INT. CINEMA
Larry Sherbet, the undercover identity of Jake Peralta, is sitting in an almost empty movie theater. Greg Stickney, the undercover identity of Captain Raymond Holt, sits down two seats to the right of Larry.
LARRY: Greg.
GREG: Larry.
LARRY: What's going on? Any idea why Marshal Haas called this special meeting?
GREG: I don’t know. Do you think she saw the video we put on the Internet to lure Jimmy Figgis down here? "Corn Dog pewwwnd by Go Kart".
LARRY: It's "pwned," but that was really adorable.
GREG: Well, if she has, it would ruin our entire plan.
Greg looks to the side and we hear footsteps.
GREG: Here she comes.
Marshal Haas enters and sits down a row behind Greg and Larry.
MARSHAL: Gentlemen.
LARRY: What's up?
MARSHAL: So how’s it going?
LARRY: It's good. It's really good. Uh, keeping a low prof. No contact with Brooklyn. No one's questioned our identities. Definitely staying off the Net, right, Greg?
GREG: Right.
MARSHAL: That's it? That's all you have to say to me?
Larry looks nervous.
LARRY: Yep, I think we're good.
MARSHAL: So nobody's going to ask me how I’m doing?
GREG: Oh, I didn’t think this was a personal conversation.
Greg turns around to talk to the marshal.
MARSHAL: It's not; turn back around and watch the movie. This is official business. I was just testing you, because Greg is the kind of person who cares about his friends and can sense when something is off with them.
GREG: Is something off with you, Marshal Haas?
The marshal leans against the seats in front.
MARSHAL: I don’t know. I mean, I met someone, okay, and, um I mean, it's not my husband, I mean, nothing's happened yet, but My entire body is on fire.
Larry grimaces.
MARSHAL: He's Cuban.
LARRY: Is this still official business?
MARSHAL: Of course it is. Shut up and watch the movie.
LARRY: Yep.
MARSHAL: Pop quiz.
The marshal sits back in her chair.
MARSHAL: If Larry were married and everything was fine, and I mean, honestly, everything is totally fine.
LARRY: Sure.
The marshal then leans against the chairs in front and talks into Larry’s ear.
MARSHAL: But he knew that one night with this person could give him everything he needed for the rest of his life. Would he do it?
LARRY: Yes?
MARSHAL: Yes? Good. What if this person that Larry met was young? I mean, really young.
LARRY: Well, I don't think Larry would do anything illegal.
GREG: You know, it seems to me Larry has needs and deserves to have those needs met.
MARSHAL: Greg, you're really great at being undercover. You both passed the test.
The marshal touches Greg and Larry on the shoulders and shouts.
MARSHAL: Marco! Vamanos!
The marshal stands up and a man in the background with popcorn follows.
OPENING CREDITS
INT. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE PRECINCT
Amy Santiago runs up excitedly to Charles Boyle, Rosa Diaz and Gina Linetti, who are all gathered around Rosa's desk.
AMY: Guys, guys, the marshal gave me good news about Jake.
Charles get prematurely excited.
CHARLES: Jake's back. Jake's back! Oh, we're not ready. We need gummy worms. We need them now!
AMY: No, Charles. Jake is still wherever he is, but since it's been six months, the marshal is letting me write a one-page letter to Jake which she will read to him and then set on fire. Is there anything you guys want me to write?
CHARLES: You have to tell Jake about my new son, Nikolaj. That he's four years old, he's from Latvia, he calls me "comrade," and I love him so much.
Amy smiles, unsure.
AMY: Will do.
Amy quickly turns to Rosa.
AMY: Rosa, anything you want to tell Jake?
ROSA: Yeah. Tell him I said:
Rosa slightly nods.
AMY: You want me to write that you nodded slightly?
ROSA: He'll know what it means.
GINA: I would like you to tell Jacob that I'm thinking about him and hoping that he's safe.
Amy looks concerned at Charles, who looks shocked.
GINA: What? Meet the new Gina, who always puts others before herself. Can you make the whole letter about me doing that?
AMY: Yeah, I'll just tell him that everything's exactly the same.
Sergeant Terry Jeffords walks up behind Rosa's desk.
TERRY: Guys, briefing room, five minutes. We're getting a new captain. Again!
EXT. LARRY'S HOUSE
Larry opens the door to his house to see Greg standing there.
GREG: Hello, Larry. It's your neighbor, Greg. Can I try your hot tub out? I'm thinking of getting one.
Greg lifts up a pair of swimming shorts.
LARRY: Of course, that's a totally normal thing to do in 100 degree weather. Come on in and hop in the tub.
GREG: Thank you.
Greg walks into Larry's house and the both look around cautiously outside.
EXT. LARRY'S HOT TUB
Greg and Larry are both sitting in Larry's calm hot tub.
GREG: We need to talk without being overheard. Turn on the bubbles.
LARRY: You got it.
Larry hits a switch and bubbles start emerging from the hot tub.
GREG: Jimmy "The Butcher" Figgis saw our video.
LARRY: How do you know?
GREG: A man with a thick New Jersey accent called the Fun Zone, asking to meet the guys from "the corn dog video".
LARRY: Figgis is coming to kill us. We should call the Nine-Nine for backup.
GREG: Oh, absolutely not. That might alert the marshals. We can take Figgis and his men down on our own.
LARRY: Right. Okay. Let's go arm up. Figgis has no idea what's about to hit him.
LARRY: Also it probably goes without saying, but it's chill to whiz in this thing.
Greg looks around, disturbed.
LARRY: I mean, I have been. You can if you want. I haven't been if you haven't. Have you? I haven't. Have you?
INT. GREG'S CAR
Greg and Larry are sitting in Greg's car.
GREG: We can't just waltz in there and buy whatever we want. They'll do a federal background check on Greg Stickney and Larry Sherbert, and that will set off alarms in the marshal's office. No, we'll have to bribe the gun store owner so he doesn't run our names.
LARRY: But we don't have any money.
Larry gasps.
LARRY: Oh, my God. I'm the bribe, aren't I?
GREG: You're not the bribe.
LARRY: Why, what's wrong with my body?
Greg holds up a roll of cash.
GREG: Actually I borrowed $3,000 from my walking group friend Ruth.
BEGIN FLASHBACK:
EXT. SUBURBAN FLORIDA NEIGHBORHOOD
Greg and Ruth are walking along a neighborhood street.
GREG: Ruth, I'm going to be straight with you. I accidentally knocked up a woman.
RUTH: Greg!
GREG: You know me. I see a pair of thick weighty breasts and all logic flies out the window.
END FLASHBACK.
LARRY: Heterosexual you is such a dog.
INT. GUNS AND AMMO STORE
Greg and Larry are browsing the gun shop, the store owner is standing behind the counter looking at them.
STORE OWNER: Can I help you?
LARRY: Ah, no thanks, just browsing. Although, you know what, since I'm here, why don't I grab, like, eight handguns, couple of shotguns, and, I don't know, three more handguns.
STORE OWNER: Can I see some ID?
LARRY: Yes, of course, of course.
Larry reaches in his pocket.
LARRY: Oh. Would you look at that?
Larry reaches into his other pocket.
LARRY: I forgot my license, but I do happen to have this big old wad-
STORE OWNER: No problem.
LARRY: Hmm?
STORE OWNER: I don't need your ID. Federal database is down anyway. Wink wink.
The owner winks at him and Larry is taken aback.
LARRY: Ah.
STORE OWNER: So how do you like your ammo? By the box or by the bucket?
Larry speaks in a hushed voice.
LARRY: Cool, cool, cool, cool. Our country is broken.
STORE OWNER: What?
LARRY: Bucket! I'll just take your biggest bucket of bullets.
INT. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE PRECINCT, BRIEFING ROOM
Terry is addressing the whole precinct in the briefing room.
TERRY: Okay, everyone. We've been assigned a new commander. Please give him a warm welcome.
Captain Jason Stentley walks up to the podium to talk.
STENTLEY: Hey, guys. I'm Captain Stentley. Ah, yuck, that sounds so formal. Um... Captain Jason. No.
Stentley raises his arms out.
C.J. (STENTLEY): Call me C.J.
Amy looks unsure.
C.J.: Okay, so that's all I got, unless you guys have any questions.
ROSA: Yeah, you wearing sweat pants?
C.J.: No.
C.J. looks down.
C.J.: Oh, yes.
C.J. laughs.
C.J.: Yes, I am.
Terry shakes his head.
C.J.: I, um, had some hot cocoa this morning, and I totally biffed it.
Michael Hitchcock and Norm Scully are sitting on a table together, Scully nudges Hitchcock.
SCULLY: I like this guy.
AMY: Uh, if I may ask, how did you become captain? You just seem a little, uh...
C.J.: Unqualified?
AMY: No. No, no, no, no.
C.J.: It's because I am, actually. Here's how it happened. I had an appointment at my dermatologist at 402 7th Avenue. But I went to 204 7th Avenue by mistake. It's like numbers are so crazy, am I right?
SCULLY AND HITCHCOCK: Amen.
TERRY: Not really.
C.J.: Anyway, there was this big drug bust going down. I showed up, spooked the kingpin. He darts for the front door, trips, shoots himself in the stomach accidentally, and then after that everybody pretty much surrendered very quickly and they made me a captain about a week later.
CHARLES: Didn't you have to pass the exams? Like, wasn't there, like, an interview where they met you and heard you speak?
C.J.: Presumably.
C.J. nods.
C.J.: Look, I'm going to be honest. Between you and me, I don't fully know what I'm doing, but it seems like you guys do, so I'm just gonna stay out of the way and give you guys whatever you need.
GINA: Ceej? Hi, Gina Linetti here.
C.J. waves at Gina.
GINA: What I need is an assistant of my own, just to do my paperwork and all my other work.
C.J.: Work is the worst. I get it. Uh. Hire whoever you want.
Amy looks shocked and Gin a looks excited.
C.J.: I just want you guys to be happy.
GINA: And I will help you with that.
C.J.: Great! Hey, we should do a hang sesh like this every morning. This is amazing.
C.J. starts walking out of the room.
C.J.: Where do ya- where's my office?
Gina squeals once C.J. leaves and addressed Amy.
GINA: I love him. He's the best captain we've ever had, hands down.
INT. GREG'S CAR
Greg and Larry are in Greg's car and Larry yells.
LARRY: We're gonna get out of Florida.
GREG: I don't know what you're so excited about. We have dangerous task ahead of us.
LARRY: Wait, I thought you said we didn't need backup. Are you worried? Do we need to call the Nine-Nine?
GREG: No, no, no, no. We have the drop on Figgis, we're fully armed up, and we have plenty of time to lay a trap.
LARRY: Well, okay, then. See you around, Coral Palms. Adios, constant pool of sweat in my taint!
Larry turns to Greg.
LARRY: You do one, Greg.
GREG: All right. See you never, drive-through vape station.
LARRY: Adios, weird Juggalo encampment!
GREG: Bye-bye, slightly askew stop sign.
A siren wails as a police car follows them.
GREG: Whoa-oh.
LARRY: Oh, come on, for running a stop sign? We just passed someone driving with both feet out the window.
Greg pulls over.
GREG: Just be cool, Larry.
A sheriff approaches the rolled down window of Greg's car.
SHERIFF: Gentlemen. I am going to need to see your license and registration.
LARRY: Yeah.
Larry goes to grab it but the sheriff looks in the backseat.
SHERIFF: Whoa, hold on. What do we got going on back there?
Larry looks back at all the guns and bullets in the backseat with a newspaper on top.
LARRY: Oh, uh, yesterday's newspaper.
SHERIFF: No, I'm talking about the pile of guns and the bucket of bullets.
LARRY: Right, right, right.
GREG: Right, right, yeah.
LARRY: Bucket of bullets, sure, sure.
SHERIFF: I need you both to step out of the vehicle.
LARRY: Yep, it'd be weird if you didn't.
Greg and Larry go to undo their seatbelts.
INT. POLICE STATION
Greg and Larry are sitting opposite a desk inside a police station.
LARRY: This is a little bit weird. Never been arrested before. I mean, I was "detained" once by Taylor Swift's security team, but that was a misunderstanding. She's probably going to write a song about me.
GREG: We got to get out of here. Figgis could show up at any minute. Don't worry. We can outsmart some small-town sheriff. We're NYPD detectives. We caught the Son of Sam. Ice-T plays us on TV. We keep the Tony's safe.
The sheriff walks in and sits behind his desk with a mug.
SHERIFF: Hey, fellas. Listen, I am sorry about the delay. We are overwhelmed here today.
He leans in a speaks in a hushed voice.
SHERIFF: We hired our first woman, so of course she needs her own bathroom and the shirt don't fit right- the whole thing's chaos.
LARRY: It's not a problem, Sheriff. You have nothing to worry about.
INT. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE PRECINCT, FILE ROOM
Amy has gathered Rosa, Terry, Charles, Scully and Hitchcock in the file room to speak in private.
AMY: I think we all agree that C.J. is, to put it mildly, not very impressive.
TERRY: I watched him try to close the blinds in his office for 40 minutes. He finally just gave up and changed his pants with the windows wide open.
AMY: Something has to be done, and I have a plan. We use mankind's greatest weapon.
ROSA: A grenade.
AMY: The written word.
ROSA: Ugh, I'm out.
AMY: I drafted a letter to One Police Plaza saying that we think Captain Stentley is not a good fit for our precinct. If we all sign it, they'll have to act.
Gina's assistant Emily walks into the file room.
EMILY: Hey, guys, I'm Emily, Gina's assistant.
AMY: Wait, she actually got that?
Emily mimics Amy's voice.
EMILY: "Wait, she actually got that?"
Amy looks shocked.
EMILY: Sorry, I'm under strict orders from Gina to mock you whenever I see an opening. Follow me, please.
INT. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE PRECINCT
Gina is reading a book at her desk. Emily approaches followed by the others.
EMILY: Your 2:00 is here.
GINA: Okay, thanks, Em, and while I'm in this meeting, will you just shred some documents for me? Anything you see. It's all garbage.
EMILY: On it.
Emily gathers some files and leaves.
TERRY: What's going on? We were busy.
GINA: Busy trying to ruin everything around here with your dumb letter? This is a gravy train, people. Okay, C.J. will say yes to anything we ask for. Rosa, dare to dream. What do you want?
ROSA: For him to be gone.
GINA: You want that more than you want walls around your desk so Hitchcock can't stare at you with his big old google eyes anymore?
ROSA: C.J. stays. I love that guy.
GINA: Yes!
AMY: What?
HITCHCOCK: That's not fair!
AMY: Come on.
Rosa walks off, satisfied.
GINA: And how about you, Charles? What do you want, baby boy?
Hitchcock and Scully walk off.
CHARLES: Well, I agree with Amy that C.J. is totally unqualified and a disaster for the precinct, and I would really love a treadmill desk so I can hit my cardio targets.
GINA: Done.
CHARLES: Yes!
AMY: Boyle.
CHARLES: I'm sorry. I'm doing it for Nikolaj. You'll understand once you bear unto Jake a child.
Terry looks disgusted and walks off followed by Charles.
GINA: Looks like you're all alone. Em, can you go ahead and show her out?
EMILY: Right this way, please, and can I validate your parking?
AMY: I work here.
INT. POLICE STATION, INTERROGATION ROOM
Larry and Greg sit down opposite the sheriff.
SHERIFF: So, listen, do you mind if I ask you a few questions? It shouldn't take much time.
LARRY: Great, because we actually have someplace important to be, so if it would speed things up, we're happy to waive our right to counsel.
SHERIFF: Wow, counsel, the "C" word.
The sheriff uses air quotes.
SHERIFF: Wait, wait, wait. You guys in law enforcement?
LARRY: No, no, no. I just have a buddy who's a detective in the NYPD.
SHERIFF: Whoo, I bet he's better than me at getting people to talk. Everything I know about interrogation I learned from "The Newlywed Game".
LARRY: Huh.
SHERIFF: So, look, why don't you each write down your answer to these questions.
The sheriff hands Greg and Larry notepads and pens.
SHERIFF: Okay, question one, what were you going to use the guns for? Okay, and then read 'em out when you're done.
Greg and Larry write down their answer and turn the notepad around.
GREG AND LARRY: Hunting.
SHERIFF: Okay, see, I knew you boys were on the level. Okay, question two: What do you hunt?
Greg and Larry start writing, Larry quickly looks at Greg's notepad before they turn them around with different answers.
LARRY: Deer.
GREG: Grouse and other small fowl.
SHERIFF: Oh.
LARRY: Yep, we hunt everything. You know, deer, grouse, a horse once.
GREG: Yes, we love killing any animal.
SHERIFF: I hear ya. Okay, question three: You said you had somewhere important to go, so where exactly is that?
Greg and Larry both start writing again, when they turn the notepad's around Larry's notepad just has a scribble on it.
GREG: Dinner date.
LARRY: Dinner date. That's what mine says as well. Sorry about the handwriting.
The sheriff isn't convinced.
LARRY: The point is, neither of us are lying. Should we just pick up our keys on the way out, or how do you want to do this?
INT. POLICE STATION, HOLDING CELL
The holding cell's door slams shut. Greg and Larry are standing in their with three other men.
SHERIFF: No one has ever beaten "The Newlywed Game". No one.
INT. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE PRECINCT
Amy is sitting at her desk doing work.
AMY: Hey, Diaz.
She remembers the walls around Rosa's desk.
AMY: Right. The walls.
Amy gets up and goes over. On one wall is a doorbell with the sign reading "Ring Bell" above. Amy presses the bell and Rosa appears above the wall.
ROSA: Can I help you?
AMY: I need the crime stats from last month.
ROSA: Fine. One sec.
Rosa disappears and a second later her hand shoots up holding a file.
CHARLES: Some people, huh?
We see Charles walking on a treadmill with a desk on top. He checks his watch.
CHARLES: Hey, I'm up to 20,000 steps.
AMY: Seriously, Boyle?
CHARLES: Oh, you don't care about my health? You don't care about if Nikolaj grows up without a papa? You want me to die?
AMY: Honestly? A little.
Amy walks off and Charles looks upset.
CHARLES: Hurts.
Amy walks up to Terry's desk.
AMY: I can't believe they all let C.J. and Gina just buy them off. But we don't need them, 'cause we've got you, and you're a sergeant. Did you sign the letter yet?
TERRY: Um I-
AMY: What did he give you?
TERRY: He gave me the ability to continue to serve this community unencumbered by a necessary oversight. Now, I really have to-
AMY: What did he give you?
Amy slams the desk and shouts.
TERRY: He gave me a yogurt fridge, all right?
The camera pans down and we see a mini fridge full of yogurts. Terry pulls one out.
TERRY: I asked for a yogurt fridge, and I got one, right next to my desk! I'm only a man.
AMY: I'm sending this letter with or without your signature. Enjoy your blood yogurt.
Amy walks off and Terry looks disappointed in himself.
TERRY: I will.
INT. POLICE STATION, HOLDING CELL
Larry and Greg are still standing in the cell with three other men.
LARRY: Time is running out. We have the right to a phone call. We need to call the Nine-Nine so they can sort this out with the sheriff.
GREG: No, they would want to get involved and that could endanger them.
LARRY: They'd be okay with that. Charles and Amy both love me. Rosa's not scared of anything. I'm like a mentor to Terry.
GREG: No, regardless, we don't have time for that. We just have to tell the truth.
Greg walks up to the door of the cell, shouting.
GREG: Sheriff, I'm ready to talk.
The Sheriff walks up to the cell.
SHERIFF: This better be good. I'm a busy man.
GREG: You just spent 30 minutes trying to win a radio contest.
SHERIFF: For my wife. They're giving away Swampsgiving tickets.
GREG: I'm not really Greg, and that's not Larry.
The sheriff looks confused as Greg and Larry reveal that they're actually undercover.
HOLT (GREG): We're Captain Raymond Holt and Detective Jake Peralta of the NYPD.
JAKE (LARRY): We've been targeted by Jimmy "The Butcher" Figgis, the mafia boss. We're in witness protection, and that is the full truth.
The sheriff sighs and bursts out laughing.
SHERIFF: Good one. That's a good one.
HOLT: Just call the U.S. marshal who handles our case. She'll explain everything.
SHERIFF: She?
The sheriff laughs even more.
SHERIFF: Oh, come on. This is getting crazier by the second. But I'll tell you, I kind of want to see how it plays out.
INT. POLICE STATION, SHERIFF'S OFFICE
Holt and Jake are sitting opposite the sheriff's desk, the sheriff is on the phone.
SHERIFF(INTO PHONE): Uh-huh. Right. Okay, will do.
The sheriff covers the phone and addresses Holt and Jake.
SHERIFF: Well, it's a guy, and he says he's never heard of either one of you.
JAKE: That's impossible.
SHERIFF: Listen for yourself.
Jake takes the phone and speaks into it.
JAKE (INTO PHONE): Hello.
FIGGIS (V.O.): It's Figgis.
Jake looks angry.
FIGGIS (V.O.): I have your marshal, and I'm coming for you. See you soon, Jake.
JAKE (INTO PHONE): Wait.
The call ends and he hands the phone back to the sheriff.
JAKE: Great news.
Jake turns to Holt.
JAKE: I found Figgis.
INT. POLICE STATION, HOLDING CELL
Holt and Jake are back in the cell and Jake is pacing.
JAKE: This is bad. Figgis has the marshal, and now he knows where we are. We're sitting ducks. That's the worst kind of duck.
HOLT: Tell that to the Dutch Hookbill.
Jake stops pacing.
JAKE: Look, the clock is ticking. We only have one option. Jailbreak.
HOLT: And how do you propose to pull that off?
JAKE: By using this rag-tag team of inmates. Our very own Suicide Squad.
The camera shows the three men in the cell with them.
JAKE: All right, let's rally the troops.
Holt and Jake walk over to the men.
JAKE: Hey, fellow prisoners. Hi, there. Everyone, look, we haven't connected as much as maybe we should have. That's our fault. Why don't I just kick things off.
Jake points to himself.
JAKE: I'm Jake, and I like baseball.
Jake points to Holt.
JAKE: Now you say something about yourself.
HOLT: I'm Raymond. I don't care for baseball.
JAKE: Great, so now that we're all "vibing" at 100, quick question: If there were to a be a jailbreak "of sorts," how many of you guys would be interested in that? Obviously if you have any moral objection-
The men all raise their hands.
JAKE: Okay, your hands are already all up, so I say we hop on this pony. Great. Now, do any of you have any special skills? Maybe the ability to pick a lock?
One man raises his hand.
MITCH: Uh, I'm Mitch. I have a glass eye.
JAKE: Glass eye? We'll definitely find some use for that.
Jake points to the man next to Mitch.
JAKE: How about you, sir?
EVAN: I'm Evan. I've been arrested for a lot of different stuff: public urination, urinating on private property
JAKE: Uh huh.
EVAN: Urinating 25 feet from a school
JAKE: Okay.
EVAN: Urinating out of a moving truck.
HOLT: I don't think Evan gets what we're doing here.
JAKE: Oh, doesn't he? He's been here for weeks. He knows the guard's comings and goings.
JAKE: Thank you for sharing, Evan. You are valued here.
Jake turns to the final man.
JAKE: Your turn, old-timer.
Jake talks to Holt in a hushed voice.
JAKE: It's always guys like this that unlock the entire operation.
He turns back to the final man.
JAKE: What do you bring to the table?
TITO: I'm Tito. I'm great at smoking meth.
JAKE: And?
TITO: Snorting meth.
JAKE: And?
TITO: I haven't spoken to my daughter in a couple of years.
Jake addresses Holt.
JAKE: Oh, that's so sad. Okay, so find something for Tito to do.
INT. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE PRECINCT
Gina is sitting at her desk with Emily to the side. Amy is standing opposite Gina's desk.
AMY: So I heard from One Police Plaza. They received my letter, and apparently they also received hundreds of others in support of C.J.
GINA: Yeah, Emily and I sent those in, so... Emily, what was that burn I had you write down for Amy because I didn't want to forget it?
Emily holds up a notepad and reads from it.
EMILY: "Why so sad? Did you just find out American Girl doesn't make clothes in adult sizes?"
GINA: No.
EMILY: "Steven Seagal called and he wants his ponytail back"?
GINA: Huh-uh.
EMILY: "Gina: Hey, Amy, what did one graphing calculator say to the other one? Amy: What? Gina: Why does the sad lady own two of us?"
Gina joins in.
GINA: "Own two of us"! That's it!
Gina laughs then turns to Amy.
GINA: Hey, Amy.
AMY: You know what? Congratulations. You just made sure that a terrible captain will be sticking around here indefinitely.
Terry walks up to Gina's desk, eating a yogurt.
TERRY: Come on, Santiago. We're just trying to make the best of it.
Terry holds out a spoon with yogurt on it.
TERRY: Yogurt?
AMY: Never!
A beep is heard and Charles shouts from across the room.
CHARLES: Yes! 40,000 steps!
AMY: Boyle!
The camera pans to show Charles wearing headphones and jogging on the treadmill.
CHARLES: I can't talk. I got to keep my heart rate up.
Rosa stands up from her desk and looks over her wall.
ROSA: Hey, can you guys keep it down? Need a roof on this thing. Gina, I need a roof.
GINA: Emily.
EMILY: On it.
AMY: Listen, you selfish jerks, that guy in there, the one playing the bongos right now.
We see the blinds to C.J.'s office askew and inside is C.J. playing bongos at his desk.
AMY: He thinks we're killing it, so he's just staying out of our way.
Well, the only reason we're killing it is because Captain Holt never let us be satisfied with ourselves.
Charles slows down his jogging.
AMY: He always inspired us to work harder and smarter, to be better. And if he were here right now, he'd be ashamed of us.
CHARLES: Amy, wait!
Charles slips on the treadmill and falls.
CHARLES: Oh! Ah! Ooh, ah!
Charles flies off and into Hitchcock's chair.
INT. POLICE STATION, HOLDING CELL
Jake is looking out the cell at two officers sitting at their desks.
JAKE: You swear this guy's about to meet up with his mistress?
EVAN: Yep. Tuesday at 5:00. It's Tanya time.
One of the men get up to leave.
JAKE: Well, there he goes. Okay, now we got to get rid of the other deputy. Glass eye, you're up.
Mitch removes his glass eye and hands it to Jake.
JAKE: Oh, so much drier than I would have thought. Did I want it to be wet?
HOLT: Jake!
JAKE: Right! Sorry. Just holding an eyeball in my hand. No big deal. Here we go.
Jake breathes in and aims for a coffee pot.
JAKE: Yah.
Jake throws the eye and shatters the coffee pot.
OFFICER 2: What the hell? Must have gotten too hot.
The remaining officer turns around and stands up.
OFFICER 2: Sheriff, I'm going to go get a mop.
SHERIFF: Okay.
The officer walks away.
JAKE: And great. Now we stage a fight; when the sheriff comes in to break it up, we take him down.
Jake gestures to the men to stand up.
MITCH, EVAN AND TITO: Fight! Fight! Fight!
The sheriff walks around the corner and Holt throws a punch at Jake.
HOLT: Ah!
It hits Jake in the face and the sheriff laughs.
SHERIFF: We got us a jail fight.
Jake throws a punch at Holt.
JAKE: Yah!
Holt grabs Jake round the neck and the whisper to each other.
HOLT: Why isn't he coming in?
JAKE: I don't know, maybe he's not buying it. Hit me harder.
Holt stands back and punches Jake again.
JAKE: Oh!
SHERIFF: Damn, you knocked him.
Jake punches Holt back. Holt puts his arm around Jake again and they whisper.
HOLT: What would it take for him to intervene? Do I actually have to kill you?
JAKE: No, he'd probably love that.
Jake hits Holt again.
HOLT: Ugh!
JAKE: But you know what he would hate? Okay, just go with me on this, all right?
They stand up again as Jake feigns to throw a punch.
JAKE: Ugh.
Jake points at Holt.
JAKE: I can't stay mad at you.
Jake then pulls Holt in and kisses him. The sheriff gets annoyed and grabs his keys.
SHERIFF: Ooh! No! No!
JAKE: Is it working?
SHERIFF: Break it up.
HOLT: I think so.
SHERIFF: Not in my jail. No, no.
The sheriff tries to grab them.
SHERIFF: Break it up! Whoa!
Jake and Holt grab the sheriff and throw him back. They then walk out the open cell and lock it up.
SHERIFF: Stop it! What are you doing?
HOLT: It's 2016, man. This is on you.
Tito then walks up the edge of the cell.
TITO: Hey, wait a minute. You didn't give me anything to do.
JAKE: You have the most important job of all. Tell everyone what you saw here today.
TITO: Oh, God bless you. You're giving an old meth head a reason to live forever and-
JAKE: We don't have time for this, Tito!
Jake and Holt run off.
INT. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE PRECINCT, BREAK ROOM
Amy is looking through files in the break room and Terry approaches her.
TERRY: Hey, Santiago, come with me a sec.
AMY: Why? So you can show off some new cool thing that C.J. got you? Let me guess, golden suspenders?
TERRY: Can you imagine? I would look amazing. But that's not what I came here for. Just follow me to the captain's office.
Terry leaves and Amy follows.
INT. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE PRECINCT, CAPTAIN'S OFFICE
Gina, Rosa, Charles, Scully and Hitchcock are all gathered around C.J.'s desk who has his feet up.
C.J.: Hey, guys. If Pac-Man were a stapler, he'd look like a little something like this.
C.J. then opens and closes a stapler, mimicking a mouth. Terry and Amy enter the office.
TERRY: Okay, so we wanted to talk to you, Captain Stentley because-
C.J.: Uh-oh. Captain Stentley. Am I in trouble?
TERRY: No. You're our boss.
C.J.: Oh, right.
C.J. points to everyone.
C.J.: Are you in trouble?
TERRY: No, sir. It's just that the squad feels we've been taking advantage of you, and it has to stop. So I returned my yogurt fridge.
CHARLES: I gave my treadmill desk back.
ROSA: I took down my desk walls.
Scully pumps his fist.
GINA: And I have agreed to fire my assistant's assistant Dana.
AMY: Dana? Who's Dana?
GINA: Emily had a lot on her plate.
C.J.: I don't understand. I mean, I'm just trying to make you guys happy.
TERRY: Well, if you want to do that, start acting like a real captain.
Make tough choices. Tell people no sometimes.
Amy nods.
C.J.: Okay, if you think I need to stop doing whatever you guys want, then I will.
TERRY: Yeah, that's progress.
C.J.: If that's what you guys want.
ROSA: I gotta go.
Everyone starts leaving the office.
C.J.: Good talk. My door's always open, except when it's closed. But you can open it when it's closed.
EXT. PARKING LOT
A police car with it's sirens on passes by as Holt and Jake emerge from behind a dumpster.
JAKE: I can't believe we're fugitives on the lam, falsely accused of a crime.
HOLT: There's nothing false about it. We committed several felonies and escaped from jail.
JAKE: Yeah, but we were just doing what we had to do. We're the good guys.
Jake gasps.
JAKE: This is what they all think.
HOLT: Figgis is in town, and we have no car, no money, no guns; we can't go back to our houses because the police are looking for us.
JAKE: It's time to call the Nine-Nine.
HOLT: Absolutely not.
JAKE: What is going on with you?
HOLT: Nothing, I just think that we can do it alone.
JAKE: Sir, we just shared one of the longest kisses of my life. I think we can be honest with each other.
HOLT: All right. The Nine-Nine bailed me out once before when I was taken hostage by Bob, a man I had put my trust in, like a fool. I don't want them to rescue me again. It's embarrassing. I need to clean up my own mess.
JAKE: Captain, it's the Nine-Nine. There's nothing wrong with asking for help from people that care about you.
Holt thinks to himself.
INT. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE PRECINCT
Terry is sitting at his desk and his phone rings.
TERRY (INTO PHONE): This is Sergeant Terry Jeffords.
Terry looks shocked.
TERRY (INTO PHONE): Captain Holt!
INT. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE PRECINCT, OUTSIDE CAPTAIN'S OFFICE
Terry, followed by Amy, Rosa, Charles, Scully and Hitchcock, approaches C.J.'s office.
TERRY: Sir. Captain Stentley.
C.J. walks out of his office.
TERRY: There's an urgent situation, and we need 72 hours off to go to Florida. Now, I can't say why-
C.J.: Absolutely not.
AMY: What?
TERRY: The Eight-Six said they would cover for us, and this very important!
C.J.: That's enough. Someone once told me that being a captain means telling people no.
C.J. suddenly smiles in realization.
C.J.: Oh, wait. That was you guys. You guys told me that. Anyway, you're right. You can't go.
C.J. walks back into his office.
AMY: Sorry, guys. I kinda feel like this is my fault.
Gina and Emily are sitting at Gina's desk and Emily mimics Amy.
EMILY: "I kinda feel like this is my fault".
GINA: Not now, Emily.
