the douche

[Verse 3]
[Garfunkel]
We're an army in the night like Norman Mailer
And it's time to be a tool like my name is Tim Taylor
I'm a VIP 'cause my table said so
I'm a use some ruffies 'cause the skank said no (EW!)
I like my hair like I like my girl's drink
(Spiked as fuck!)
[Oates]
Did my last keg stand like General Custer
And I'm assessin' the damage like a claims adjuster
I ain't your daddy but I'll call you "son"
Yeah, I get metaphysical like fuckin' John Donne

[Garfunkel]
I'm holdin' up the beats like I was Lloyd Dobler
Girls are on the dance floor shakin' their cobbler
I'm cool like LL, fly like Jeff Goldblum
And I'm gonna find the biggest ho in this room

[Oates]
Girl's wax is Brazilian, her manicure's French
Jean Nate is her signature stench
She got rocks on her fingers and beneath her areolas
Her garden's more savage than ch-ch-cherry colas

[Garfunkel]
Her heels are as clear as my intentions to bang her
Hope she's birth controlled like Margaret Sanger
Gonna Boner Stabone her, Mike Seaver her beaver
Take her gold for cash, then motherfuckin' leave her

[Garfunkel & Oates]
I ain't in love with you, cousin; I ain't George Michael Bluth
This party just took a turn for the douche

[Hook]
For the douche, for the douche
For the motherfuckin' douche
Thought it was a perfect party
Now it's just a lot of Ed Hardy
This party just took a turn for the douche

For the douche, for the douche
For the motherfuckin' douche
Thought it was a perfect party
Now it's just a lot of Ed Hardy
This party just took a turn for the douche

[Outro]
(Fuck you)
For the douche
(Fuck you)
For the douche
(Fuck you!)
The douche
(Fuck you)
Oh, yeah, yeah
(Fuck you)
The douche
(Word to your face)
Such a douche