If there's a thousand people in the company
One guy's gotta be the worst guy
One guy's gotta be in thousandth place
And we're gonna call that guy...
What would that guy be named?
Maybe something like
Chris

Being the least-productive guy in the office
Used to be enough to keep Chris employed
But now this political correctness
Is threatening the certainty he once enjoyed
Sure, Chris believes in equality
And supports a merit-based system
But why can't things completely change
And stay exactly the same for him?
Oh, yeah, why can't the world eliminate its deeply-ingrained unconscious bias without affecting Chris's accounting job?

Before we worry about solving
Centuries of oppression
We can't forget to ask
The most important question:

What's gonna happen to you, Chris?
Are you gonna actually have to try?
How could they do this to you, Chris?
Why, oh, why, oh, why?
Sure, we all want change
But have you thought about this:
What's gonna happen to Chris?
Chris is collateral damage
And we sympathize with the situation he's in
But Chris is like a kick-line in a musical:
People have been applauding him for literally no reason
He's been sailing on through
But contributing nothing
The worst guy in the whole company
Chris is as good at doing his job
As we are at doing harmony

If Chris was a flavor, he'd be tofu
If the world was a mansion, he'd be a door hinge
If he was in Hamilton, he'd be Peggy
If he was a Tootsie Pop, he'd be orange
If Chris was a sport, he'd be baseball
If this was a marriage, he'd be the wife
If this was a tragedy, he'd be Thoughts and Prayers
If this was the apocalypse, he'd be a butter knife

If this was Sex and the City, he'd be a Carrie
Yeah, I said it—Carrie's boring as shit
Everyone who's anyone is a Miranda
And I think, deep down, we all know it

And if Chris was an animal, he'd be a gerbil
If he was technology, he'd be a paper calendar
If he was a spaceship, he'd be Columbia
It also exploded—but it was no Challenger
No, no, no, no
And still, we ask the most important question
What's gonna happen to you, Chris?
Are you gonna actually have to try?
How could they do this to you, Chris?
Why, oh, why, oh, why?
Sure, we all want change
But have you thought about this:
What's gonna happen to

[Oates]
Me?
It's so hard to be a man right now
Why is everyone trying to oppress me?
Can't we fix centuries of discrimination
Without things getting so messy?

[Garfunkel]
It's so good to be a woman right now
We really have it all!
We got six percent of CEO jobs

[Oates]
That's up two percent from the eighties

[Garfunkel]
We make eighty cents on the dollar
[Oates]
Sure, I make a dollar on the dollar
But it still seems pretty scary

[Garfunkel]
We can finally come forward
And name our attackers with
Mixed reactions

[Oates]
But what if I didn't know I was attacking you?
I'm literally losing everything
It's so hard

[Garfunkel]
It's so easy

[Both]
When the world is like it is
Sure, we all want change
But have you thought about this:
What's gonna happen to Chris?

Sure, we all want change
But have you thought about this:
What's gonna happen to Chris?

Sure, we all want change
But have you thought about this:
What's gonna happen to Chris?