[Intro]
Ho ho ho ho!
(Coughing)
Jesus...

[Verse 1]
There ain't nothing more depressing than a pine tree
Gussied up with candy canes and balls
Those carollers have kept me up for hours
"It's Merry Christmas" — seeping through my walls
Now, I'm no wiccan commie nut or nothing
But there's one damn holiday that I can't stand
It ain't Halloween, or Thanksgiving, or even April Fools
But it'll surely make a fool out of every man
Ha!

[Chorus]
If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas
You know where to stick those jingle bells
If I ain't hammered, it ain't Hanukkah
And all you motherfuckers go to hell
If I ain't cock-eyed, it ain't Kwanzaa
Joy to the world of Jack & Cokes
If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas
'Cause I ain't ever anything but broke
[Verse 2]
Now, every year the malls are just a madhouse
Full of empty pockets, thoughts and smiles
Just the smell of eggnog makes me vomit
And those colored lights are fucking infantile
I think, we collectively as a people
Should rise against this corporate jolly noise
And tell the world: "Let's buy some peace and quiet for a change
Before we spend it all on fucking toys!"
Ha!

[Chorus]
So, if I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas
You know where to stick those jingle bells
If I ain't hammered, it ain't Hanukkah
Fa-la-la-la-la, go fuck yourself
If I ain't cock-eyed, it ain't Kwanzaa
Joy to the world of getting stoned
If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas
So leave this goddamn Scrooge the fuck alone
Ha!

[Outro]
Merry Fucking Christmas
Hi Simon!